AIBU to be mildly irritated at this situation on Christmas Eve?

[FoxyArsedCountryPissWhore]

I have two kids under 3. My family generally have a family get together on Christmas Eve, they live 90 minutes drive away. This year, instead of holding it at relative A’s (clean, spacious) home, they want it held at relative B’s home. Relative B is elderly, lives alone, has dementia, but absolutely could and would attend the get together at relative A’s house, were it held there. Relative B struggles hugely to manage a house and really frankly cannot really care for themselves and needs much more support. This has been much discussed within the family and I’ve mentioned this repeatedly with no action. I’m too far removed both physically and in terms of familial relationship to relative B to support
myself.

Relative A would like to host but the rest of the family are insisting it be at B’s house. There are two things that mean that taking my kids will be tricky: B’s house is filthy, like health hazard filthy, and the timing of the get together, late on Christmas Eve. It’s an awkward time for both kids, they’ll be tired and the oldest will be very excitable and probably a bit silly as 3 year olds are often on Christmas Eve, and baby will fuss for a nap. I have asked if the time could be moved to better accommodate the children, but no. B’s house is so dirty that I couldn’t even put baby down anywhere. I can see this event being nothing but stressful if I’m honest.

I’m feeling a little pressured as if I’m being the bad guy by saying we’ll do our own thing on Christmas Eve.

Two AIBUs really:

AIBU not to go?

AIBU to be a bit irritated at the rest of the family’s lack of flexibility in insisting it’s at B’s house?

However lovely B's house was I wouldn't be carting 2 toddlers on a 3 hour return trip on Christmas Eve.

AIBU not to go?
No, it sounds perfectly reasonable to refuse to go to a place that is a health hazard. It's also perfectly reasonable to decide for yourself how you and your young children spend Christmas Eve.

AIBU to be a bit irritated at the rest of the family’s lack of flexibility in insisting it’s at B’s house?
Maybe - it depends on B's desire to hold a get together at their place, whether they have the capacity to choose to do it. If B wants to host a get together and other people want to attend, that's their right. Just as you are free to chose how you spend Christmas Eve with your children.

Just say sorry doesn't work for me at Bs. The kids bedtime and our Christmas rituals for Santa etc. No mention of the hygiene obviously .
Hope you guys have a great time and let's meet up on x date.
No guilt. No excuses.
See what they come up with for next year but stick firm. People have to learn to be flexible. I wouldn't put my family into such a tricky situation especially how you describe it. Ridiculous when good alternatives available.

Why are they so fixated on B's house? If there is a good reason for it maybe I'd make the effort but it doesn't sound like there is. If they've changed things just because thenI think you wouldn't be unreasonable to say it doesn't work for you and have Christmas Eve at home.

I’m not sure I’d be doing a 3hr round trip late on Christmas Eve with two little ones. I would during the day into the early evening but would want to kids in bed at a roughly normal time.

I’m struggling to imagine a house that’s so dirty you can’t put a baby down but that your family think is acceptable for a party. Are they just not aware of the condition of the place? What do they say when you mention this to them?

No way would I be doing that in a filthy house.

3yr olds need to be in their own house from about 5pm Christmas Eve, to hang up stockings, leave out carrots/mince pies, whatever your traditions are. I'd just explain the DC are too little to be out and about in the evening but you hope they have a lovely time.

I can see why you don't want to go to Relative B's house. However, I think you're being unreasonable to think Relative A should host just because you don't want to go to Relative B's. You're not somehow entitled to Christmas Eve at Relative A's house just because you prefer it to Relative B's.

If you live 90 minutes away and have no intention of hosting anything yourself, then you can't reasonably kick off because Relative A doesn't fancy hosting this year. If you don't want to go to Relative B's, just say you think your small kids would struggle with it and explain that's why you're giving it a miss this year.

Thank you for all responses. I’ve read them all and they’re helpful.

I might visit A and B earlier in the day and drop off gifts, use DC as the perfect excuse and leave at 3pm before it all starts.

Equally, as we are told that Relative A would like to host, the rest of the family is BU in insisting on holding it at an unsuitable venue in the home of someone who can’t cope.

Don't go - it sounds stressful and unnecessary

I agree with the poster who said 3 year olds should be home on Christmas Eve - they are so excited and it's lovely to hang up stockings and put out a mince pie and carrots for Santa and Rudolph!

Yanbu. Do your own thing on Christmas Eve back at home. You don't want to be in the car that day if you don't have to be.

Remember that Christmas is a 12 day festival that lasts until 12th night - see them later on.

I'm sorry but that doesn't work for the kids. Repeat.

Maybe if they all go to B’s house for Christmas it will be more obvious to them that B can’t cope - which may be a plus for B and for you! You are not unreasonable not to go, though

id just flip the risk of offending and suggest family christms clean up-pre gathering. how awful are they expect a knees up in squalor. failing that simple-sorry,we wont make it

Erm, it sounds like they don't really want you to go...

You are not being unreasonable to not go. It doesn’t sound fun taking young children a long distance to an unsuitable environment at the wrong time of day for them.

You would be being unreasonable to make this about your needs and comfort though when it sounds like your family members have your elderly relative with dementias best interests at heart.

Dementia can be brutal on the care givers involved so have a bit of grace for them. Sounds like they’re just trying to balance everything and may not be able to prioritise your preferences this year!

Well… there’s plenty of nasty bugs around and young children catch so many of them…. What a shame you won’t be able to make it this year due to illness. Maybe a FaceTime if they go ahead at person Bs house, to say hello to everyone?

But who is 'everyone' that wants it at B's house? It's not you and its not A.
What does B think ?

Is this an aged granny who's always hosted, and insists they can still?

Sounds revolting and quite unsuitable in every possible way. Why on earth are they all insisting on this? I certainly wouldn't want to eat anything in B's house. Tell them to get stuffed, in the nicest possible way.

I accidentally clicked YABU, you're definitely not BU. Invitations are not a summons and especially if it'll potentially impact Christmas Day.

That’s my interpretation if I’m honest. My view is that if they were really keen that we attend, they’d make it possible.

Can you not just go to As house?

No. I wouldn't take my DS as a toddler on a 3 hour return trip even if the house was spotless. We used to do dinner with family and home to have a bath and watch a movie by 7.