To think life would be much easier if my family could help?

[wishihadfamilytohelp]

I know I probably am BU, as I’m sure it is not all roses but …

I have friends with similarly aged children who have parents who have the children overnight: they get to sleep through and get a lie in the next day.

They will take a child or even both if parents are under the weather or very busy.

They will have them even for a weekend or longer

i don’t think I would take the piss or anything … but it would make the world of difference I feel and I am very wistful! My parents have died so obviously can’t help! Or AIBU?

I could have written this a year ago when my mum died and I had a 4 week old baby with colic. I promise you, it will get better - love from another one and done parent with no help xx

We have no support too. It is hard but i have no complaints. DH parents around but never had them for more than an hour. I don't mind it. Happy in our own little world. I miss my kids when they sleepover at their friends'.

@Babbahabba that's all OP is doing, having a whinge. OP mentions her parents are gone - it's normal to miss your mum when you have your own children. My MIL died last year and she was such a gem. She would have been the perfect grandma.

Honestly, comparison is the thief of joy. I'm a single mum and their dad has our kids EOW which people probably are envious of. but what they don't fully understand is that I have literally no other time and the other 80% of the time is full on, I don't stop between the hours of 7am-10pm. My mum helps me a bit with after school childcare but she is getting older and health problems are coming into the mix so I am also supporting and helping her. So it's a lot. So there's no way I would ask her to have the kids for sleepovers now unless it was an emergency or if I had to do an essential work trip.

I've given up looking at other families thinking oh they have it so much better than me because they have a loving partner and lots of family members. What does irritate me a bit is my best friend has a hands on husband and loads of family help but she really downplays it and puts down her family. I don't get it personally.

Tbh I don't see why those with partners don't divide and conquer a bit more. Not on this thread but lots of people seem obsessed with weekends being solely nuclear family time and won't entertain the idea of catching up with friends or god forbid having time away from their partners. People need to prioritise themselves within a couple and carve out some me time on weekends or spend valuable 1:1 time with individual children if they have more than one. It would make the world of difference to the burnout they feel.

If it helps I have learnt that I have to give myself a break even if it means scrolling Mumsnet for 5 minutes when really what I should be doing is cleaning the bathroom. I wfh half the week now. I have to put my mental health and sleep first because if I don't then no one else will.

It does get better as the kids get older, mine are 9 and 6 now and when they were younger I couldn't wait for them to go to their dads so I couldn't get a break whereas now I don't want them to go. (Obvs I don't stop them)

Something else that made things easier when my ex and I were together is that we'd take turns having lie ins on weekends. It made a big difference

I think we have different experiences. My kid's grandparents do love and occasionally see their grandchild. They just don't provide any sort of childcare, which is absolutely fine.

Why do you think it's fine though? Why do you think occassionally seeing them is good enough? Love doesn't really mean anything if it's only an abstract feeling.

This is so strange to me. Why wouldn't it be fine for my child's relationship to their grandparents to involve seeing them every couple of months, spending a few hours together enjoying one another's company, and that being that?

Do you have the belief that all grandparents owe their children childcare for grandkids? Or that love isn't real unless you've offering a service to go alongside it?

This is such an odd Mumsnet thing. In real life I've never met anyone that kicks up a fuss cos their parents like seeing their grandkids every couple months for a nice few hours together and don't babysit.

Of course it's good enough, it's wonderful. I have a great relationship with my in laws and surviving parent, and consider myself very lucky in that sense :)

I don't think it's an odd mumsnet thing at all. I don't know anyone who is happy with having such superficial relationships. Plenty of us tolerate it as it's better than nothing at all. Relationships should be mutually supportive in my opinion.
(with exceptions for very elderly parents, but then there would hopefully have been a decent supportive relationship in the intermediate decades)

I visited one set of grandparents a few times a year for an afternoon and the other set about every six weeks also for an afternoon. My parents or one parent was always there and I had the most amazing bond and some really memories of my grandparents.

Never had support like that but grandparents all lovely with them and see them regularly.

Had to seperate and do 50/50 to get breaks, I recommend it 😂

I find it quite sad, the idea that a relationship is so conditional. If it doesn't involve actively doing things for one another, that it's superficial. Or the idea that support in a relationship necessarily means practical support rather than emotional. I'm glad the relationships I have in my life have more depth, and that we value and love one another because of who we are, and the relationship we have, and that that isn't dependent on whether one person is doing things for the other. But, each to their own.

Same. I wonder if this is something that boils down quite tightly to individual family culture. I suppose if someone grew up being cared for by their grandparents, seeing them weekly and having sleepovers, they might wrongly assume that is the norm that everyone should adhere to.

i have a friend who went to her grandmothers every weekend growing up as her dad ran a pub and her mum helped on weekends.
Her mum has been very clear that the same would not be happening with friends children. I’d say my friend has been fairly furious about it and thought she would have all her weekends free.

It is difficult but thinking that way is not helping. All ds grandparents died by the age of 2, separated from h when ds was 6 months, he later killed himself, so no support at all. What helped was friendships where we did sleepovers from about the age of 7 and joining the scouts which allowed for frequent camps, giving me some time to myself. We all get dealt cards in life and I am a firm believer in playing them well, so if you and your dc are healthy you are half way there.
( incidentally as I'm pushing 50, my life is easier than many of my peers who had alot of parental support as they are juggling more)

All relationships are conditional. Which other relationships do you have in your life where you don't do things for each other? Friends, colleagues, neighbours - we all do each other favours sometimes. But it's unreasonable to expect the same from grandparents?

We had childcare support from my parents when DD was a baby / toddler but then they moved 150 miles away to retire, and PIL lived abroad. It was a shock when my parents left and having to juggle childcare but you get use to it. Although I am luckier than some, my brother was only 30mins away, so god forbid any emergency he would be there like a shot to provide both practical and financial support, he was a god send after DH died.

Sorry about your parents passing OP.
remember support doesn’t have to mean family. You can build a rapport with a good babysitter.

Please take care of yourself as best you can.
Lonely and exhausting time for you

My heart goes out to you after your painful history

It is tough, my family live on the other side of the world. The in laws will occasionally have them if we visit though. Although, I do see family who have more help and it isn't always smooth sailing. But yes I'd love my mum to be closer and able to pop around.

It's the hypocrisy that gets me as well - no major impact on my life, as I said my family live miles away, but I remember my dad saying when my/my siblings kids were small about how his friends were being asked to do too much childcare and he felt strongly he/they had done their time!

Which is fine in theory - but I remember being at one grandmas one day a week, and the other another day. My parents went on holidays for a week or so at points and we were farmed out to various aunties and grandparents. They were never short family babysitters!

I had one set of grandparents who lived 200 miles away as a child.

DD has one set of grandparents slightly further away who can’t even be arsed to phone or message to ask after her and don’t bother with birthday or Xmas cards (they do for local grandchildren).

The other was 6000 miles away when she was born. They moved 50 miles away when she was about 3 and haven’t provided any regular childcare, but have absolutely had her for fun and connection. We’ve never had any expectation of regular help as it’s just not what we experienced as kids.

It's the hypocrisy that gets me as well - no major impact on my life, as I said my family live miles away, but I remember my dad saying when my/my siblings kids were small about how his friends were being asked to do too much childcare and he felt strongly he/they had done their time!
Which is fine in theory - but I remember being at one grandmas one day a week, and the other another day. My parents went on holidays for a week or so at points and we were farmed out to various aunties and grandparents. They were never short family babysitters!

Yes!

The hypocrisy and selective memory annoys me. I notice some grandparents like to make it out like they didn’t have a support system but they seem to forget that their adult children know and remember that they did and who looked after them for their parents. It’s so weird to me how some seem to blank that out of their memories.

My heart bleeds for your experience