Page 4 | To think life would be much easier if my family could help?

wishihadfamilytohelp · 2024-12-05T13:02:43+00:00

I know I probably am BU, as I’m sure it is not all roses but … I have friends with similarly aged children who have parents who have the children overnight: they get to sleep through and get a lie in the next day. They will take a child or even both if parents are under the weather or very busy. They will have them even for a weekend --or longer-- i don’t think I would take the piss or anything … but it would make the world of difference I feel and I am very wistful! My parents have died so obviously can’t help! Or AIBU?

IamnotwhouthinkIam · 05/12/2024 15:14

YANBU. Babies and Pre-schoolers (or older if they don’t sleep through the night or extreme SN) are exhausting if you have them 24/7 (either because you’re a single parent or have a partner who can’t help much). I wouldn’t have survived without my parents help, I don’t blame you at all for being envious of others luck OP - you just have to hope it’ll get easier as your kid/s get older and get to have sleepovers and the like and need much less supervision 🤞

GivingitToGod · 05/12/2024 15:17

redskydarknight · 05/12/2024 13:09

Absolutely true. There is a world of difference between having close (useful) extended family to help out with bits and pieces, as opposed to having to do everything yourself, or use paid childcare.

IME people with useful family often don't realise how much of a difference this does make and how much harder it is for people without.

This entirely++++++++++
Also OP, your situation emphasises the sad loss of your parents .
Take care OP, you have every right to feel as you do

umbrellasusie · 05/12/2024 15:19

Tired887 · 05/12/2024 13:20

Yanbu. I have a 3 month old and need to come to terms with not having another baby ever again as being on my own all day with zero help is killing me. I would give anything for my mum to pop by once in a while for a cup of tea and hold the baby so I can nap or something. As it is, life is utter and complete misery.

Yep. Dh works away and I'm on my own too. It is so hard. Dd regularly catches bugs from nursery which means no sleep and trying to hold down a job. She doesn't sleep till 9 most nights and I get zero time to myself.
It feels like I need to rely on people to have any sort of life for myself. I loved the gym and gave it up because I just can't get the childcare to go. I have family who will watch dd if I need, but nobody is willingly offering to spend time with her. It makes me so sad and lonely.

NewGreenDuck · 05/12/2024 15:19

My parents died long before my kids were born. I was so envious of colleagues who had parents who took the little ones off their hands for the weekend. Being able to have a snooze on a Sunday morning, or some adult time, just an opportunity to relax.
I noticed that those who had that seemed to cope better than those of us who had no one else.

CurlewKate · 05/12/2024 15:21

Absolutely! That's why I find the Mumsnet "my little family" obsession so very odd.....

Laf90 · 05/12/2024 15:21

Yanbu. I am very fortunate that my parents are fantastic grand parents to my 3 children and have them alot including overnight weekend stays and will ask to have them. My husband's parents are not so great and neither have ever had my stepdaughter over night and she is nearly 9 and live in the same town as us. My Nan use to look after me lots when I was younger and I can't imagine not looking after my grand children when I'm older if I'm lucky enough to have any

Wordau · 05/12/2024 15:21

Thehorseintheswamp · 05/12/2024 15:05

I don't understand all this NEED for support, I don't mean the odd night's babysitting but expecting full time free childcare, getting your mum round to clean, taking kids at weekends so you can have a lie in, cooking meals etc. How bloody helpless can you be that you need constant help parenting?

Do some research. Until very recently in our evolution, human parenting was not done in isolation.

Is it possible to do it? Yes. Do you have to press on regardless? Yes. Is it what's best for parents and their children? No, I don't think it is.

GivingitToGod · 05/12/2024 15:22

ElsaLion · 05/12/2024 13:44

YANBU, I can imagine it helps so much. We're expecting DC3 and live a five minute walk from my Mum, who is semi-retired but works from home two days a week (and does a lot of hobbies and volunteering). We have a one day a week arrangement where she takes eldest DC to nursery, which is helpful in many ways, but she no longer has DC2 for the day (meaning she's at home whilst we're both trying to WFH).

In the four years we've lived nearby, she's never offered to have them round for the night, and any time she babysits have to be agreed months in advance, and depends on the children being asleep and unlikely to disturb her (the last time we had an evening out was for our anniversary 7 months ago). Normally she'll also call us mid-date if one of the children wakes up, and insists we return home early, as she refuses to settle them, so that's meant 2-3 nights out have been cut short. Essentially, she will do the bare minimum, so long it is at her convenience, which generally means spending the day on her phone/ipad with the children sat in front of a TV.. I love my Mum, but we no longer depend on her for regular childcare. Otherwise, my Dad lives 200 miles away, and we are NC with PIL. Giving birth next spring is going to be interesting!

I always find it amazing the huge variation in GP's willingness/desire to be integrated/supportive in their GC's lives

CurlewKate · 05/12/2024 15:23

But also, I think parents should help each other more. Once again, the Mumsnet tally keeping/don't let yourself be taken advantage of/cheeky fuckery mentality makes life difficult for it's adherents.

Wordau · 05/12/2024 15:24

umbrellasusie · 05/12/2024 15:13

I'm feeling this. When I had dd I expected both sets of grandparents to be really hands on and want to help all the time.
My parents are retired and available if dd is too ill for nursery, but I can tell it's out of obligation rather than want. I pay two days a week childcare when my parents are retired.
Dd isn't the best sleeper and I'm regularly sleep deprived. When I had flu I had no offers of help, and that was coming out the hospital.

The other set of grandparents are always busy. They lead a very busy social life at the weekends, they work during the week.
I'm really disappointed actually. I thought I would have to bat them away.
Dh works away too, I'm regularly burnt out and stressed. I also work.

My friend has such a village of people. Her parents have the baby whilst she works, they have the baby overnight when friend wants to go out on an evening. They are heavily involved.
She is much less frazzled than me, I am a bit envious of her.

I HEAR YOU.

You're a bloody hero. We all are who do this. Salute especially to lone parents without family support.

Nowherehere1 · 05/12/2024 15:26

My mother actually rang me ( which was surprising in itself tbh ) before I had my 3rd to tell me to make sure I had someone lined up to mind the others when I went into labour , mentioned even putting in an ad as a local older lady might be interested 😂😂😂😂

Christmaseason · 05/12/2024 15:29

Do you have a partner, if you do can’t they look after the DC and you sleep/catch up on things etc? That’s how my DH and I got through the early years.

itsmylife7 · 05/12/2024 15:33

There's been few posts here recently.

AIBU...the inlaws want to have gc overnight or days out......the op thinks its really weird.

Then lots of posters agree its completely unnatural for inlaws to want this.

Then there's Mothers like OP who'd love support and none being offered.

phoenixrosehere · 05/12/2024 15:48

I always think it would be nice to have help once a fortnight but I don’t see it happening unless we pay for it and I’m ok with that.

I’ll admit I hate asking for help when it comes to childcare from family unless someone offers and no one does except my family who are in another country. In-laws, DH has to ask them before they ever offer, except his brother who has offered in the past but now lives in another country.

Plus, I don’t want to get my hopes up because we have been let down before and have also heard complaining about the childcare they do for SIL’s children which is 3-4 times a week for over a decade and still going. I could definitely understand being annoyed by that but better to complain to friends than the adult son whom you never offer.

As much as I would like a bit of help, the only way we would get it is seemingly moving close to where the in-laws live (MIL’s mentioning it over the years) and I’m not willing to uproot our children who are happy and settled, in hopes that they would. Rather pay for it instead, less drama and more reliable that way.

NatMoz · 05/12/2024 15:55

My friend has a 4 week old and a 3 year old (same age as my daughter) and i asked if she fancied meeting up on a Friday (my non working day) and she was getting her nails done and going out with friends!!! Children with the grandmother!

My parents help in emergencies for example earlier in the year when we needed to buy a car and more recently picking DD up from nursery as we wouldn't have got back from a funeral in time.

My husband's dad looked after her when I was bedridden from illness midweek and couldn't lift my head from the pillow.

We did joke that the recent funeral was our 'date day'.

Wexone · 05/12/2024 15:55

ElsaLion · 05/12/2024 13:44

YANBU, I can imagine it helps so much. We're expecting DC3 and live a five minute walk from my Mum, who is semi-retired but works from home two days a week (and does a lot of hobbies and volunteering). We have a one day a week arrangement where she takes eldest DC to nursery, which is helpful in many ways, but she no longer has DC2 for the day (meaning she's at home whilst we're both trying to WFH).

In the four years we've lived nearby, she's never offered to have them round for the night, and any time she babysits have to be agreed months in advance, and depends on the children being asleep and unlikely to disturb her (the last time we had an evening out was for our anniversary 7 months ago). Normally she'll also call us mid-date if one of the children wakes up, and insists we return home early, as she refuses to settle them, so that's meant 2-3 nights out have been cut short. Essentially, she will do the bare minimum, so long it is at her convenience, which generally means spending the day on her phone/ipad with the children sat in front of a TV.. I love my Mum, but we no longer depend on her for regular childcare. Otherwise, my Dad lives 200 miles away, and we are NC with PIL. Giving birth next spring is going to be interesting!

Sorry can you clarify this part ? but she no longer has DC2 for the day (meaning she's at home whilst we're both trying to WFH). Are you minding your child at home while you are working ?

CloudywMeatballs · 05/12/2024 16:01

Well of course it would be nice and make life easier if you had family close by who were able and willing to help on occasion. But you're by no means alone. I'm another one who lives several thousand miles away from family.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 05/12/2024 16:26

Tired887 · 05/12/2024 13:20

Yanbu. I have a 3 month old and need to come to terms with not having another baby ever again as being on my own all day with zero help is killing me. I would give anything for my mum to pop by once in a while for a cup of tea and hold the baby so I can nap or something. As it is, life is utter and complete misery.

I promise it will get easier. My life was also completely miserable when my daughter was 3 months old (and I also decided I was one and done!). She has just turned two and those hellish days are a distant, terrible memory.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 05/12/2024 16:29

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 05/12/2024 14:59

I didn’t even have DH around for 80+% of the time for DD’s first 18 months.

Show quote history

Race to the bottom, anyone?

hazelnutvanillalatte · 05/12/2024 16:38

YANBU, of course help is easier
I'm a single parent without family support so either I do everything or pay upwards of £15ph if I need to go to an appointment and can't take the kids, or have plans for myself (VERY rarely)
It's not good for your mental or physical health to be raising children without a support network. Just because it CAN be done doesn't mean it's good.
I had very bad PPD/PPA and I put it down to stress and the lack of support.

A friend of mine by contrast has a very traditional family and lives in her family home with her husband and children, plus parents and grandparents. There's always someone around if she wants to get her nails done or go for dinner. I think it's much healthier. And it helps women see themselves as still human, not just 'mothers' with no human rights or needs.

creamsnugjumper · 05/12/2024 16:39

I would have been great, but mine are all older now and I'm also just glad I survived, and have made sure when they have children I will do as much as I can.

Westofeasttoday · 05/12/2024 16:40

KiwiLondoner · 05/12/2024 13:07

YANBU for sure. I have zero family support - they all live in New Zealand. I can't even imagine how much easier it would be. I'm so jealous.

100% this. No help at all and it would have been easier. Then again because we didn’t have it I didn’t expect it either….

Tortoise81 · 05/12/2024 16:43

Tired887 · 05/12/2024 13:20

Yanbu. I have a 3 month old and need to come to terms with not having another baby ever again as being on my own all day with zero help is killing me. I would give anything for my mum to pop by once in a while for a cup of tea and hold the baby so I can nap or something. As it is, life is utter and complete misery.

I felt exactly like this for the first year, but then when my baby started sleeping better it got easier and I started to enjoy it. I did go on to have a second and it was much easier the second time round. We had no family support either. I do have a partner, but he was no help with night wake ups or anything like that.

Gamerlady · 05/12/2024 16:52

We've had no family help whatsoever when our children were small . We did it all ourselves. They're now young adults. I envy friends who's parents help out when times are tough. We all need a break at times.

SundayDread · 05/12/2024 16:54

I tried to do the build a village thing from when DD was small. Instead I seemed to become everyone else’s village and the handful of times I asked for help I was turned down.
One of them, I distanced myself from as she was the worse, if I see her she still goes on how it’s not fair her and DH get any time together/go away. But in fact she does, she has a friend without children she just gets to do it.

My SIL tried to force my in-laws to be super involved GPs. They would do babysitting/pick ups at a push. They were very uninvolved parents though, didn’t do days out/museum/cinema visits etc but she thought she could push them into it. In fact her kids refused fairly early on to go to theirs as all they did was put the tv on.