AIBU to be mildly irritated at this situation on Christmas Eve?

[FoxyArsedCountryPissWhore]

I have two kids under 3. My family generally have a family get together on Christmas Eve, they live 90 minutes drive away. This year, instead of holding it at relative A’s (clean, spacious) home, they want it held at relative B’s home. Relative B is elderly, lives alone, has dementia, but absolutely could and would attend the get together at relative A’s house, were it held there. Relative B struggles hugely to manage a house and really frankly cannot really care for themselves and needs much more support. This has been much discussed within the family and I’ve mentioned this repeatedly with no action. I’m too far removed both physically and in terms of familial relationship to relative B to support
myself.

Relative A would like to host but the rest of the family are insisting it be at B’s house. There are two things that mean that taking my kids will be tricky: B’s house is filthy, like health hazard filthy, and the timing of the get together, late on Christmas Eve. It’s an awkward time for both kids, they’ll be tired and the oldest will be very excitable and probably a bit silly as 3 year olds are often on Christmas Eve, and baby will fuss for a nap. I have asked if the time could be moved to better accommodate the children, but no. B’s house is so dirty that I couldn’t even put baby down anywhere. I can see this event being nothing but stressful if I’m honest.

I’m feeling a little pressured as if I’m being the bad guy by saying we’ll do our own thing on Christmas Eve.

Two AIBUs really:

AIBU not to go?

AIBU to be a bit irritated at the rest of the family’s lack of flexibility in insisting it’s at B’s house?

Why has it been moved to B’s house?

Are you the only person with kids?

Yep it sounds like they’re trying to do something “less stressful” for B that might end up being super stressful for them. I’d just say the kids aren’t up to the journey this year, you’ll catch up another time

Decline and watch a nice Disney movie in your warm clean house with some M&S party food

I know a very elderly couple who sound a bit like Relative B. They love seeing everyone at Christmas, but only for about half an hour. Then it's all too much for them, and the small children drive them demented, however much they love them, they can't go and nap when they want to or watch 'their' programmes on TV, yet everyone insists on congregating at their house for Christmas because 'it might be their last'. They'd really prefer everyone to drop in for a cup of tea and a mince pie and then go away again. Any chance that Relative B might feel the same? It's about to become obvious, anyway.

Christmas eve is a big deal when you have children with setting up for santa before bed etc. I wouldn't want to drive that far with toddlers on Christmas eve in the evening. I'd much prefer a get together at lunch, that way anyone who needs to get back can leave earlier. Has no one put any consideration into this plan? Especially with children coming, it's thoughtless.

We don't go driving anywhere to visit anyone Christmas eve or Christmas day. It's way too far and too much fuss with our young children. Luckily family understand but if they didn't I wouldn't make it my problem. Accommodate guests you're inviting or they won't turn up.

if I was in your shoes I might have a poorly child that day and be unable to attend. And enjoy my CE at home.

Thanks all. We’re definitely not going to go. Too stressful and difficult. We’ll have a relaxed Christmas Eve evening at home instead. Appreciate the input.

Do your own thing, it’s ridiculous.

AIBU not to go? No yanbu to not go if it doesn’t work for you

AIBU to be a bit irritated at the rest of the family’s lack of flexibility in insisting it’s at B’s house? YABU on this. There is a group of people not just you to accommodate, if you were all to vote you’d be out voted. It’s unreasonable to ask for the planned time to be arranged to suit your children. But it’s not unreasonable for you to decline the invite due to it not working for you or attending and leaving early to get the kids home

It might be a blessing that they go and realise how bad things are for relative B. These days. Hopefully a plan will be in place in 2025 for them.

I would say it doesn't work for us, sorry, but we will have a seperate get together before/after Christmas so the kids can see their relatives and exchange gifts if that's what you do.

YANBU - it's fine to say "Have a great evening! We're going to miss it, as it is too far and too late for the kids on Christmas eve".

I would be wrapping them all cleaning gifts as a hint - not PA at all lol

This.

Dear all DH and I have made the decision now we have our own young family that we will be having Xmas eve, x day and Boxing Day in own family home on our own from this year on. We are happy to arrange to meet before or after Christmas either with you together or individually as we go forward. I’m sure you appreciate that we have to put the children and their bedtimes as well as excitement first. Merry Christmas xx

Apart from the obvious reasons not to go, Christmas Eve is a weekday. The traffic will be horrific, so a three hour round trip would take much longer.

You have made the right decision @FoxyArsedCountryPissWhore

I agree

If they want you there, they need to accommodate the needs of your two little children. If they don’t wish to offer any compromise, you’re well within your rights to tell them to poke it :) you’re not saying absolutely not and they are being very rigid about it, not you. You’re not at fault.

I’ve started to say no to unreasonable requests from older, child free relatives who expect me to cart two young kids, one with asd, around the county to accommodate their needs without any consideration to how to make things easier for us. It’s really liberating when you get into it! Highly recommend.

If B is elderly and it is likely to be there last opportunity to have Christmas there, then I can understand their view.

I wouldn't take my kids (also under 3) to a late meal in anyone's house at bed time anyway, it would just be a disaster and there is no chance anyone would have a good time.

It's a one-off and an adults event, I think that's fair for them to want this and fair for you not to go. Hopefully no one will be resentful and you can organise to meet some of them at another point during the holidays.

I wouldn’t drive 90 min with two kids on Christmas Eve regardless of the house. A filthy house would be an absolute no.

Stay home and enjoy some festive things with your little ones.

I can understand why they may want to meet at B’s - if B has dementia, a change of scene/routine can be very disorienting, not to mention with a lot of extra people and noise thrown in. My DM with dementia would not have tolerated it at all well -she’d have been very fretful and probably grumpy too.

So IMO you would not be in the least U for saying thanks, but no thanks. Quite apart for it being too much for your dcs on Christmas Eve, fewer people and less noise may well be much better for B.

If B’s house is truly hazardous filthy I’d be making a phone call to adult social services because they need more help than they have and shouldn’t have to live in filth.

Just yes just decline make no big deal of it. Just sorry not doing three hours Christmas Eve with young children. Enjoy yourselves, maybe next year.

Are yours the only little ones? They may not comprehend that it’s too late for them.

Exactly this.