To think life would be much easier if my family could help?

[wishihadfamilytohelp]

I know I probably am BU, as I’m sure it is not all roses but …

I have friends with similarly aged children who have parents who have the children overnight: they get to sleep through and get a lie in the next day.

They will take a child or even both if parents are under the weather or very busy.

They will have them even for a weekend or longer

i don’t think I would take the piss or anything … but it would make the world of difference I feel and I am very wistful! My parents have died so obviously can’t help! Or AIBU?

Yanbu. The difference is immense. I used to have support when my children were tiddly and it made life so much easier. Mine are teens now and I have had three nights off.

Not unreasonable (can't vote on my phone). We are lucky to have this kind of help from my in laws and it's a godsend because we work shifts. I always think about how much harder we'd find it without that help and a break if needed, must be really challenging OPx

YANBU for sure. I have zero family support - they all live in New Zealand. I can't even imagine how much easier it would be. I'm so jealous.

I’d love a bit of family support! YANBU! The lowest point was pushing a pram with a six month old in and wrangling a three year old to the hospital whilst I had my broken ankle checked, I could even bloody walk and nobody would help!!

Absolutely true. There is a world of difference between having close (useful) extended family to help out with bits and pieces, as opposed to having to do everything yourself, or use paid childcare.

IME people with useful family often don't realise how much of a difference this does make and how much harder it is for people without.

Yanbu, my parents lived 20 minutes away and had retired. They refused point blank to look after my children even for a minute.
The odd thing was my grandmother doted on us and had us all the time so my parents should have realised it would have been nice to help!
I am NC with my parents now (not because of this) but it all adds to the bigger picture, they didn't really care about me and by extension they didn't care about their grandchildren.

My parents health is goosed so I have to get on myself as does DH. It is what it is.

We had ad hoc family help like you describe, and then overnight it disappeared. So having had family help and then suddenly not, YANBU - it's bloody hard with two toddlers and no family support.

Yes it does make the world of difference; we had that support then for various reasons outside of anyone’s control it stopped and it’s been hard. DH and I have to be more creative about the logistics of life, rely on having flexible work and be creative to have time for just us.

I was a forces wife when my dc were little, consequently no family close by and dh also away a lot of the time. However we lived in married quarters so lots of families in the same boat. My friends became like family and although they couldn't help much as they had their own dc it was still supportive and helped with the isolation I felt. They were life savers when I had PND.

Yanbu. I have a 3 month old and need to come to terms with not having another baby ever again as being on my own all day with zero help is killing me. I would give anything for my mum to pop by once in a while for a cup of tea and hold the baby so I can nap or something. As it is, life is utter and complete misery.

When I was bringing my children up I had no help at all from family because they all lived too far away. It would have been great - but thinking about it there might have been some complications - maybe we were better off without it! - who knows? 😀

the early days are TOUGH.

YANBU - DH works at sea for weeks at a time, I work, DC at nursery. Both sets of parents live within a 5 min drive and see DC for about 2h per month each. One set still works full time in fairness so fair enough. The other set - one is retired and one works 2 days per week.

They frequently like to tell me “I don’t know how you do it. I never would have coped without my mum/auntie/sister taking the kids when I needed a break” 🫠😂 but none will have my DC to even allow me to attend a medical appointment 😂

I’ve had a new health condition diagnosed this year which resulted in me having a very very tough time for a good few months until we got to the bottom of it. I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t sleep, I was in severe pain…and they all still phoned me to moan about their issues without even a thought to how I was 🤯

Even parents with family near by can’t always rely on them for any support. My parents are alive, healthy and live near me and have never offered to help with childcare at all. My dad walks my dog once a week to ‘help’, but that’s because he loves dogs and wants to. I’ve never asked him to do this and it’s not the dog I need help with, he’s easy. My mum does absolutely nothing to help. Her parents looked after me and my sister all the time. She does expect me to drop everything so she can see her grandchild whenever she wants, but I have to be there and she won’t spend any time with him alone. It would honestly be less work to live nowhere near family.

Yanbu. My DH’s parents are not around so we also have his elderly grandfather to look after as well as our DC. It’s hard work.

I feel your pain. I’m no contact with my parents (for very good reason) and my husbands parents are dead. I’ve not had a break in 7 years (I have two young children). I see many many families around me receiving endless help and I can’t help but be a little jealous ! (And I’m not sure they know how lucky they are!)

@Strawberrycheesecake7 the title is re no family to help … it isn’t set up as a competition at all family who won’t help is as hard as family who can’t. Either way is no family help!

@Strawberrycheesecake7 I actually think having family nearby who don't help at all is worse than not having them nearby in the first place. I'd resent them so much!!

I understand where you are coming from, however my parents had no help from family due to living quite far away, and managed, by making sacrifices.

I have 3 children and whilst our parents are near by for various reasons they have not been in a position to support, and have not helped with childcare. However we have made lifestyle/ career changes to give us the balance we needed. I am actually glad we have not had have childcare support, and infant the rare instances where we have needed it, we have asked friends for support

Yes, of course it makes a difference to live among a wider family willing to share time and resources to nurture the people within it. The atomisation of families has suited the wide project of a country's productivity but it has been disastrous for the wellbeing of most of the individuals within it.

YANBU, I can imagine it helps so much. We're expecting DC3 and live a five minute walk from my Mum, who is semi-retired but works from home two days a week (and does a lot of hobbies and volunteering). We have a one day a week arrangement where she takes eldest DC to nursery, which is helpful in many ways, but she no longer has DC2 for the day (meaning she's at home whilst we're both trying to WFH).

In the four years we've lived nearby, she's never offered to have them round for the night, and any time she babysits have to be agreed months in advance, and depends on the children being asleep and unlikely to disturb her (the last time we had an evening out was for our anniversary 7 months ago). Normally she'll also call us mid-date if one of the children wakes up, and insists we return home early, as she refuses to settle them, so that's meant 2-3 nights out have been cut short. Essentially, she will do the bare minimum, so long it is at her convenience, which generally means spending the day on her phone/ipad with the children sat in front of a TV.. I love my Mum, but we no longer depend on her for regular childcare. Otherwise, my Dad lives 200 miles away, and we are NC with PIL. Giving birth next spring is going to be interesting!

I agree. Our families are really helpful but don't live nearby. We are forever having to cancel one if our work trips because it clashes with the others urgent / mega important work trip, or come back early from things, or drag kids to things that aren't really appropriate. It would be so nice to have someone to sit with one child while we took the other to an appointment rather than dragging both everywhere. It would be so nice to have someone who could go to the odd kids show where we have both booked work trips before the dates have been announced. It would be so nice to be able to go out to dinner, or the cinema or something low key, as we find we only ask for family help or a babysitter where its unavoidable and therefore we feel we have to have a 'reason'. Saying that, we manage, and we knew that would be the case before we had kids.

You could turn it around and say your life would be easier if you didn't have children too....

This assumes that friends are available (not stay at home parents) and that they can help on practical grounds. I mean, would anyone actually ask another mum to have two under 3s for three hours while you catch up with sleep, when she might have similarly aged children as it is? I wouldn’t.