Or is this Santa post unreasonable?

[BusySyllabub]

The author of gentle parenting books Sarah Ockwell Smith posted on Instagram that it’s best to never pretend that Santa is real.

I did some research on this just to be sure and discovered research that indicated that very few children are adversely affected by the Santa myth.

AIBU to think that we are overthinking everything, taking the magic out of childhood, and that educators are now posting nonsense for clicks and engagement?

but I find it over the top for a parenting expert to suggest we should go out of our way to tell children he’s not real.

But children only think he is real because their parents tell them he is. They aren't born believing in Santa or Jesus or the Easter Bunny. At some point they will find out it was all a lie.

Anyway, you don't have to agree with her. It's just her opinion.

I remember by 5 I didn’t “believe” in Santa but I definitely believed in fairies at the bottom of my garden

I didn't believe in Santa from 4 or 5 (I don't actually remember ever really believing, though my parents did "do" Santa), but I believed King Authur was asleep in a cave and would wake up and come back one day until I was about 9 or 10!

I find SOS seems to have a bizarre mix of saying that you mustn't expect too much of children (she's always on about lowering expectations) but then also almost treating them as adults in other ways (e.g. this, or expecting them to self regulate with food).

Personally I'll talk about Santa but stop short of actually saying he's real. But I don't think it's wrong if you do go down that road - most people do and their kids seem well adjusted!

I think a bit of 'magic' is fine, my Dad told us all kinds of stories that were part of our cultural heritage and we loved them, even though I have no memory of ever believing them.

I think some adults want children to keep believing longer than they actually do and put a lot of effort into maintaining the myth and that's problematic. It's easy enough to not lie to them beyond 'lets put out stockings for Santa to fill with presents' and let the rest of the world do all the myth building at Christmas. And if they ask say 'what do you think?' and let them work it out for themselves. No trauma involved.

A friend's little girl was utterly traumatised by the lie..... And gave her parents a really tough time about it!
That was 20+ years ago. She has just told her own three year old that Santa is "just a story". Hoping the kid doesn't ruin all her little friends' parents' Christmases.

OP when they ask you don't need to lie or reveal all. Ask them what they think and why, then ask their reasoning/explanation eg "So how do you think the stocking gets filled?" or "what happened to the mince pie and carrot then?". I admit I did throw DD1 off the scent for a while when she declared the answers to both examples were me: I said that the stocking was empty when I came to bed and reminded her that I don't like mince pies (both true! These jobs fall to DH who goes to bed later)... But she worked it out in the end and felt very pleased with herself for doing so. 8yo DD2 is a hard believer still, I suspect partly from choice of not wanting to think anything else going on as she loves of all things fantastical, but she'll get there when she's ready.

I think like most things, extremes never tend to be the answer, so neither the approach of Santa always openly being discussed as made up or all out with fake dropped driving licences and photoshopped photos is the way to go IMO. I felt uncomfortable lying about it too but equally didn't want to rob DCs of a bit of fun and magic and I don't feel harmed by experiencing it myself.
As a result, it has always been a small part of Christmas for us: FC brings small stockings only, we never made a big deal out of explaining it (society did that for us!), it just 'is', and on the very rare occasion we've done a FC visit (3-odd times to the one at the school fair), we've always been clear they are seeing a man playing a part. They don't/won't stop getting a stocking once they've worked it out either, so what's there to be disappointed about?

I think if Sarah believes the trust her children have in her will be damaged by the participation in a centuries old tradition in which much of the world joins in in one form or another, she probably needs to reflect on why that trust is so fragile in the first place. But no. Instead let's use the most emotive language we can find 'lies' and 'betrayal' to veil the fact that this is just another opinion with no substantiating evidence dressed up as 'science'.

Yeah I only have good memories of figuring it out.

I came from a big family with a ton of cousins while being one of the youngest by almost a decade so all the aunts/uncles and adult cousins would get me a little gift each. I'd spend the day at home with my parents opening gifts "from santa" then boxing day visiting family and getting lots of extra gifts all through the day.

One year I asked my parents why everyone in the family got me presents for xmas and we bought them gifts, but my parents never got me anything.

The next year half the presents under the tree were labeled "from mum and dad" and half "from santa". Little me looked at the pile for a while and asked "mummy - why do you and santa have the same handwriting"

Having your Christmas ruined by your child’s friend telling the truth about Santa probably means that your Christmas wasn’t that good to start with. There’s many reasons that children don’t believe in Father Christmas.

I don’t feel it’s responsible for someone who posits themselves as a parenting expert to share an opinion as if it’s fact, when the actual research points to the opposite being true.

When my DC’s were teenagers someone at work was spouting these views, so I went home and asked teenagers what they thought about us ‘lying’ to them when they were younger.
They thought it was absolutely hilarious. Apparently they kept up the pretence that they believed in Santa for several years as the best way to get more presents.

I think Santa's lovely as a fun make-believe game. What I don't get is the dogma of 'the magic' and the insistence that this can only be created and preserved by actual, literal belief in Santa and that it dies when that belief isn't present. It makes something that's supposed to be beautiful and fun ridiculously high-stakes.

I feel like she's gone off the rails a bit recently. Her work around sleep especially really spoke to me when I had tiny babies but her pre teen stuff is like living in another world.

I feel like a lot of it expects mothers to be doing 100 per cent of the parenting and also doesn't really factor in FT working mums.

It's basically unrealistic aspirational parenting now, rather than helping struggling parents feel heard and supporting them. I guess there's much more money in that. Aspiration sells.

Hoping the kid doesn't ruin all her little friends' parents' Christmases.

I find it interesting that you're talking about the parents' Christmases being ruined here. Because this is what the intense investment in 'the magic' seems to be about, to me - the parents. Children, by and large, can happily suspend disbelief at will. They can know Santa is make-believe but fully enter into the spirit of it.

I’ve read her post and I don’t really get it (maybe I’m tired) as really what’s the difference between “embracing the myth” and telling them he’s real? How did she both embrace the myth and answer their questions? I’ve never used the words he’s real and I intend when they start questioning it to say that if you don’t believe he doesn’t bring presents - does that count as embracing the myth or saying he’s real?

My mum never told me Santa was real so I never believed but I had the most magical, fantastic Christmas’. I’m still a huge Xmas fan and would put decs up in August if I could. I don’t think I could’ve loved it more than I did. My 5 yo does believe however because DH thought it would be nice.

Yes but also no wars have been started by believing in the big red guy.

😆

I intend when they start questioning it to say that if you don’t believe he doesn’t bring presents - does that count as embracing the myth or saying he’s real?

It counts as bordering on emotional blackmail, in my book, especially if you have a child who's likely to take that sort of pronouncement seriously.

It’s the difference between playing it as a game where everyone knows he’s not real vs wanting your children to have literal belief he’s real. My siblings and I are all in our thirties and still get a stocking, and we all shout down my dad when he says ‘ooh, where did you get XYZ Jane’ to my dad because clearly the stocking gifts are from Father Christmas! But no-one has had any kind of literal belief for about 25 years. The whole ‘if you don’t believe, you don’t get any presents’ just seems a way for parents to be able to get their children to play along for a few extra years for the parents’ benefits regardless of what the kids are thinking about it. I don’t think it’s harmful though, and lots of children are told similar.

Yes it’s a little vague, but she reiterates in comments that parents are deceiving their children.

My guess is that because of her work she has encountered an unusually high proportion of children who are upset about Santa not being real… when in reality it’s a very rare issue.

I just find it an over the top thing to focus on when so many parents are struggling with bigger problems like health, finances, etc.

I never believed in Father Christmas but that didn't mean there was no magic. We still left a mince pie, sherry and a carrot. We still did stockings. I still couldn't wait to get up and open presents.

If you need a mythical fat man to make your day special then I think something's going a bit wrong, tbh.

To this day my mother refuses to admit Father Christmas isn’t real, so that’s one way of solving the problem. She still stopped doing stockings when we were early teens “because I can’t be bothered”. OK, then, if you’re doing it does that mean there’s no Father Christmas? “Oh, no, of course he’s real” – in the most arch workyticket voice imaginable. Infuriating! But hilarious.

Anyway I think you’d have to be predisposed to being a bit barking to be traumatised by this. Equally I think it’s barking to go all-out with faking him, doing elf on the shelf, etc. Just sort a stocking and that’s that. Don’t pretend stuff under the tree is from him either, which I always think is a bit shit - you’ve done all the effort of choosing, buying, wrapping to give the credit to a made-up man? Why?

We also refuse to play the “naughty or nice” game, saying in our house, Father Christmas comes along regardless, he doesn’t really keep a list, that’s just something some grownups say to stop their goblins drawing on the furniture.

I fully subscribed to SOS’s gentle sleep bollocks with my firstborn and had horrendous sleep-deprivation PND. Second child I saw through her guff and we’re all a lot happier. I don’t think she likes women, really. If she did she’d help us sleep.

I don’t think it’s a question of “needing it” so much as the myth already exists, and it can be fun for children.

I have a friend who talks along those lines. All well and good until her pursed lipped 5 year old at a christmas party for other 5 years old drew himself up and said disapprovingly; 'My mum says Santa isn't real and it is wrong for mummies and daddies to lie to children'.

I'll leave it to you to imagine how that went down with about 30 5 year olds and their parents in real time.

I think if a child is old enough to ask a question they are old enough to deserve an honest answer. So, although, I would start with the Santa Father Christmas story I wouldn't continue once the child starts querying it themselves. The 'magic' can still continue knowing it's make believe.