AIBU to be mildly irritated at this situation on Christmas Eve?

[FoxyArsedCountryPissWhore]

I have two kids under 3. My family generally have a family get together on Christmas Eve, they live 90 minutes drive away. This year, instead of holding it at relative A’s (clean, spacious) home, they want it held at relative B’s home. Relative B is elderly, lives alone, has dementia, but absolutely could and would attend the get together at relative A’s house, were it held there. Relative B struggles hugely to manage a house and really frankly cannot really care for themselves and needs much more support. This has been much discussed within the family and I’ve mentioned this repeatedly with no action. I’m too far removed both physically and in terms of familial relationship to relative B to support
myself.

Relative A would like to host but the rest of the family are insisting it be at B’s house. There are two things that mean that taking my kids will be tricky: B’s house is filthy, like health hazard filthy, and the timing of the get together, late on Christmas Eve. It’s an awkward time for both kids, they’ll be tired and the oldest will be very excitable and probably a bit silly as 3 year olds are often on Christmas Eve, and baby will fuss for a nap. I have asked if the time could be moved to better accommodate the children, but no. B’s house is so dirty that I couldn’t even put baby down anywhere. I can see this event being nothing but stressful if I’m honest.

I’m feeling a little pressured as if I’m being the bad guy by saying we’ll do our own thing on Christmas Eve.

Two AIBUs really:

AIBU not to go?

AIBU to be a bit irritated at the rest of the family’s lack of flexibility in insisting it’s at B’s house?

I agree with everyone saying just don't go. Stay home with your little ones and enjoy it.

"Sorry if it's going to be at a late time and at B's house, we won't be able to attend. The timing would mess up our kids schedules too much and the house is not even clean enough for me to put my little ones down. It doesn't work for us this year but have a good time and we will maybe see about attending next year depending on what plans are in place"

Better to be honest and just tell them why.

It sounds like someone has selfishly decided how they want everyone to spend Christmas doing what they want regardless of whether it’s the right thing to do or what B wants.

I can’t imagine someone with dementia coping well with a house full.

I would imagine my child has a nasty sickness bug on that day ……

failing that what about taking a travel cot with you 🤷‍♀️ and use it like a playpen , say you didn’t want the kids breaking anything and put a load of toys in ? Then it could be moved to another room for a nap later and you know it would be clean 🤷‍♀️

You and A do your own thing.

It does sound inappropriate and unsuitable (timewise) for your young dc.

So just say that and stay at home, enjoy yourself with DC.

YANBU to skip anything tricky with kids that age. If I were you, I would call B to find out if they really want to host. If yes, then polite apologies that it's too much for the 3 of you this year, especially with all the annoying childproofing needed. If no, then offer to be the "bad guy" saying it needs to be at A's house this year to allow the kids to be put down for a sleep. Between you, A and B, you can work out moving this regardless of what anyone else wants.

Have a happy christmas either way!

Just don't go, I wouldn't in this situation

I can see you have decided not to go which is very sensible. But I don't think you should necessarily feel that they don't want you and that's why they are not accommodating your needs. Dealing with a close relative with dementia puts huge demands on the immediate family.

It could be that the B's children have seen such a deterioration that they are aware that this is likely to be her last Christmas in her home and they want to have the memory of everyone being around her. That doesn't mean it is your responsibility to enable it.

You should feel free to stay at home with your children and give them a lovely cosy evening even though you may be sad to be missing the party as it used to be. Sounds like it is time to start your own traditions. Something I never had the chance to do with my children as I was too tied up caring for elderly relatives.

If people who know person B better are facilitating it at Bs house there maybe a reason for it that you are unaware of.

that doesn’t mean you need to attend, but just because it doesn’t suit you doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t happen there.

I can’t imagine many of the family would prefer it in an sanitary house hosted by someone with dementia, but if they are opting to go it’s probably because they understand why this is the best option for this year.

it still doesn’t mean you need to attend.

This. Don't get into the stuff about the venue, just say it's not doable for you on Christmas Eve this year.

Just be very neutral. Something along the lines of "thank you for suggested Christmas Eve plans, it won't really work for us this year with the little ones, so we're looking forward to seeing you on.... " perhaps with a suggestion of when you can exchange any presents that need sorting.

It's ok for some Christmas plans not to involve absolutely everything, some things are less suitable for very small children and thats ok. You can have a lovely evening at home with your little family uni and catch up with family as and when.

I would go but I don't see 90 minutes as a long journey or why stockings etc can't be done before leaving. I'd stay till bedtime, get changed there then get children to sleep on way home and transfer. Assuming they will, if they don't transfer easily that's a different scenario.

Thats not exactly a lovely family Christmas Eve, is it?? I’m very pleased the OP has decided not to go

but I don't see 90 minutes as a long journey

@DappledThings it is on Christmas Eve when half the country will be on the roads.

I think it is. Hanging out with family, some food, excitement of doing pyjamas then getting in the car. Maybe my kids are weird, they always ask when they can next do car bedtime!

Just tell them you’ll visit A earlier in the day but Bs will be too late and too difficult to manage with the kids.

Erm hell no!
For what reason would you even think twice about not going?
Your family will get over it, it's pretty clear it's going to be the shittest Christmas eve ever and probably ruin Xmas day because the kids will be rushed to bed, and tired and cranky on Xmas day morning.
Nope!

The traffic is diré Xmas eve better off at home.
As for the dirty house wouldn't want that at any time.

This ⬆️ My Aunt and cousins were always trying to make my Nan participate in 3 day long get togethers which she simply didn't want- no matter how well intentioned.

I couldn't be doing with that these days.

Even when we were young it was accepted that grandparents, great aunts enjoyed lunch, a cup of tea, piece of cake and homeward bound .

Forced jollities are exhausting.

With 2 kids of this age you are are entitled to do your own thing. Christmas can be stressful enough. Maybe plan to take your elderly relative out for lunch after Christmas, so they get to see your kids.

Stay home . Make your own traditions and enjoy it being a bit more relaxing for all of you . Especially with such young children

Make it a house cleaning party for relative that obviously needs help. This would be a fantastic gift to them all the relatives can participate. You can put your baby in a travel cot. How is it you've all let it get like this?

Nope. Not happening in my world. Just say you will leave them.all to it.

I see you have decided not to go

But my thought when I read it was about B finding it easier to use the bathroom etc in their own home as everything is there ready to be used

Maybe a commode or change of clothes if there is an accident

If none of these are relevant I think it could just be that the children of B just want them to have and enjoy one last Christmas in their own home