Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

You don't see that ordinary stable people's tolerance for all of this bs has well and truly worn thin and that is why we've lost patience with it and won't be gaslit. Its enough, and we're pushing back.

Then the client who is seeking help from a FEMALE charity will have no problems being addressed as she/her.

Good. Glad we've got that settled.

I find 'gender roles' a relatively useful tee to describe the societal expectations/norms around each of the sexes.

But the idea that this vague, fuzzy, ill defined concept should be ascribed much importance at all, much less deemed more consequential that sex is so stupid that I can't even compute. 🫠

It's like we're pissing all over the triumph of the Enlightenment in favour of 'feelz'.

No, it is true for those who don't live in fantasyland, and it is based in and backed by science. I doubt you've even read it. What is unscientific is 'nonbinary'.

Non binary makes my brain explode because it's stupid on two totally different levels.

When it comes to sex, it's nonsensical, because no one is 'non binary'.

When it comes to gender it's redundant because everyone is 'non binary'.

Just how did we become this stupid? 🫠

People move all the time because they prefer the culture in a different place.

We are a charity who only support women so I have been using 'she' routinely for years

So how does 'only supporting women' translate with transgender people? Do you support M-F only? Or do you support F-M too given their birth sex?

You may as well say that crocodiles existing in Australia is a rubbish argument for the existence of crocodiles because you've never seen one in England and Australia is irrelevant to an English person.

crocodiles exist and have been scientifically recorded. They are tangible and exist. The equivalent would be someone’s imaginary animal in Australia.

Somebody that misgenders another person should feel bad about it because of the likelihood of it having a significant impact on the emotional wellbeing and mental health of the person being misgendered. You’re advising the OP not to feel bad about it, but I can guarantee the person being misgendered feels bad every time it happens. It is possible to learn how to use pronouns correctly, even if this feels different to how we have “learned” to refer to people. Of course mistakes can happen, but these should be acknowledged and corrected, not minimised.

They are not being misgendered. She was born female and will die as a female. Ffs

No what is ignorant is 'nonbinary' rubbish. OP should not feel bad about correct-sexing a person. You sound very brainwashed.

Somebody that misgenders another person should feel bad about it because of the likelihood of it having a significant impact on the emotional wellbeing and mental health of the person being misgendered.

If this is the case, people need psychological help.

Having your mental health dependent on compelled lying from everyone else is a recipe for disaster.

I would not say anything more to this colleague. What a nasty person going to your line manager instead of letting you know that in a minority of instances that you had used "she". I would think a lot less of this colleague and try to avoid her. Let her make some mistakes and see how she likes them reported to her line manager.

If this is the case, people need psychological help.

Having your mental health dependent on compelled lying from everyone else is a recipe for disaster.

The elephant in the room.

That's a great little fascist power play, isn't it? 'I will change my identity and you will call me what I tell you to call me'. Nope, not going along with that. I have a friend who has changed her name three times already and now wants to be known by the unpronounceable multisyllabic name of an Anglo Saxon deity. No, that's not going to happen.

Oh @Shessweetbutapsycho ...'corrected ' can I correct you to say don't you you mean, they are being compelled to engage in someone else's delusion?

If the person is that unwell they need to misgender themselves, they need far more help than this charity can give them. No one needs to indulge someone's mental illness. No one should be gaslit to mis-sex someone. We're not doing that person any favours by indulging a harmful ideology and fantasy.

I mean, we don't affirm anorexics beliefs that they are actually fat. Because that's insanity.

Similarly, no

If you invent a third gender and call it "non binary" you clearly don't understand that binary means "there are only two things".

Whoops, no one else should feel compelled to lie for the sake of someone else's mental health.

@Shessweetbutapsycho Somebody that misgenders another person should feel bad about it because of the likelihood of it having a significant impact on the emotional wellbeing and mental health of the person being misgendered. You’re advising the OP not to feel bad about it, but I can guarantee the person being misgendered feels bad every time it happens. It is possible to learn how to use pronouns correctly, even if this feels different to how we have “learned” to refer to people. Of course mistakes can happen, but these should be acknowledged and corrected, not minimised

I couldn't give a shit how they feel. I'm not pandering to all that nonsense.

We are using pronouns correctly.

"She/her" for female people.
"He/him" for male people.
"They/them" for groups of people or unknown people whose sex we do not know.

Are you seriously comparing gender identities to crocodiles?