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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I love a painting more than him

339 replies

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 13:28

I have a painting in my living room that was a gift from my ex who was an art collector. I didn’t make a secret of where it came from when he asked me a couple of years back. It’s of a bird, so not a sexy nude or a scene from a place we went together. I agreed that we wouldn’t have it in a prominent place if we bought a house together (I was thinking maybe in a spare room). He said last night that it feels really uncomfortable about it (he now lives in my house) and compared it to him having a picture of his ex on the wall. I love it as a piece of art and don’t think of my ex when I look at it. I could sell it but the stubborn part of me wonders why I should get rid of something I love to make someone else happy. We’ve been together for over 3 years and my experience of him is that he’s not jealous or controlling.

I felt completely blindsided by him suddenly bringing it up last night and he took my reluctance to agree to take it down as a sign that I love the painting more than him.

YABU- sell the painting. Your DP feels uncomfortable about it being in the house
YANBU- sell it when you buy somewhere together

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/12/2024 19:33

'I agreed that we wouldn’t have it in a prominent place if we bought a house together '

but

you haven't bought a place together

he has moved into your home

how soon can he move out of your home ?!!!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/12/2024 19:35

and his children have a room in YOUR house too ?!!!

and he has the nerve to comment on a piece of art...

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 07/12/2024 19:36

He's being ridiculous.

My DH is currently drinking out of a fancy wine glass from a set I was given as a wedding present when I married my ex 😂😂

Catsmere · 07/12/2024 19:39

He's started testing your boundaries. Keep the painting, dump him.

BIossomtoes · 07/12/2024 19:41

TomatoSandwiches · 07/12/2024 13:33

I wouldn't get rid of it at all, this is his problem to get over.

Same. He needs to get over himself.

Skyrainlight · 07/12/2024 20:00

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 19:08

No, probably not… but moving in with me was the sensible option because he was renting a two bedroom flat and I have a three bedroom house which I own outright. He said initially he didn’t want to live in this house because I’d bought it with an ex, but I’ve lived here on my own for 8 years and I feel like it’s very much ‘mine’.

Show quote history

He sounds like a big old red flag. I would not marry this one or have kids with him if I was you. I'd also make sure my asset was protected. He sounds like he has a lot going on under the surface you aren't seeing, those glimpses would make me nervous, make sure you protect yourself.🚩🚩🚩🚩

SquirrelSoShiny · 07/12/2024 20:57

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 19:19

He has the downstairs office and spare room is now his DC’s. I have one DC who has their own room and DP and I share a bedroom. I take your point though…

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The more you say the more alarm bells are ringing for me. I hope you have taken legal advice on how to protect your home.

How long have you been together? How long have you lived together? What does he contribute to the bills?

This man has colonised your house and he's now emotionally blackmailing you and stonewalling you. He is telling you who he is. Have a long think about your life with him. I'm not sure why you moved him in at all.

Skyrainlight · 07/12/2024 21:07

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 17:24

Well, unlike you, I haven’t assumed that I know what’s going on in his mind.

I’d remind you OP said he’s not jealous or controlling. I suspect she knows him a tad better than you do.

anyway, if I had to guess I’d say that it could be that the painting represents an important aspect of his partner’s life (great love of art) which she shared with her ex (also extremely arty) and which he cannot participate in (not arty at all). And it’s in his face every single day in the living room of what is now his home.

But because, unlike you, I’m not a mind-reader it’s only a guess. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Have you seen OPs post where he wanted her to sell her home that she had lived in alone for 8 years because she had originally bought it was an ex? That is controlling, and disturbing.

Vaxtable · 07/12/2024 21:10

I wouldn’t get rid of it, it’s a piece of art you enjoy, and I would put it up in any home I was living in if it’s something I liked

is he going to get rid of everything his ex’s have bought him?

needs to grow up, you are with him

ScrollingLeaves · 07/12/2024 21:14

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 13:43

Thank you for your replies. I’m quite an arty person and he’s not (think a photo of a banksy printed on a canvas). I’d be upset about having to get rid of any of my paintings or prints as they’re all really special to me. He’s barely spoken to me today so i really think that’s how he feels

It seems you may not be compatible at all.

And that us aside from him being unreasonable, sulky, neurotic, and controlling.

Olive567 · 07/12/2024 21:22

Your chosen and prized art is a representation of the inner depths of your soul. I can understand why you're upset. I had a relationship where we clashed over the art displayed in the house - it was a symbol of deeper problems really - and we couldn't resolve it while living together in the end.

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 21:26

Skyrainlight · 07/12/2024 21:07

Have you seen OPs post where he wanted her to sell her home that she had lived in alone for 8 years because she had originally bought it was an ex? That is controlling, and disturbing.

Show quote history

It could be.
Or it could be that he’s just not comfortable living with the ‘ghost’ of an ex about the place.

It’s a known thing that it can be hard for some people to cope with feeling like they’re living in the shadow of the ex.

Either way, we don’t know. We are just randoms on the internet making guesses.

OP lives with him, and is saying he’s not jealous or controlling. So given that is what she has said I would be inclined to try replacing the painting with something they have chosen together. To make his living space feel less uncomfortable for him. Not getting rid of the painting, just putting it somewhere else (or in storage) for now and see what happens.

Just my 5c worth.

RetroTotty · 07/12/2024 21:34

To make his living space feel less uncomfortable for him.

JFC! as a pp said, this man has already colonised OP's house!

MumChp · 07/12/2024 21:41

EVHead · 07/12/2024 13:43

Keep the painting, get rid of the bloke.

This. Or ask him to shut up.

unclemtty · 07/12/2024 23:31

But he's moved into your house?
You've accommodated him WFH & his children?
But he won't accommodate a painting which was already there, in your house, before he took over?

That's quite worrying.

He must be feeling like he's got his legs (& his kids legs) under the table and you won't be able to push back on him asserting his dominance in your home.

I get that it's his home too, and yes, relocate the painting somewhere else in the house and redecorate/refurbish together so it feels like a positive new era, but he doesn't sound like he's wanting collaboration, more a coup.

Does he want you to relocate a new hymen too? I mean he's had kids so he must have had a relationship before you, but he doesn't think you should have?

unclemtty · 07/12/2024 23:34

I wonder if this is more the tip of the cocklodging iceberg and he wants you to buy a new bigger house for you all?
One where you didn't live with an ex.
One where he gets to live in a lovely big home paid for by you

Alalalala · 07/12/2024 23:34

@BeLimeTiger It’s really important to be very, very firm and clear now and state your boundaries.

”I’ve thought about this and I won’t be removing my painting. If this is a deal breaker for you, then we need to have a discussion about how that affects our relationship because I will not be changing my mind.”

Octoberdreaming · 07/12/2024 23:39

He’s being pathetic. The sulking and not talking would give me the ick. Keep the painting.

BustyLaRoux · 08/12/2024 01:37

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 21:26

It could be.
Or it could be that he’s just not comfortable living with the ‘ghost’ of an ex about the place.

It’s a known thing that it can be hard for some people to cope with feeling like they’re living in the shadow of the ex.

Either way, we don’t know. We are just randoms on the internet making guesses.

OP lives with him, and is saying he’s not jealous or controlling. So given that is what she has said I would be inclined to try replacing the painting with something they have chosen together. To make his living space feel less uncomfortable for him. Not getting rid of the painting, just putting it somewhere else (or in storage) for now and see what happens.

Just my 5c worth.

Show quote history

I can’t agree with this, sorry. I love material things. I’m not massively sentimental. I just love certain beautiful things. I love my sofa. I love my trainers. I love my favourite cushion. I love a necklace. I love all manner of random things. Don’t give a shit how I acquired them. It’s not about that. Not for me. I just have a love of some of my things. They have meaning to me because they are aesthetically pleasing. Or comfortable. Or familiar. Or whatever. Does it even matter?! If your partner loves an item then you put up with it (unless it is my DP’s arm chair. Which is the most hideous piece of furniture known to man! And I am subtly (not at all subtly) trying to explain why the ugliest chair in the world would look better in a skip!! But that is because it is ugly and huge and smells weird. Not because I’ve decided that it represents a latent longing to reignite his past love! I’m just not that insecure). If one of the things I loved happened to have been given by an ex and my current DP had a problem with that, to the point of sulking if I didn’t get rid of it, I’d have a big problem with that. My lovely things are mine. No one tells me what I can and can’t have. The sulking and emotional blackmail is really off key. I suspect there will be many more red flags. A fragile ego isn’t easily appeased. The painting isn’t the issue here… OP please don’t get rid of something you love to appease an insecure
man.

HoppityBun · 08/12/2024 01:42

You’ll regret it being out of your life if you sell it. I might understand if your ex had painted it but the reality is that he was just a middle man.

Pinkpurpletulips · 08/12/2024 01:52

It's your house where he has seemingly taken over the "study" and moved his two children into the spare bedroom. All the furniture is yours. When is he going to start complaining that your child is an unfortunate reminder of his father and they have to be got rid of? I think you have moved a cuckoo into the nest. Does he have any money or another house of his own? How do you split household expenses? I am betting he is not dipping his hand too deeply into his pocket. How does he even know the provenance of the painting?

smellsfishy · 08/12/2024 02:19

Sod that. In our house I have things including art given to me by exes, things I bought with my ex and we also have things my DH bought with his ex. Including art. They are lovely things - yes, they have history but don't we all? You can't airbrush the past and why would you want to? Apart from installing his two kids has he really not brought anything into your house given to him by an ex? He sounds like a proper CF, to the extent that I hope you have arrangements in place to stop him making any sort of claim on your property if you were to break up.

Meadowfinch · 08/12/2024 02:28

This is YOUR house. He thinks he can move in and start dictating what you hang on your walls. And then give you the silent treatment because you don't instantly obey him !!

Pack his bags and dump him and them on the pavement. He is a controlling weirdo and will get worse. Get rid, asap.

Edingril · 08/12/2024 02:29

It's a painting, but there are insecure women who have issues who would think this was wrong if it is the other way round

Pinkpurpletulips · 08/12/2024 02:32

Yes, don't buy property with him or marry him or mix your money. He seems very entitled.

I did have a print from my ex and I decided I didn't want to be reminded of him. My husband didn't mind. I donated it to charity and my husband and I chose a replacement together.

My husband's ex was an amateur artist and he rehomed her (quite awful in my view) paintings. It was our joint home as well rather than me being a guest in his house though. Yours sounds like a lovely piece though.