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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it chasing if I always text first ?

27 replies

CleverOpalPanda · 04/12/2024 18:14

Met a guy ,at first he would message me constantly until I started showing interest.He didn’t speak to me for a week and I texted him ,since then it is me texting first apart from a few occasions he has called me after texting him.Is he comfortable now and taking me for granted ?he might think it’s ok as I haven’t complained due to it being still quite casual and not a relationship but it bothers me.haven’t said anything as I don’t want to seem bothered or clingy.Generally I text once every 5 days or so and he responds.I really like him and don’t know how to let go and I certainly don’t want to play games but don’t want to be taken for granted either.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 04/12/2024 18:22

Well texting constantly is draining and unsustainable......but never contacting you is very shit. Sorry OP, he doesn't seem interested and there's nothing you can do to force it by complaining. Personally, I would stop contacting him.

PenelopeSkye · 04/12/2024 18:24

I’m not one for very frequent texting, but I think in the early stages when everything should be exciting, only texting every 5 days doesn’t show all the much interest. Sorry OP. Have you been on many dates?

TwistedWonder · 04/12/2024 18:24

How many times have you been on dates with this guy?

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 04/12/2024 18:25

@PenelopeSkye
2 but we have tried meeting more and circumstances haven’t allowed us ,he had some major family problems and I was abroad several times as well.

OP posts:
PrincessAnne4Eva · 04/12/2024 18:25

It sounds like he's trying to do a slow fade. I don't think he's that into you. Sorry.

MistyFrequencies · 04/12/2024 18:25

Hes not that into you.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 04/12/2024 18:26

@PrincessAnne4Eva
i actually asked him once and he got upset saying he hasn’t expressed any annoyance by us talking ,he is currently grieving his mom I need to add

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 04/12/2024 18:27

If he really likes you he will make the effort to contact you.
If you are always the one to text first, yes you are chasing him.

PrincessAnne4Eva · 04/12/2024 18:32

Yeah... you don't call them out on doing a slow fade, they'll get defensive because they're scared of confrontation which is why they can't just end it. You just leave them to it.

Gently, how much do you actually know about all this family stuff that's going on? Is it all coming from him? Because I'm not sure I'd necessarily believe him over the more likely scenario that he's met someone else and is keeping you on the backburner in case it doesn't work out. And if it is true, is he in a place where he's ready for a relationship to go anywhere? I was poleaxed when my parents died suddenly in my twenties and I wouldn't have been fit for starting a relationship for a very long time afterwards if I wasn't already married.

Psychoticbreak · 04/12/2024 18:34

Takes seconds to text a person especially if you like them. As they say, if he wanted to he would. I would leave it personally. Done it myself recently and it did not do good things for my self esteem.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 04/12/2024 18:37

@PrincessAnne4Eva
the day I told him I had texted him good morning and he called me ,I didn’t see the call so called later ,he said he is gone call as soon as he is free.I waited a few hours and asked him if he wants to stop this and this is his way of showing me ?he got upset by this.He said his mum died and I can’t think who would lie about this ,she was sick for weeks and he had talked in the past how he is very close to her.I think I became inpatient and that turned him a bit off

OP posts:
MumOfOneAllAlone · 04/12/2024 18:38

Sorry girl, I think if you’re having to text first this many times, it’s not a good sign

RubyRedBow · 04/12/2024 18:38

He’s not interested. A man who is will go out of his way to text.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 04/12/2024 18:39

@MumOfOneAllAlone i have decided to not text anymore and see if he will ,so far I haven’t stayed away for more than 5 days and want to see if in 2 weeks he will text or not after that maybe it’s best to block and forget.

OP posts:
RubyRedBow · 04/12/2024 18:42

CleverOpalPanda · 04/12/2024 18:37

@PrincessAnne4Eva
the day I told him I had texted him good morning and he called me ,I didn’t see the call so called later ,he said he is gone call as soon as he is free.I waited a few hours and asked him if he wants to stop this and this is his way of showing me ?he got upset by this.He said his mum died and I can’t think who would lie about this ,she was sick for weeks and he had talked in the past how he is very close to her.I think I became inpatient and that turned him a bit off

He’s grieving his mums death and you’re making it about how much or little he calls you back. He won’t be interested in anyone doing this.

Most people would have said ‘I’m sorry for your loss. I’m here if you need me’ and given him the
space he obviously wants.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 04/12/2024 18:46

@RubyRedBow
i regretted as soon as I sent it and I wasn’t thinking ,some part of me was thinking he is lying to get rid of me or smth but who lies about such a thing ?I was lied a lot by a previous person and I got in my head and it was selfish I know

OP posts:
MumOfOneAllAlone · 04/12/2024 18:49

CleverOpalPanda · 04/12/2024 18:39

@MumOfOneAllAlone i have decided to not text anymore and see if he will ,so far I haven’t stayed away for more than 5 days and want to see if in 2 weeks he will text or not after that maybe it’s best to block and forget.

i just saw your update saying that his mum died. I think it’s definitely best to leave it for a bit and see what happens but I wouldn’t take it personally given what he’s going through x

stripeyshutters · 04/12/2024 18:52

You see this " I texted him good morning " - it's too much for some people! He doesn't sound interested sorry.

Tuhlula · 04/12/2024 19:28

Let him grieve his mum. It's not the right time for him to be persuing a relationship now. If it's meant to be he will reach out, if and when he is ready. I wouldn't want to start a relationship with someone right as they have lost their mum as I wouldn't trust their feelings for me.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 09/12/2024 05:24

Update :I texted him a week ago and he replied after watching my story.
Replies were cold and Formal and he hasn't texted first since then.yestrday he liked my story and uploaded a new picture of him in a sort of club.In our culture we don't listen to music for 40 days after someone has passed and it seems he was lying to me the whole time as I was suspecting .I think of calling him and seeing what he will say as I am done playing cool when in fact I am considering this behaviour quite disrespectful specially after having sex with him.
I know most people leave the ghoster alone but I don't like the idea of someone thinking I am OK with smash and dash and this disrespectful behaviour.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 09/12/2024 08:09

I thought that you were going to wait 2 weeks? STOP. CONTACTING. HIM.

PrincessAnne4Eva · 09/12/2024 08:26

CleverOpalPanda · 09/12/2024 05:24

Update :I texted him a week ago and he replied after watching my story.
Replies were cold and Formal and he hasn't texted first since then.yestrday he liked my story and uploaded a new picture of him in a sort of club.In our culture we don't listen to music for 40 days after someone has passed and it seems he was lying to me the whole time as I was suspecting .I think of calling him and seeing what he will say as I am done playing cool when in fact I am considering this behaviour quite disrespectful specially after having sex with him.
I know most people leave the ghoster alone but I don't like the idea of someone thinking I am OK with smash and dash and this disrespectful behaviour.

Yeah I thought so. Don't contact him, just dump him. If you tell him what you really think, it'll get twisted around into a "my crazy ex" story for later, which will help him string another girl along.

Just ghost the ghoster then you're in control and he can't twist it into anything. If you absolutely must contact him, just send one final text saying "You're dumped" then block everywhere but I don't send final messages because a lot of men's egos demand that they have the last word so then you get them trying to contact you on random sites like LinkedIn when you least expect it.

You don't owe him an explanation or a minute more of your time, save it for finding Mr. Right who is out there waiting to hear from you somewhere.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 09/12/2024 09:15

@PrincessAnne4Eva
I was thinking of just contacting and acting like I don't know anything just to see with what more lies he can come up with then let him know.

OP posts:
PrincessAnne4Eva · 09/12/2024 09:20

I wouldn't bother. Spend your energy looking for someone amazing who respects you and cares about you.

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2024 09:38

CleverOpalPanda · 09/12/2024 09:15

@PrincessAnne4Eva
I was thinking of just contacting and acting like I don't know anything just to see with what more lies he can come up with then let him know.

Why waste time playing silly games with a man who has shown you he’s not interested. It’s not worth the head space