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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm never that girl :(

150 replies

Hello113 · 05/12/2024 20:29

Bit of a pity party I guess. Single 4 years, no one ever shows any interest in me. All friends coupled up. A week ago I drank too much when out for the night (I know) and slept with a sort of friend/ acquaintance who I've felt chemistry with in the past. He's now left my message on read for over 24 hours. I just feel like I'm never the girl they actually want. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know because I don't want them to know what happened.

OP posts:
unclemtty · 07/12/2024 15:41

@Hello113 you've had a bad run of two ghostings which is unfortunate.
It happens, it's shit, modern times and all that, but dating these days is a very often a numbers game.

I suggest that if you dated more (I know it's not easy, especially if you have any standards) then you might get used to the tough and tumble and become more resilient to the bullshit.

Only have sex with guys you want to have sex with, not with the expectation that sex is transactional and you expect that guys will want to see you again, or that they owe you continued dating.

This may mean lots more dating but not necessarily more sex as you gain your confidence about what you are looking for and who you want to date, rather than dating whoever falls into your lap every few years.

I think often a man will have sex with someone they aren't 'interested' in and so sex is not the barometer on which to judge their intentions. Men may think all women are like them and casual sex means nothing, or they might not care or have even considered your feelings, so you are going to have to be the one who safeguards your wellbeing.

Whatever upset, disappointment and hurt you are feeling now would vanish if you suddenly met someone you had a genuine connection with, so think about how you might increase your chances of meeting that person.
It's not necessarily about changing who you are, but maybe being more proactive in finding opportunities to mix with people in different circles than the ones you are already in.

It's so random if you do find someone decent, but there are lots of happy couple who did, so worth thinking about how you might make yourself more available to finding that person.

LalaPaloosa2024 · 07/12/2024 19:30

Hello113 · 06/12/2024 22:33

No, he's ignored it for 2 days. He's not going to reply.
I know people are saying oh you didn't ask a question etc but I think it's rude to ignore anyone's messages. Especially when you've been intimate with someone. Way to make them feel vulnerable.

What an arsehole OP. He is rude and you have every right to be angry and upset. I would be too. Ignore him, and if he ever messages you again, don’t respond. Write him off - you have seen who he is.

At least you didn’t waste valuable time with him. The years of my time I wasted in relationships with men who were beneath me, making excuses and rationalising their shitty behaviour…

You are still young and you will meet someone who treats you right. Until they do treat you right, don’t settle and certainly don’t lose sleep over losers like this.

Hello113 · 07/12/2024 19:34

Lwrenn · 07/12/2024 11:13

@Hello113 how are you pal?
Been thinking of you and hoping you’re not feeling shite still over some gutless wonder.

Aw, thanks for checking in. Don't feel brilliant but just trying not to think about it as much as I can. I didnt even realise myself but I think I must have cared more for this person than I realised and going to have to chalk this one down to experience. And learn that casual sex is not for me. I'm too sensitive I think.

OP posts:
TriesNotToBeCynical · 07/12/2024 19:56

Hello113 · 07/12/2024 19:34

Aw, thanks for checking in. Don't feel brilliant but just trying not to think about it as much as I can. I didnt even realise myself but I think I must have cared more for this person than I realised and going to have to chalk this one down to experience. And learn that casual sex is not for me. I'm too sensitive I think.

Well message him and ask him to meet you for a coffee. They you'll find out if he's mean or just shy.

Iaminthefly · 07/12/2024 20:28

Really @TriesNotToBeCynical?

The guy hasn't answered her. Why on earth would the poster then message him a further time to ask him out for coffee.

No man who really likes a woman is too shy to answer a friendly text. Don't give op such awful advice.

Hello113 · 07/12/2024 20:55

TriesNotToBeCynical · 07/12/2024 19:56

Well message him and ask him to meet you for a coffee. They you'll find out if he's mean or just shy.

No, I really cannot bear to message him again. I think from his side, no message is sending a message.

OP posts:
Ashwapanda · 07/12/2024 23:25

I'm sorry OP, he sounds rubbish. You sound lovely and I'm sure you will meet someone who is worth your interest. I would say cut your losses with this one and think about joining something where you might meet someone else - are there any sports or activities you like where you could meet someone with similar interests? Good luck x

Hello113 · 09/12/2024 00:42

So he finally replied saying sorry and that he thought he'd replied. I think what he's sent back is quite a neutral message.

OP posts:
Hello113 · 09/12/2024 00:46

It's friendly but also puts emphasis on the frienship group rather than us. So that's fine. I feel a little better that he's replied and have learnt casual liasons are not for me and I cared more about him than I realised!

OP posts:
TriesNotToBeCynical · 09/12/2024 12:46

I'm glad he's finally answered. He sounds hard work, not really giving his own opinion so much as reflecting yours - and only when you spoke first. He clearly is happy to keep in touch. You still don't know how he feels about you - it is up to you whether you want to find out, or just give him up as too lacking in initiative.

Hello113 · 09/12/2024 17:44

TriesNotToBeCynical · 09/12/2024 12:46

I'm glad he's finally answered. He sounds hard work, not really giving his own opinion so much as reflecting yours - and only when you spoke first. He clearly is happy to keep in touch. You still don't know how he feels about you - it is up to you whether you want to find out, or just give him up as too lacking in initiative.

I referenced a heart to heart we had and said it was nice and he said it was nice too. It's hard to know how he feels from his message but I feel too worried to be rejected. If he was more enthusiastic I would probably suggest getting a drink just because I enjoyed spending time with him and wouldn't mind spending a bit more time with him.

OP posts:
Bewareofthisonetoo · 09/12/2024 18:12

It has been said many times on here, but do listen to Matthew Hussey podcasts. Just listened to one today -really don’t agonise over trying to work out who someone you like does not respond the way you want them to. Keep meeting people and enjoying your own life and don’t over think.
I a man is interested you will know it. If he isn’t , then it’s not his fault! He just isn’t interested, the same way you would not be interested in most of the people who might be interested in you…
No need to respond to a message that isn’t a question.

HRTQueen · 09/12/2024 21:02

That old line thought I had replied … who hasn’t used this when we know we haven’t

we all know if we are wanting a reply we check that it’s been sent and read

he really isn’t worth thinking about move on to someone who has more respect for you and will want to contact you

can’t promise you will find that someone but at least treat yourself with respect you deserve as not everyone else will

SassyRobin · 10/12/2024 08:00

@Hello113 you might find this short essay helpful (don't be put off by the title!).

thoughtcatalog.com/sabrina-bendory/2024/09/when-a-guy-likes-you-but-doesnt-like-you-enough/

WarmFrogPond · 10/12/2024 08:26

HRTQueen · 09/12/2024 21:02

That old line thought I had replied … who hasn’t used this when we know we haven’t

we all know if we are wanting a reply we check that it’s been sent and read

he really isn’t worth thinking about move on to someone who has more respect for you and will want to contact you

can’t promise you will find that someone but at least treat yourself with respect you deserve as not everyone else will

I’ve not infrequently believed I’ve replied, to discover days or more later that I composed a lengthy message and didn’t in fact hit ‘send’.

Im not saying that’s what happened here, only that I’ve done it from time to time in all innocence, to people I minded about.

SassyRobin · 10/12/2024 08:49

WarmFrogPond · 10/12/2024 08:26

I’ve not infrequently believed I’ve replied, to discover days or more later that I composed a lengthy message and didn’t in fact hit ‘send’.

Im not saying that’s what happened here, only that I’ve done it from time to time in all innocence, to people I minded about.

I've done it too, but I probably wouldn't do it to someone I was romantically interested in, days after sleeping with them.

DancingLions · 10/12/2024 09:15

Prince Charming doesn't just show up because you stopped looking for him

Yep! It's all very well meaning for people to say you'll meet your person. But you might not. And I actually wish I had known that when I was young and in your position. Because the "let down" when it didn't happen felt worse the longer it went on. I blamed myself in numerous ways. I questioned the universe as to why it didn't happen for me. When the blunt truth is, it's down to luck as much as anything.

That's why things like this hit hard, it's just another rejection. If you feel this way, something like OLD is the worst thing you could do right now, as you need a very thick skin for it. It's not for someone who is already feeling vulnerable (I say this from experience!).

You do have to stop looking. Not because that will bring Mr Right to your door (because it most likely won't) but because you need to focus on you and making a life you're happy with. It's true that you are then more likely to attract the right sort of person. But you need to be ok with the possibility that it also might not happen. That is how it is.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 10/12/2024 12:17

OP - he is not interested in you romantically. If a man was in to you he would make the effort to text you straight away.

Men don’t really analyse messages or read in to things - they are much more black and white.

TriesNotToBeCynical · 10/12/2024 13:09

Cheesyfootballs01 · 10/12/2024 12:17

OP - he is not interested in you romantically. If a man was in to you he would make the effort to text you straight away.

Men don’t really analyse messages or read in to things - they are much more black and white.

A bit of an over-generalisation. Some of us are insecure and agonise over things. Even if you, personally, find that an unattractive quality.

villagecrafts · 10/12/2024 13:32

Hello113 · 09/12/2024 17:44

I referenced a heart to heart we had and said it was nice and he said it was nice too. It's hard to know how he feels from his message but I feel too worried to be rejected. If he was more enthusiastic I would probably suggest getting a drink just because I enjoyed spending time with him and wouldn't mind spending a bit more time with him.

I've read all your posts and going by this last one if I were you I would text him something casual but along those lines -

Fancy a drink sometime? I enjoyed spending time with you and wouldn't mind spending a bit more time with you.

Looks like you have nothing to lose, and if he says not really, just rather meet in the friendship group, then you are back to where you were when he supposedly forgot to reply.

Men can also lack confidence so it could be he fears rejection too. At least then you'd know for sure, and not missed an opportunity for things to progress if there is the potential for it to be something more.

wholettheturnipsburn · 10/12/2024 16:34

DancingLions · 10/12/2024 09:15

Prince Charming doesn't just show up because you stopped looking for him

Yep! It's all very well meaning for people to say you'll meet your person. But you might not. And I actually wish I had known that when I was young and in your position. Because the "let down" when it didn't happen felt worse the longer it went on. I blamed myself in numerous ways. I questioned the universe as to why it didn't happen for me. When the blunt truth is, it's down to luck as much as anything.

That's why things like this hit hard, it's just another rejection. If you feel this way, something like OLD is the worst thing you could do right now, as you need a very thick skin for it. It's not for someone who is already feeling vulnerable (I say this from experience!).

You do have to stop looking. Not because that will bring Mr Right to your door (because it most likely won't) but because you need to focus on you and making a life you're happy with. It's true that you are then more likely to attract the right sort of person. But you need to be ok with the possibility that it also might not happen. That is how it is.

Thank you for posting this

I've already commented on this thread but it seems like I'm howling in the wind

I get so upset every time someone posts a cliche, it really is upsetting

Most of the time it doesn't happen when you stop looking and there ISN'T someone out there for everyone.

It makes me feel that there is something really wrong with me

villagecrafts · 10/12/2024 16:38

wholettheturnipsburn · 10/12/2024 16:34

Thank you for posting this

I've already commented on this thread but it seems like I'm howling in the wind

I get so upset every time someone posts a cliche, it really is upsetting

Most of the time it doesn't happen when you stop looking and there ISN'T someone out there for everyone.

It makes me feel that there is something really wrong with me

I'm sure you're right, @wholettheturnipsburn , which is why when you do feel there might be a connection, I think it's worth being brave and taking the risk of possibly being rejected.

villagecrafts · 10/12/2024 16:39

@wholettheturnipsburn - just to clarify, it certainly doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you!

Bewareofthisonetoo · 15/12/2024 07:30

Cheesyfootballs01 · 10/12/2024 12:17

OP - he is not interested in you romantically. If a man was in to you he would make the effort to text you straight away.

Men don’t really analyse messages or read in to things - they are much more black and white.

Some do - my ex ghosted me because I accidentally left a kiss off a message. He was pathologically insecure although casual acquaintances won’t think that because he was tall/drop dead gorgeous. On another occasion I asked him how an ex of his would describe him, and he said ‘I think she’d say he was a nice guy’. I said, ‘Yes I’d say the same’ and he said, ‘So you’re using the past tense. Are you dumping me?’
Was a minefield writing messages to him!!!!

tuvamoodyson · 15/12/2024 07:41

TriesNotToBeCynical · 05/12/2024 23:53

Exactly what I would suggest to the OP if she actually wants to find out a bit more before deciding about him. Ask him if he fancies a daytime coffee sometime - he's really got to answer that.

No he doesn’t…he could block her if he wanted to. The harsh truth might be he just fancied having sex with someone and she was there 🤷🏼‍♀️ it really doesn’t have to be any more than that.

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