Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

No one would be doing their child any favours by affirming that they are something they are not.

What a bloody nonsense. And she's a total snitch.
YANBU.

Sometimes people get my name wrong. So I may correct them in a no big deal sort of way, they say sorry, and of conversation. No biggie.

This fad for getting people into trouble for using the wrong pronouns is at best shit stirring and at worst a form of bullying.

@Ponoka7 I can see what you are saying about respect and manners and vulnerability but the client didn't even make a formal complaint about the OP; it was the colleague. For all we know the OP could be ND, or have trauma linked to gender issues themselves. I think respect has to go both ways in any relationship even a professional one like support/case worker and client.

Pronouns require everything of you and nothing of them. They are utter nonsense that people use as a way of attention seeking.
Don't ever apologise, don't ever capitulate!!

Is Karen White a trans woman or a man who is a criminal using a trans gender identity to commit crimes against women?

Is Katy Dolotowski a trans woman or a man who is a criminal using a trans gender identity to commit crimes against women?

What about Isla Bryson?

And all of these lovely ladies?

https://transcrimeuk.com/

And @SerenePeach being a scientist I would expect a very scientific response to the question above.

And also how many women need to be harmed in order for you to accept that appropriate safeguarding is that all male people stay out, including non- criminal trans women?

Ok sweetie

It's shocking how 1 or 2 people can come onto a thread and completely invade and take over.
I hope you got the answer you need, op.

Yes. Its true

only some Native American tribes believe there are three genders, the rest believe in two. So why are those tribes more right than the other ones, because they fit an argument?

Also, last time I checked America is western.

That's very interesting indeed.

By hijacking native Americans’ language, the transgender movement (led by white males) has colonised and exploited them yet again.

But unsurprising, there really isn't anything that some males won't appropriate when it comes to their demands to enter women's single sex spaces, even though it demonstrably harms females.

I am just sick to the teeth of this notion that there is a difference between 'genuine' trans identifying males and males who are using trans to gain access to vulnerable women. There isn't. If Isla Bryson says Isla is a woman or any other male does the same, how can we say that one is right and the other isn't? And how many women and girls have to be harmed by these males for an activist to have a shred of empathy? Can you give me a scientific reason that Isla Bryson is a criminal male but Caitlin Jenner is a woman @SerenePeach ?

Serene Peach doesn't care and clams that we do not possess their special knowledge about the nature of 'transness' that justifies such harm. Women are literally collateral damage. One might reasonably think that this lack of care for outcomes for female people demonstrates, very succinctly, that these activists like Peach do know exactly who the males are.

And this attempt to say it's only me who has raised sex based spaces and that there is no link between being shamed for failing to use a non binary colleague's preferred pronouns and the rights of males is nonsense too. That's why they are attempting to argue that the Pronouns are Rohypnol article is 'unscientific' because it makes that exact link.

I'd hazard a guess that Serene's presence on non binary pronouns threads is because they want to play down this link because it is essential, for Serene, that these male demands continue to be met.

And every time you use the bollocks that is gender, a fairy dies.

It is not the responsibility of others to uphold a fantasy to ' protect their mental health '.

We wouldn't agree with someone anorexia to make them feel better would we?

Telling lies doesn't solve the problem. It's just telling lies.

All humans are either male or female even if they have anomalies of chromosomes.

Abnormalities of chromosomes are sex based. They are either male or female.

If you are non binary you still remain male or female.

Incorrect quote.

• Socrates: "The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing". Socrates was skeptical of claims to absolute knowledge and believed that even the wisest person can't know everything.

• Plato: "For I was conscious that I knew practically nothing". This quote is from Plato's account of Socrates

Einstein said: "The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know"

Is everything you say utter crap?

Urgh it's all such complete bollocks, I know I should say something more appropriate but it's just a pathetic waste of time.

there are lots and lots of anomalies in humans. We don’t use them as examples of what humans are.
I have friends who were born without an arm or kidney. It doesn’t mean human’s don’t have 2 arms or 2 kidneys.

@Shessweetbutapsycho

*I would tell them that even if they identify as NB, not everybody accepts that NB is a thing, or maybe the issue is that person struggles to remember the pronouns and it's ok to just gently correct them and accept their apology.

*I would teach my child that they shouldn't accept actual abuse for being NB, that they shouldn't endure threats, physical abuse, being taunted or teased etc, but I would also teach them that respect goes both ways.

*I would teach them not to bully others by hiding behind Newspeak, I would teach them to show compassion to those who may not refer to them the way they wish to be. I could get offended if I thought I was the Queen and others refused to call me Her Majesty but I couldn't let it ruin my day, let alone my life.

*I would teach them that maybe they are different from most in that they have issues with their gender, that I love and care for them as they are but I would warn them against considering their struggles to be above those of their peers. I would remind them that life is hard and we all have different things we battle with. They aren't oppressed, it's not like a disability or skin colour.

You’re comparing supporting someone in an eating disorder that could kill them to showing kindness to someone who is asking you to use different pronouns!? As I said to a PP, perhaps you could try some kindness and tolerance? If your child came to you and expressed they felt more comfortable with alternative pronouns would you tell them it’s all bollocks? it actually costs you nothing to do this

it actually costs you nothing to do this

Bollocks https://fairplayforwomen.com/pronouns/

@Shessweetbutapsycho What's wrong with just using their name or referring to them as they/them? You can still show kindness by not using the "wrong" pronoun in front of them and also not use a pronoun you are uncomfortable with ? Surely then that's a win-win situation for both you and the NB child?

It's not showing kindness.

It's harming them and other women.

It's an act of self harm.

So no that's not kind to up hold it.

And yes that makes it on a par with affirming and eating disorder.

Indeed we know that the rates of a history of sexual abuse, trauma and neuro-diversity amongst anyone presenting as trans are astronomically and frankly aren't a coincidence.

It's a symptom of other issues. So no upholding a lie isn't very helpful because ultimately the second someone has a sex based health condition they are going to have to deal with the fact they aren't non binary.

Cos reality.

If your child came to you and expressed they felt more comfortable with alternative pronouns would you tell them it’s all bollocks?

Yes. I'd consider it part of being a good parent to tell my child that feeling a certain way didn't mean your sex was wrong.

I love confrontation. To be honest i think pronouns are ridiculous. Obvs i’m bot gonna tell her that. But if i were you i will say sorry to her and explain to her and she should talk to you first rather than go to HR.

I really resent the emotional blackmail of forced kindness.

I have spoken on here many times about how it is abusive and harmful to others in the immediate orbit of someone spouting this nonsense because identity is not just individual.

We have multiple identities which are not just individual.

We have relational and shared identities.

When we tell others that we they are no longer the only daughter or are now the second daughter not the eldest, this has a psychological impact.

When women are told they are now lesbians this has an impact. It removes power and their own sense of identity.

There is nothing kind in forcing your pronouns on others.

It's a demonstration of power over someone else. It's abusive. And it doesn't change reality.

I grow tired of the emotional abusers who say 'be kind'.

It is not kind.