To think life would be much easier if my family could help?

[wishihadfamilytohelp]

I know I probably am BU, as I’m sure it is not all roses but …

I have friends with similarly aged children who have parents who have the children overnight: they get to sleep through and get a lie in the next day.

They will take a child or even both if parents are under the weather or very busy.

They will have them even for a weekend or longer

i don’t think I would take the piss or anything … but it would make the world of difference I feel and I am very wistful! My parents have died so obviously can’t help! Or AIBU?

Yes I’ve had this in real life several times, last time I asked if they had a ouija board

YANBU I had a lovely relationship with my grandparents because they were so present
in my childhood. DD has the same. I hope that if she wants me to and if she has children I can provide the same.
whose life isn’t easier with loving support?

Not trying to be contrarian, but there are a lot of parents whose life is made much harder because of the OTT expectations their adult children have around being entitled to childcare. It's easy to sit in the position of a parent to young kids and think 'whose life wouldn't be improved by loving support?', it's quite another to be the sixtysomethingyearold caring for elderly parents while being expected to offer sometimes financial support to their adult child and then childcare to grandkids they didn't choose to have, at a time in their life when they've worked for decades and want to start relaxing and enjoying life a little more.

You see it on here all the time, people complaining because their mother doesn't do enough, when it transpires she has the kids a full day every week and an overnight once per month, but it just isn't enough. Interestingly it's never granddad who is criticised for not doing enough childcare. Always the woman.

One of my parents is dead, the other three grandparents don't give any support, and I've always respected and understood that. Frankly, I want my living parent to enjoy what's left of their life, travel around places, do nice things, and relax. Caring for children is hard, exhausting work, and they did their time raising their kids!

It's fine when support is freely given and not expected, and someone is free to withdraw it for any reason. Unfortunately that is often not really the case.

We lived two hours away from both our families and did everything ourselves for six years. Then we moved back and had lots of help and the difference was massive. Although we were happy before we were much happier after. My MIL picked up the children every Friday from school for a sleepover. I will always love her for that!

I absolutely never said that childcare was expected. My mum was the one around because my dad was dead long before I had kids. She adores my DD and also travels the world. So I’m tempted to tell you to stick your assumptions up your arse.
I had child late so some of my peers are now grandparents and they also adore the time they have with DGC. Freely and lovingly given. Clearly a lesson missing somewhere in your life.

I'm on the other side of this. I'm the family help. I'm bloody knackered! There seems to be an assumption of "oh, Hunter hasn't got children, it will be fine". Im feeling immense frustration currently as I haven't been able to stay in bed past 6am in weeks, as my sister keeps asking me to have the children overnight at the weekend and I'm at work from 7am in the week. I need a break!

Definitely not BU. I’m in the privledged position of having both parents and in laws that have provided childcare and adhoc baby sitting in the past. To this day am so grateful for the help. A few years ago I changed my work schedule and between this and WFH, we don’t need any help day to day but they’re always there for a night out or in an emergency and we’d have more offers that we’d ever take them up on

I see friends who aren’t so lucky and it’s got to be hard.

You're being unreasonable in the sense of thinking that everyone else has on tap childcare from family. We had DS in another country to all both our families, so every minute of childcare was paid for from the moment I returned to work, and by the time we returned to our home country, all four grandparents were too infirm to babysit at all, and none of our siblings are able to, for various reasons.

It is what it is. I get that it seems as if other people have it easier. But don't torture yourself by feeling like an anomaly. Virtually no one I know lives anywhere near their family in adulthood. The one time I spent a few years living somewhere where it was the norm, it was a deeply insular village in a 'local village for local people' way.

Parents are 200 miles away and in laws on the other side of the world.

Just had number two and it is hard. We have good friends and neighbours locally who are always willing to help out in emergencies, but they have their own families and lives.

My mum is fantastic and absolutely helps out whenever she can, but there’s a difference between someone helping 10 days a year & every week. Particularly hard when I know my sister & SIL have so much support (kids picked up from school/nursery 2-3 times per week, holiday help, covering illness, sleepovers 2-3 times a month).

We’re knackered and it’s hard, but we make an even better team because of it.

I have help, and I / we are so blinking fortunate, they have made having children a joy rather than a chore.
My parents live miles away so they come and stay once a month for a week at a time.
They do childcare, help around the house, babysit, and I so appreciate them for it (in fact you've just reminded me to send flowers for all the help they gave us last time).
We didn't expect it as some previous posters have said, infact we had many a long conversation in pregnancy about how we'd be doing this on our own and what plans we had in place to make that work.
But they've gone above and beyond and the joy my children bring to my parents is wonderful.
I just wish we'd had them sooner so that the Grandparents would get to enjoy them for longer.

I am friends with three grandmothers who do both school runs, before and after school childcare 5 days per week. Their children tell them that they can't possibly cope without all of the support and they could never afford wrap around care. They often say within my earshot 'parents just can't do it without help nowadays', even though me and many others do exactly that. They are exhausted and are asked to do extra care too to babysit for date nights etc.

There should be a balance. To be honest all I'd want is an evening out with my husband every couple of months.

I thought this was going to be a thread about parents that weren’t interested in helping you!
YABU to think that family could help when they are no longer with you…

You’re not wrong. We get the level of family support you have described and it makes a huge difference, especially to our marriage. We don’t lie in, though. We still wake up at the normal time the toddler would wake us up even when he’s not here 🙄.

Why would you "respect" their choice to opt out of any support to their nearest and dearest? Why does that deserve respect? I don't respect my parents decision to pay no attention to their grandchildren, and never offer any support at all. I don't respect that at all, I think it's an appalling way to behave and I don't understand it at all.
Fine if you've chosen to accept it, as have I, but respect and understand? Never.

We didn’t ever have GPs doing formal childcare, I went part time and we used paid childcare. What we did have was other loving adults DC could spend time with and who really loved to spend time with them.
that was beyond priceless. I’m very grateful we had it. Just because people can do things the hard way doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate that we had it easier.

I didn’t even have DH around for 80+% of the time for DD’s first 18 months.

We have loads of family , my inlaws actually cause work , really and problems. They’ve never given any help and actually sit around while we wait on them, I can’t even imagine doing this when my own kids are older. My parents are elderly now but my mother was absolutely crystal clear she’d never help and never has ,or in fact spends any time with me and my 3dcs.
I have a relative who visits and actually goes out where we live and has never once offered for me and my dh to go out. It’s like a principled thing at this stage , they absolutely will not help . I’ve had bad flus , my dh away and was alone with 3 v small dcs on my own. I had dry socket and had to bring all 3 into the dentist , minor surgery and lots of “get well soon “ messages but no offer of help . It’s extremely weird.
Ive never met anyone else in this situation, whose family are alive but never , ever help.
My kids are older now so thankfully things like sickness is so so much easier to manage. It was extremely difficult to look after 3 dcs when sick when they were small. It is what it is ….
Oh and before people say build your own network , we have fantastic friends, we do car swaps but they all have family help. It would be extremely weird to ask them
to have all three for a night away sooooo we are paying our lovely neighbour 250 quid to go to a wedding …

I don't understand all this NEED for support, I don't mean the odd night's babysitting but expecting full time free childcare, getting your mum round to clean, taking kids at weekends so you can have a lie in, cooking meals etc. How bloody helpless can you be that you need constant help parenting?

Oh, must just not be as amazing as you 😅

Clearly nobody needs it, but it must be nice to have it.

@Thehorseintheswamp that’s not remotely what people are talking about . My friend had to have an urgent scan as was having blurred vision and weakness to her side face. I didn’t hesitate to offer to mind all of her kids , I do it for a stranger 🤷‍♀️
Mine.won’t.help.ever.

No one needs full time childcare but it would have been nice to have someone around who could have looked after my then 2 year old so my husband could have supported me while I was in and out of hospital when pregnant with my second. We didn't have anyone to help so managed it between the two of us but life would have been easier.

Yes we had Covid a couple of years ago. I was so unwell I had order calpol through Uber delivery and shopping to make the order. When I arrived I crawled to the front door. I left the fresh food in the hall and gave the baby calpol. In the evening I ordered a Dominoes and again crawled to the front door and back. My step sister got sick recently and her parents cooked all her meals and did her shopping. You cope because you have to. I’m a really tough person because I have to be.

I had very little help. Luckily my dds were very easy but it would have been fab to have a lie in at the weekends occasionally. I was really jealous of an old friend of mine whose parents had all 3 of her kids overnight twice a week because she 'couldn't cope otherwise'. Well some of us have to, you daft bat. Not bitter at all 🤣

I'm feeling this. When I had dd I expected both sets of grandparents to be really hands on and want to help all the time.
My parents are retired and available if dd is too ill for nursery, but I can tell it's out of obligation rather than want. I pay two days a week childcare when my parents are retired.
Dd isn't the best sleeper and I'm regularly sleep deprived. When I had flu I had no offers of help, and that was coming out the hospital.

The other set of grandparents are always busy. They lead a very busy social life at the weekends, they work during the week.
I'm really disappointed actually. I thought I would have to bat them away.
Dh works away too, I'm regularly burnt out and stressed. I also work.

My friend has such a village of people. Her parents have the baby whilst she works, they have the baby overnight when friend wants to go out on an evening. They are heavily involved.
She is much less frazzled than me, I am a bit envious of her.