He says I love a painting more than him

[BeLimeTiger]

I have a painting in my living room that was a gift from my ex who was an art collector. I didn’t make a secret of where it came from when he asked me a couple of years back. It’s of a bird, so not a sexy nude or a scene from a place we went together. I agreed that we wouldn’t have it in a prominent place if we bought a house together (I was thinking maybe in a spare room). He said last night that it feels really uncomfortable about it (he now lives in my house) and compared it to him having a picture of his ex on the wall. I love it as a piece of art and don’t think of my ex when I look at it. I could sell it but the stubborn part of me wonders why I should get rid of something I love to make someone else happy. We’ve been together for over 3 years and my experience of him is that he’s not jealous or controlling.

I felt completely blindsided by him suddenly bringing it up last night and he took my reluctance to agree to take it down as a sign that I love the painting more than him.

YABU- sell the painting. Your DP feels uncomfortable about it being in the house
YANBU- sell it when you buy somewhere together

Well, unlike you, I haven’t assumed that I know what’s going on in his mind.

I’d remind you OP said he’s not jealous or controlling. I suspect she knows him a tad better than you do.

anyway, if I had to guess I’d say that it could be that the painting represents an important aspect of his partner’s life (great love of art) which she shared with her ex (also extremely arty) and which he cannot participate in (not arty at all). And it’s in his face every single day in the living room of what is now his home.

But because, unlike you, I’m not a mind-reader it’s only a guess. 🤷🏼‍♀️

There’s a lot of entitlement, as well as coercive control going on here. It’s not really about the painting. You’d do well to think about what many of us on here are saying, and look at the bigger picture. Your horrible feeling is not coming out of nowhere.

I realise it’s a lot to take in , and if his DC have their own room in your house that is an additional complication. Do think about though.

Is this a joke? He sounds unhinged and use the word advisedly. Get rid.

If he can't cope with his jealousy over a painting then he's welcome to move back out and you'll continue to date.

He wouldn't deliberately damage it or anything would he?

Everyone here thinks OP should pack her bags and van gogh because of a painting

It still looks very much like my house, except for his office and children’s room which he has decorated as he likes. There are a few photographs in the living areas which he’s chosen (of his children, his mum, of us) but all of the furniture and art work is mine.

No, nothing like that

Well, he wasn't controlling, but he sure is now. He waited until he had his feet under the table before he pulled this stunt, b/c a disagreement like this, with him actually living on the premises, could be really tiresome. Ideally, you would have tested the water by telling him 'no' half a dozen times before he moved in, but what's done is done. Now you know how silly and manipulative he is, he probably won't seem as attractive as he did; a whining, petulant man does dry the vagina. All the best for a better life.

Oh the irony of him being annoyed at you having a painting from your ex in your house while he brought the children he had with his ex into your house.

I wonder if that’s not feeling great for him and those feelings have been narrowed down into this one painting.

He has his office - his. His kids' room - his. You share a bedroom - yours (shared). A living room - yours (shared) and he wants to dictate what that looks like.

Do you have space of your own in your house? Do you have kids?

get rid of him, not the painting. Ok well maybe not that extreme, but he’s being ridiculous. It’s just a painting. If you like it then you should keep it.

Has he recently moved into your house? Abuse and controlling behaviour usually starts after life changing events, such as pregnancy or moving in together. He's trying to stamp his mark/authority on you.

I have a painting my exdh gave me and it's been in the bathroom of the house I bought with my current dh for about 10 years now. My dh even hung it for me.

I think it would be a hill I'd die on tbh, especially as he's now using the silent treatment to punish you for not obeying him straight away

He's not artistic.
He knows your ex understood your artistic side on a level he'll never reach.
He's jealous on that and is being insecure about it.

He really needs to get over his insecurity and jealousy. I wouldn't find that attractive.

So he's moved himself and his children into YOUR home and now is territorial 🙄.

Suggest he find his own house OP.
Don't be another foolish woman allowing a controlling twat take over her house.
MN is full of them.

Why isn't he housing HIS children?

Cheaper to move into yours no doubt🙄

Even if you took it down, which I wouldn't want to do, I'd keep it stored somewhere. Imagine if you break up sometime, you would be sad that you got rid of the painting.

Even though you can’t understand him couldn’t you try to meet him halfway?
Move the painting to the spare room and choose something nice together for your shared living space?

Actually that could be an interesting suggestion to make; if he's a reasonable man deep down it might just work, and if he isn't he'll probably still try to demand OP "gets rid of it"

Either way OP would find out for sure - though it rather sounds as if she might know already, what with the "no speaks" she's getting

His office could always become your office and it hangs there.
Have you put him on your deeds?
Is he paying his share or cocklodging?
Has he given you half of what was already paid off?
I don't think having given him your spare room AND an office, he's doing badly, is he?
When someone shows you who you are, believe them. Silent treatment?
Maya would be screaming at you to run pack his bags for him
LTP
Leave. The. Picture.
Where it is.

He has an office in your house?
Of course he does🙄

Good god, this is ridiculous. Seriously, OP, why would you need to get rid of the painting at any point? I’ve been with DH for over 25 years and he still has to share a bed with the bear who was gifted by a previous boyfriend (& yes, I know, I know, but I’m very attached to him. It’s just the one.) DH knows his provenance and has never had any issue with it at all. It’s the gift that I’m attached to, not any memories or emotional connection to the giver.

Dont let him railroad you here. If you love the painting, stand your ground.

No, probably not… but moving in with me was the sensible option because he was renting a two bedroom flat and I have a three bedroom house which I own outright. He said initially he didn’t want to live in this house because I’d bought it with an ex, but I’ve lived here on my own for 8 years and I feel like it’s very much ‘mine’.

You have a three bedroom house? And he has one room for his kids and one room for his office. I assume you share the third room. And he wants to dictate the living room decor.

I'd read that back and have a think.

I don’t like your options.

Don’t sell it at all.

Also disagree with the nonsense about ‘if this were the other way around..’ blah blah blah.

He has the downstairs office and spare room is now his DC’s. I have one DC who has their own room and DP and I share a bedroom. I take your point though…

He didn't want to live in it because you bought it with an ex???
That was your first big red flag. He's possessive and jealous, be very careful with this one. He's just turned the heat up beneath you to a low simmer. You'll be a boiled frog before you know it.