Or is this Santa post unreasonable?

[BusySyllabub]

The author of gentle parenting books Sarah Ockwell Smith posted on Instagram that it’s best to never pretend that Santa is real.

I did some research on this just to be sure and discovered research that indicated that very few children are adversely affected by the Santa myth.

AIBU to think that we are overthinking everything, taking the magic out of childhood, and that educators are now posting nonsense for clicks and engagement?

IMO it’s not the Santa story that’s the problem, it’s all of the associated bullshit about naughty lists and elf based surveillance that ruins it for some kids. Some parents use December as an opportunity to use santa as a threat and it winds me up no end.
If my kid asks questions about it I stick to ‘and what do you think about that?’ And then make non committal noises - I haven’t got the energy to make up elaborate stories to explain the massive inconsistencies. We all play along and it’s fun but I’m not too worried about whether they think it’s ‘real’ or not.

It’s up to each family. Plenty don’t celebrate Christmas at all, I live in an area where the majority don’t celebrate and I have always just told my dc that everyone has different celebrations and beliefs.

I don’t like the self appointed gurus like SOS. I would class as a gentle parent but I was doing it before it had a label and people making money out of it.

Come back and tell us how you feel when your child is two.

I don't mean that in a patronising way. I'd have probably said exactly this before mine were born.

They don't like grottos or seeing Santa, that's never really been part of the 'magic' for us.

I don't even really like the phrase but there is something unbelievably special about tucking in a young child full of an excitement that is somehow different to everything else.

My elder child is at the stage where I don't think he fully believes this year. He's going along with it but suspect he knows. They work it rather than discovering a huge lie.

I think he'll love helping with the little ones next year and that is another form of fun and excitement it will bring.

Not to mention that it's a sure way to make your own child unpopular when they go round telling all their classmates.

It doesn't need to be the full over the top version, but some version is lovely and I do feel you'll be missing out on more than you realise.

Does she feel the same about the toothfairy? and other mythical things we speak to children about. I grew up in Ireland and were told all about the banshee, I believed it existed for years, that frightened the hell out of me so that is definitely not one I have not passed on to my kids.

FWIW I have a colleague who never had Santa, her parents were not from the UK and it wasn't a tradition they grew up with. They are catholic so did celebrate Christmas. She, to this day feels resentment about that and feels she was denied the magical experience of Santa and felt really excluded because of it in school. She has brought Santa to her home with her kids

For the most part kids, when they are at an age to think critically begin to understand that Santa can't possibly be real, no harm or trauma fgs just growing out of a childhood belief along with the toothfairy, easter bunny etc

Why are you being so aggressive??!

I do, I'm have clearly stated that. But you and others are placing insight of an adult onto a child, to maintain your lie .

The responsibility isn't on us or our children.

I read an article by a child psychologist that said the magic isn't about whether Santa is real or not, it's about the imagination and the pretend play they do around it. They made the point of a child's tea party - the child knows there isn't real tea in the teapot and the cups, yet they pour the tea carefully, pretend to stir, take delight in serving out the tea to their stuffed toys, etc. The imagination and creative play is the magic, not believing in the reality. The hanging out the stocking and putting food out for the reindeer is the magic bit, not the outcome.

And just to add ‘the different people believe different things’ cuts both ways. I respect other people’s right to religion (insofar as it doesn’t clash with other values I hold) and wish them to respect my right to have different beliefs. That’s not the same as me pretending to believe in their religion. If a child who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas should keep quiet with a ‘some people believe’ then why isn’t a ‘some people believe’ equally valid for a believing child who encounters non-belief in Santa.

Children under a certain age have magical thinking anyway. Regardless of what you tell them about Santa. For most kids their understanding of Santa changes quite naturally just as they learn as they age that toys don't really possess souls/come to life and that the past can't be changed. Handled sensibly this is a completely normal rite of passage and one that can definitely be deemed a positive rather than a sad loss of innocence.

Personally I don't feel it's necessary to believe to embrace the spirit of Christmas and all its mythology. In fact, not being a believer makes it more special - it's an excuse to indulge in traditions and a sense of magic tbh at the rest of year you may feel 🤮 about!. That's what I've passed on to my now adult DC who also seem to love it despite no longer believing in Santa.

I always saw the Tooth Fairy story as useful, as it helps a child not to be upset about losing a tooth because there’s a benefit to it. Some kids are freaked out by losing teeth.
We always just had stockings from Santa, and did the same with our DC. Presents were always from who gave them. We also included the story of St Nicholas, plus stories of what happens in other European countries, so there was an understanding of a bigger picture but still magic. Parents worry about spoiling the magic for children, but that doesn’t mean you have to force the magic on them either.

I was one of the few children who really did feel hurt when I found out the truth! I remember it vividly...I was 11, in year 6, and was arguing in the playground that he was definitely real because my mum wouldn't lie to me! I remember I got home and asked my mum and she still fudged it but I could tell from the look on her face. I was distraught! Probably unusual but I was a very well behaved first born and I remember feeling g so shocked my mom would lie to me.
As a result, we did Santa in a really light touch way and as soon as my kids asked me straight out (around the age of 6 for all of them) I told the truth, that it's a nice story that some like to believe in, but he's not a real person. They're all very logical, bright kids and I never would have felt comfortable telling elaborate lies to properly convince them of something that's not true. We still have lovely christmases!
These days, I think kids are so much more worldly wise than I ever was, it's a wonder the myth keeps going at all!

If being "lied to about Santa" is the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to you, it's a charmed life you've lead indeed.

It doesn't need to be the full over the top version, but some version is lovely and I do feel you'll be missing out on more than you realise

Or maybe everyone should just be left to "do"
Christmas in whatever way suits them best, and adults should be able to accept that their "way" isn't inherently better or more magical than someone else's 🤷‍♀️

I have nothing but amazing memories of Christmas growing up even though I never believed in Father Christmas. There's really no need to go round and tell people that they're missing out because they've chosen to do something differently.

Wet parenting.. No wonder schools are in the parlous state they are in.
Smacking is obviously a no no, but Gentle parenting will be consigned to the bin when some new fad comes along.

Saying you don't want to be patronising and then being patronising! So if we don't do the lie children miss out 🤦‍♀️

Honestly, the adults being dicks to children who tell the truth really need to step up their maturity.

The fact as adults they do not see the child telling the truth as being a positive thing that protects children from predator adults telling other lies is what really baffles me.

Honestly how they square that circle is beyond belief. Here kid here's a lie that's not good but here's one that is.

To a child of 5, 6, years old without adult insight, absolutely ridiculous. And then trying to place the responsibility on the adults who don't lie 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️😂

We've never claimed he's real, but we also haven't spelled it out to dcs that he isn't real. If they start to take anything too seriously like the naughty list or whatever I say "it's just a bit of fun". Which it is.

We're Christians as well, and dcs go to Catholic school, so we do try to explain St Nicholas and what he is the patron saint of.

''I had a breakdown when I realised that Father Christmas, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy weren't real''

Meanwhile in Gaza.......

That's not what I said, is it? You're misrepresentating what I did say to be something you want to argue about and so you can say the word lie a lot. I have no interest in what other people tell their children about santa. I do have interest when they malign other parents to children too young not to repeat them and tell them those children their parents are 'wrong to lie'. It's perfectly obvious from the fact I suggested alternative wording which part of the thing I'm objecting to.

I think this is a classic lesson for all parents. You are the parent not a 'parenting expert' who is profitting from their opinion, not a book or a parenting fad designed by said 'experts' (and I say this as somebody who actually likes and follows the principles of gentle parenting) it probably depends on the individual child. You should really know whether a little white lie is ultimately going to upset your child or whether it's just bringing a little bit of joy to their very short childhood as intended.

My opinion FWIW is that there's no harm in creating a bit of pretend magic. However, if my child explicitly asked for the truth I would give it to them. My dd is 6 and I think she knows the truth deep down but we're both happy to pretend for a bit longer for now and this is fine and healthy. I will stop pretending when I stop seeing the sheer delight on her face when santa has left her gifts or her elf has moved again

Belief in Father Christnas is tied up with childhood innocence, which explains why some parents get upset when a child stops believing. It's a sign they are growing up. I don't think Christmas is quite the same once children stop believing. I remember feeling very bereft when I worked out Father Christmas and fairies didn't exist all on the same day, at about age 10. I never explicitly had a conversation with ds about it (young adult now) he just worked it out i think and questioned me maybe once, if at all. Neither of us feel lied to. Terming it as lying is ridiculous. I wouldn't have traded my own or ds's childhood Christmases for anything. It's a lovely, relatively short period of childhood to enjoy.

Quite. Tbh, if finding out you were lied to about Santa causes any sort of issue, then I'd assume there's something deeper going on that needs addressed.

I don't know - I'd argue the average child is more excited by Santa than a toy tea party? Even though both are of course good.

Certainly myself, I believed in fairies as s child, as much as I believed in the nose on my face, and it did really feel amazing and special. I miss that feeling! Though am glad I was able to have it, at least for a while.

Maybe that's not everyone's experience though 🤷‍♀️

PS the author of this article needs to watch miracle on 34th street and get herself an I believe badge 🤣

Yeah it's bullshit, kids know it's just some magic and fantasy the parents are making for them. Not some awful lie. Sounds like something the eternally offended brigade have conjured up.

^THIS!