Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

I've no idea what toleryfor is Peach?

But I think that calling people correct sex pronouns is absolutely essential, especially when it comes to defining women's rights. They are part of the language creep that has led to rapists getting into women's prisons.

This article sums it up pretty well.

https://fairplayforwomen.com/pronouns/

Tolerance for* typo.

That piece of writing is completely unscientific and alarmist. It's also discriminatory in that it paints an entire group of people as predators.

Distancing yourself from one colleague would be noted and absolutely discouraged.

She can be as polite as she has to, while distancing herself as much as she can. She can use her judgment. But I would suggest that she keeps what this person did front of mind and makes sure she can cover herself if they are trying to make trouble.

I would not refer to it again but I would also quit being nice and friendly. I would stick to formal and professional in tone. I would only do what I had to for her. She sounds awful.

That piece of writing is completely unscientific and alarmist. It's also discriminatory in that it paints an entire group of people as predators.

It's a very good essay. It doesn't paint an entire group of people as predators, it explains how obfuscatory language can facilitate that.

I already commented earlier today but wanted to add that I am not surprised that this is happening in a charity...

I have worked in that sector for over 20 years and it is amazing how many self-righteous, back-stabbing, passive aggressive, bullying people work for charities.

Also why is a charity set up to support women and girls supporting non binary individuals? they can't have it both ways...if someone is not or does not identify as a woman then they should respect that this should be a woman only space and seek help elsewhere.

Of course you think it's unscientific. You're a true gender believer and don't care at all that women's sex based rights are harmed as a result of your so-called tolerance.

Tell me Peach, I asked you this on another thread and you declined to answer, why if Sex and Gender are different (and this is one point on which we agree), do males use their gender identities to demand access to spaces reserved for people of the female sex, thus removing women's SEX based protections?

Tell me Peach, I asked you this on another thread and you declined to answer, why if Sex and Gender are different (and this is one point on which we agree), do males use their gender identities to demand access to spaces reserved for people of the female sex, thus removing women's SEX based protections?

An extremely good point.

Gender does not exist

Pronouns - are for your sex

Non binary people - are just mental.

Quite. The OP has to protect herself against this delightfully sharp elbowed individual and if that erodes some team camaraderie I don’t see that that is on her to sort out.

Look I have no problem with people thinking they are 'non binary' but it should have as much relevance to me as their star sign, Myers Briggs type or chakra alignment.

That is to say, none at all.

I don't know and I don't care.

I also don't see what that has to do with calling non binary people mental or refusing to respect their pronouns.

I think it is unscientific, because I am a scientist and recognise bad science when I see it.

refusing to respect their pronouns.

I have always used pronouns to refer to people's sex.

I am respecting scientific reality.

Can we have a scientific definition of gender in that case?

I don't know and I don't care - well that's quite an own! You don't know why males are demanding access to women's single sex spaces and don't care that it harms women.

I also don't see what that has to do with calling non binary people mental or refusing to respect their pronouns.. I haven't called any person mental, I have said the whole thing is madness. What it has to do with refusing to use preferred pronouns is obvious, if we are forced to use incorrect pronouns we are going along with an ideology that results in men being called she which makes them think they have the right to use women's single sex spaces, even though they are not of the female sex. You don't know why they do that or even care but many of us do. So you may think that we should 'be kind' to people who want us to refer to them as they/ them but it is all part on an insidious erosion of sex based rights for women as the article I linked above - Pronouns are Rohypnol demonstrates.

I think it is unscientific, because I am a scientist and recognise bad science when I see it. As a scientistic you accept that sex and gender are different which is true but won't explain why gender is being used as an argument to destroy sex based rights. Wow. So this means that you are saying that that article is 'bad science' but can't explain in any scientifically reasonable way why males are conflating sex and gender when it comes to sex based provisions? And furthermore you don't care that they are doing this? Again, wow.

Some cultures marry off 9 year old girls.

Picking and choosing things from other cultures is a poor argument and frankly nonsense.

What is the correct pronoun?

To be honest this would be me.

I wouldn’t help her when she asked for it again, not if she made complaints about me.

Burnt bridges and all that.

She could be bothered by something, and mention it to you, but she chose to complain above you.

Alas, my help would also cease from this point

Unlike some people, yes, I own my views.

The majority of trans people who want to use female spaces do so because they see themselves as female. The men who use the laws intended to protect trans people to harm women are just criminals. Because they are predators and have found a way to use laws that protect one group of people to harm another group. Laws being exploited is not a scientific issue it is a legal one so why would I know why people do these things because I know someone's views formed from an irrelevant experiment are bullshit?

Why do criminals behave in disgusting ways and commit crimes? I don't know. Why do some men assault women and others don't? I don't know. Crim is crime. Do you know why people commit all crimes? Do you care about the motivation of such crimes or do you just want criminals to be arrested and punished when it happens and hope that they don't commit crimes in the first place? That's quite a normal stance in my opinion. Do we get rid of all of our laws that criminals exploit? I don't think so, but maybe a lawyer knows better.

You haven't called non binary people mental but a few posters have, on a thread where you claim there is no hatred and everyone simply having a nice discussion. So just thought it needed pointing out. HTH.

So are you ready to own your views? You say you have no problem with NB people but saying they can exist and think whatever they want about themselves but saying you don't have to respect the way they want you to address them or speak about them and seeming to think that their very existence is a slippery slope to criminal men getting into women's spaces to commit crimes is having a problem with them you know. Like the people who say I have no problems with gay people, I just want them to be gay behind closed doors so I never have to see two men kissing or holding hands. How can you not see thats the same thing and it's prejudice?

There are lots of great things in other cultures and lots of problems with western cultures.

Is there a 3rd option? Is there a 3rd sex you've discovered that you're keeping to yourself?

No. But non binary refers to gender not sex so why would there be a third sex? There are third genders in some cultures.

The majority of trans people who want to use female spaces do so because they see themselves as female

But they objectively aren't. So no, no valid.

If they want to campaign for third spaces then we'd all be supportive of that.

Laws being exploited is not a scientific issue it is a legal one so why would I know why people do these things because I know someone's views formed from an irrelevant experiment are bullshit?

What you are basically saying here is that women will be harmed as collateral damage because of this and that you don't care. Message received loud and clear.

So?

I've been told there are 74 genders. Or 128.

None of that matters. Sex matters and there are two of those.

Sorry quoted wrong post 😳