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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm never that girl :(

150 replies

Hello113 · 05/12/2024 20:29

Bit of a pity party I guess. Single 4 years, no one ever shows any interest in me. All friends coupled up. A week ago I drank too much when out for the night (I know) and slept with a sort of friend/ acquaintance who I've felt chemistry with in the past. He's now left my message on read for over 24 hours. I just feel like I'm never the girl they actually want. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know because I don't want them to know what happened.

OP posts:
Keleshey · 05/12/2024 23:37

You want to be "that girl" but for who? for a man who can't even be bothered to message back? or for YOU?

First and foremost you have to be 'that girl' for you? does that make sense? everything else (and everyone else) is (or should be) periphery and you need to try to concentrate on loving yourself before you expect anyone else to (as cliche as that sounds).

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/12/2024 23:42

Do you want to see him again or are you looking for a response to a text for validation?

It sounds like a harsh question but not intended that way at all! If you want to see him again then just ask him specifically to meet up.

Quick Story about my now husband… I knew he had my # for a week… I didn’t have his. So the first time I ran into him my first question was “So you’ve had my # for a week and haven’t called.. what the hell…were you ever planning on calling?”

By the end of the night we had concrete plans to see each other again

That direct approach did not always work, but when it did there was a better chance of things working out, because A- I’m just really direct and B-there was no miscues and ambiguity.

LondonFox · 05/12/2024 23:47

Hello113 · 05/12/2024 20:39

I just said I enjoyed your company and then made reference to a group of us that used to go out saying it's a shame those get together don't happen anymore.
I feel like shit. I don't deserve to be ignored.

Show quote history

Tbh I cannot imagine man who would feel happy and wanted after you send him first post sex message about how you liked going out as friends.
Ofc he is radio silent.
Just imagine flipped scenario.

Maybe next time send some more personal joke, tell something nice about him that sounds sexy and tease him a bit or invite over again depending on your dynamics.

Example:
I am still wondering where you got all your skills from, 10/10 🙃
But also I may not be the most objective one so just a half a grade for you 😅

HRTQueen · 05/12/2024 23:47

If he was interested he would have found a way to word a reply

the ops message wasn’t a blunt statement it was open to a response

why is it acceptable to not give a reply to someone you have just spent the night with even if it’s just a hi have a nice day

we really shouldn’t be accepting such excuses like there is nothing to say to that message, there is always something that can be said being polite and respectful is the minimum we should expect

Enough4me · 05/12/2024 23:51

Not sure if you've seen the book,"he's just not that into you?". I read it years ago, it was based on women asking similar questions and wondering if they did something wrong, to be told no it's him not you - he's not into you enough to put effort in (he had sex just because he wanted to and you wanted to).
Let the door close, bang it if it makes you feel better and...NEXT!

TriesNotToBeCynical · 05/12/2024 23:53

Monty27 · 05/12/2024 22:21

The message was neutral and not saying anything about what had happened. I suppose the way to go is having coffee out somewhere and put things into perspective.
You don't sound that bothered so nothing to lose. At least it would clear the air.

Exactly what I would suggest to the OP if she actually wants to find out a bit more before deciding about him. Ask him if he fancies a daytime coffee sometime - he's really got to answer that.

Enough4me · 05/12/2024 23:57

Have a look on You Tube, Matthew Hussey dating advice. It can be interesting to hear another perspective.

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/12/2024 23:59

He obviously isn’t that interested, if men are they will be in touch.

Overthinking is really bad and many women do it. All we can do is own our own reactions to situations. So many of my women friends want to work out why a man has behaved in a certain way. My philosophy has always been does this man piss me off or upset me? Can I tolerate him? If the answer was yes to being pissed off or upset then it was over.

I worked in a very male dominated environment for a few years. They let things slip sometimes. So those few years in my late twenties taught me a lot. Not by asking other women but by being around men. They were great as mates but FML they would have been rubbish as partners.

HoppingPavlova · 06/12/2024 00:06

I’m thinking he wouldn’t think there was a need to respond. DH and my sons definitely wouldn’t, because there is no specific question to answer and they don’t do ‘chat’. If I need to convey an important piece of information, I have to explicitly instruct to reply back saying you have read. It is what it is.

MarvellousMable · 06/12/2024 00:38

Hello113 · 05/12/2024 20:39

I just said I enjoyed your company and then made reference to a group of us that used to go out saying it's a shame those get together don't happen anymore.
I feel like shit. I don't deserve to be ignored.

Show quote history

But you treat yourself as though you want to be ignored/dismissed.

however you want to be treated, try to think about how such people go about life.

i do feel your pain and wish you the very best but please treat yourself, mind and body better. Have some boundaries and self respect.

NotwhatIthoughtitwouldbe · 06/12/2024 01:28

HRTQueen · 05/12/2024 23:47

If he was interested he would have found a way to word a reply

the ops message wasn’t a blunt statement it was open to a response

why is it acceptable to not give a reply to someone you have just spent the night with even if it’s just a hi have a nice day

we really shouldn’t be accepting such excuses like there is nothing to say to that message, there is always something that can be said being polite and respectful is the minimum we should expect

Agreed, also if I'm reading it right this is the first and only message after having sex? And some people on here think it's ok for him to just not respond to her? Someone said maybe he was gutted by the message and doesn't know how to respond.......
If a guy is interested, he'll put in the effort. For the 'right' person, he would.

Cornflakes44 · 06/12/2024 02:03

I feel like men just don't get it. Like just be nice after sex even if it's not going anywhere, but I think men panic and think any message will mean more than it does. I was often the one that did get the guy, then I met my guy at 37 and I was the one for him. Some people gel some don't. You will find your one.

Original poster
Hello113 · 06/12/2024 08:39

MarvellousMable · 06/12/2024 00:38

But you treat yourself as though you want to be ignored/dismissed.

however you want to be treated, try to think about how such people go about life.

i do feel your pain and wish you the very best but please treat yourself, mind and body better. Have some boundaries and self respect.

Show quote history

I don't understand how I've treated myself as though I want to be ignored or dismissed?

OP posts:
someonethatyoulovetoomuch · 06/12/2024 08:48

You have my sympathy OP, I was you once upon a time and it does make you feel shit. I slept with a friend/acquaintance after a party once, sent him a generic friendly message like yours the following day and he ignored it. Then about 5 years later - at which point I was married and had a one year old - asking if I wanted to get together for “old times sake”. Some men are just gross. Don’t feel embarrassed or downhearted, if you enjoyed the evening then just take it as a fun one off evening & a man who doesn’t warrant anymore of your attention. You’ll find your happily ever after when the time (and the man) is right.

ssd · 06/12/2024 08:52

No one wants to be ignored or dismissed and its a horrible feeling when it happens. Most people, except the very thick skinned, have been there and they will emphasis with you op. I really hope you meet someone decent soon, you certainly deserve itFlowers

ssd · 06/12/2024 08:53

Sorry for typo i cant edit on my phone

habgsidldjsbeudbsbsgdjebej · 06/12/2024 08:53

Uch that's harsh but as you said you don't think there is anything Romantic with him so put it down to just a fun time

You will be there person for someone.

Stop looking. Once you stop looking you give off a different vibe ... apparently

How old are you OP?

Original poster
Hello113 · 06/12/2024 08:59

habgsidldjsbeudbsbsgdjebej · 06/12/2024 08:53

Uch that's harsh but as you said you don't think there is anything Romantic with him so put it down to just a fun time

You will be there person for someone.

Stop looking. Once you stop looking you give off a different vibe ... apparently

How old are you OP?

I'm 30

OP posts:
SassyRobin · 06/12/2024 08:59

Enough4me · 05/12/2024 23:51

Not sure if you've seen the book,"he's just not that into you?". I read it years ago, it was based on women asking similar questions and wondering if they did something wrong, to be told no it's him not you - he's not into you enough to put effort in (he had sex just because he wanted to and you wanted to).
Let the door close, bang it if it makes you feel better and...NEXT!

This is the best dating book I've ever read. So liberating.

But it does mean I wince slightly reading all the different excuses people come up with for why someone wouldn't contact OP for a whole week since sleeping with her/reply to her message.

If someone is interested in you, they'll make sure you know. And this is speaking from experience!

Maniskin · 06/12/2024 09:04

tarheelbaby · 05/12/2024 20:42

That's a good, basic, neutral message. Maybe he's trying to work out what to say. Many men are unable to cobble together a few words, never mind a whole text. They really are pathetic.

Did you enjoy your time with friend/acquaintance? If so, don't worry about it. If you see him again, just be friendly.

Really aren’t that pathetic. My other half is on the spectrum snd knew exactly what to say back and quickly. if he is into you then even a basic hi back, I enjoyed it too, they wouldn’t find it find difficult. The amount of excuses we make for men that just aren’t that into is. We’ve all been there and we grew up with experience.

habgsidldjsbeudbsbsgdjebej · 06/12/2024 09:14

@Hello113
You're only 30! The world is at your feet!

Get in the apps
Get out to coffee shops
Get out to hobbies
Get out and about everywhere . This time of year with Christmas is a great time to get chatting to people.

Keep putting yourself out there and just have a good time. Don't purposely go out looking for a man. Have fun with your friends.

Peckhaminn2 · 06/12/2024 09:16

Hi OP. My friend was in a very similar position to you. We were all in LTR and she had been single 5 years. The minute she genuinely gave up and wasn't interested in a relationship she met her current LTR. It happens when you least expect it x

eastcoasterly · 06/12/2024 09:16

Honestly I'm confused OP. And I would say that's probably the problem with your message/reaction. On one hand you're saying he's unreasonable for not replying, on the other hand you're saying you aren't interested in anything further with him, but then you might be open to something, but then you aren't bothered, but then he's rude, but you're not bothered, but how dare he.... etc. Remembering my own single years and similar frustrations at the time- our own indecisiveness and lack of clarity somehow leaks into all our communications. Your message didn't ask a question, your message didn't demand a reply and could be read as a let down text even if it wasn't your intention. But you're not bothered about him anyway so what does it matter? The fact you've taken it to MN suggests it's mattering more than you want to admit and comes over a little desperate rather than the cool calm relaxed person you might be in other situations.

Daniki · 06/12/2024 10:24

Do you know what, I was you when I was younger. Always felt the same, had loads of guy mates but never really anyone serious. I went travelling and it opened up a whole new world, met my husband in Australia nearly 12 years ago 🥰 it won't always be like this, it always happens when you least expect it! (I know everyone says that but it's true!)

TheMixedGirl · 06/12/2024 10:29

OP. It seems he made it pretty clear he wasn't interested. You then text him the next day (albeit friendly). I would have left him to it. I think you either like him more than you are making out or are desperate for a relationship. Pls just enjoy your life and don't long for a relationship. In that you'll find someone trust me