AIBU to be mildly irritated at this situation on Christmas Eve?

[FoxyArsedCountryPissWhore]

I have two kids under 3. My family generally have a family get together on Christmas Eve, they live 90 minutes drive away. This year, instead of holding it at relative A’s (clean, spacious) home, they want it held at relative B’s home. Relative B is elderly, lives alone, has dementia, but absolutely could and would attend the get together at relative A’s house, were it held there. Relative B struggles hugely to manage a house and really frankly cannot really care for themselves and needs much more support. This has been much discussed within the family and I’ve mentioned this repeatedly with no action. I’m too far removed both physically and in terms of familial relationship to relative B to support
myself.

Relative A would like to host but the rest of the family are insisting it be at B’s house. There are two things that mean that taking my kids will be tricky: B’s house is filthy, like health hazard filthy, and the timing of the get together, late on Christmas Eve. It’s an awkward time for both kids, they’ll be tired and the oldest will be very excitable and probably a bit silly as 3 year olds are often on Christmas Eve, and baby will fuss for a nap. I have asked if the time could be moved to better accommodate the children, but no. B’s house is so dirty that I couldn’t even put baby down anywhere. I can see this event being nothing but stressful if I’m honest.

I’m feeling a little pressured as if I’m being the bad guy by saying we’ll do our own thing on Christmas Eve.

Two AIBUs really:

AIBU not to go?

AIBU to be a bit irritated at the rest of the family’s lack of flexibility in insisting it’s at B’s house?

I’d assume that they are doing it in the home of the person who has dementia so that the day is less confusing and overwhelming for them. It seems very selfish to be irritated by it if that’s the reason.

Just don’t go.

Well obviously, from what you have written, relative B's house sounds completely unsuitable and undesirable.
But presumably, the rest of your family (sane, rational adults?) think differently.

So either there are some other factors at play that you haven't mentioned that are the reasons for their decision (is the house nearer to them? Are there sentimental reasons for wanting to go to the house?) or they aren't sane or rational.

There is no way in hell I would be going with my kids if it's at Relative B's house.

I don't know, my family organise things that don't work for me, but that's just because they're selfish and it's what works for them. I'm expected to bend.

Who wants the celebration to be at B's and why?

No, the whole magic of Christmas Eve is the putting stockings and treats out and tucking up in bed. I wouldn’t be taking kids that long on a three hour evening trip on Christmas Eve even if it was in a house they could actually play and relax in.

Say you are not going. It's not worth worrying about your kids in a filthy house with people who are not willing to make any compromises.

It's not ideal for small children to be on 3hr round car trips on Christmas Eve. I wouldn't go on Christmas Eve, but I'd arrange to pop in some time over Christmas with some nice food and drink. In fact, could you offer to take the relative out for an afternoon? They might appreciate that if they live alone.

Can't the baby just nap in their buggy or a sling or on you?

I would go but I don't see 90 minutes as a long journey or why stockings etc can't be done before leaving. I'd stay till bedtime, get changed there then get children to sleep on way home and transfer. Assuming they will, if they don't transfer easily that's a different scenario.

I get the hygiene issue but not the posters saying children should be at home on Christmas Eve, why? Mine didn't go to bed until 1am as we went to the midnight service, all families are different.

B’s children are all insisting. Not a granny, but an elderly relative who has hosted this in the past, but hasn’t since Covid. No particular reason why they would insist on it this year, they just ‘feel strongly’ that it should be there.

B isn’t hosting as such, more having their house as the venue, with others cooking etc. No one is in any doubt that B isn’t capable of this, I think it’s probably a nostalgia thing maybe. In terms of the condition of B’s home, they are elderly and incredibly confused and can’t manage basic care of themselves or their home, can no longer cook or clean etc, and this is being supported by their children. It’s not enough though in my view, but that would be a separate post and a different discussion.

No, that's not how I'd be spending Christmas Eve.

It simply doesn't work with young children and my view is Christmas Eve should be a special time for children. They grow up so fast it's important to make the most of the time they believe in the magic.

Wish them all a happy Christmas but say the time and distance doesn't work for you. Perhaps visit sometime after Christmas/the New Year instead.

I think I would decline the invite this year and enjoy a quiet Christmas eve at home.

No one thinks it’s clean enough. The reasons are sentimental (I assume!)

I would go help clean relative B’s “health hazard” of a home, regardless of the Christmas plans.

Sure you would. I however won’t do this, because I’m a single working parent who would be bringing two children with me, and also because B doesn’t WANT this.

I don't get that either. Christmas has always been relaxed for us in terms of where and when things happen. This year PIL are hosting but are only down the road so we won't be staying there. Other family there too though so will probably go over at some point on Christmas Eve. Might stay till nearly bedtime, might be earlier. Being rigid about having to be at home because of the "magic" isn't a factor.

I gave my brother/wife a pass on coming to my wedding because it was an international flight, and they had two kids under 3. OP, just say that your kids are too little to be in the car for a six-hour return trip on Christmas Eve.

I would just not go. It sounds like B is not coping with life now anyway, so how your family think all of you descending there will be helpful is a mystery.

Decline it for this year. Cite worry over B's state of health plus also having over-excitable and cranky small children as the reason. Say that you will need to be at home this year for Christmas Eve because your children will be easier to manage there at the ages they are currently. Don't let them pressure you.

Personally, I'd knock it on the head for good now. Small children need to be in their own home at Christmas time, not being dragged around the country here there and everywhere. That is super stressful and unfair.

Visit family at some point during Christmas week if you must.

What's the reason for B's house being chosen? Is it some sense of "this might well be the last time B is will enough to host", so doing it for old times sake. Even though house A is clearly a more pragmatic option.

People often get weird and sentimental about Christmas, and often can't explain their triggers.

Personally, I'd bow out, just solely for the carting a toddler and an infant on a 3-hour round trip on Christmas eve sounds nightmarish.

I wonder if the family might contribute towards a cleaner…we hired a good one for my Mum in Law. She kept it sanitary, and just threw out obvious rubbish…my MIL was a bit of a hoarder! The cleaner was brilliant in being sensitive about the situation.

I wouldn't be doing a 3 hour round trip on Christmas eve with young kids no matter what the house was like.

Agree.

Whichever house it is at, there's no way I would be taking 2 small children out on the evening of Christmas eve even if it were local.
Add a 3 hour return trip into the mix and it wouldn't be happening at all.

The whole thing about 'everyone' wanting it to be a relative b's house is bizarre the way you have described it. I mean, I know we all tell any story with our own bias and in a way we hope to get people on side, but I can't understand who "they" are. If Person A wants to host, and has the home in which to host, what has it got to do with anyone other than Person A and Person B (who, if I have read right, is quite happy to go to Person A's house) ?

Sometimes people with dementia really can't cope with change so maybe the rest of the family understand B's condition in more detail and feel would distress B to to go to A's house or not be manageable moving B to and from without a lot of distress?

The other thing might be that people feel this is perhaps one of the last times that B might be in their home or able to do this? B sounds like a very close relative to the majority of the family anyway.

How far is B from A's?

I don't think you should feel like a bad guy. If you really think the house is too difficult for you to negotiate with very small children then maybe you should just sit it out this year. Or can you see people another time rather than Christmas Eve and do fleeting visits, or visit A's if A is willing around Christmas time? It actually sounds like a very difficult and personal situation that strangers on the internet can't advise on. It doesn't sound like people don't want you to go but it might well be that considerations around what is easiest and best for you is quite low down on the list if B's condition is such that everyone is focussing on how to do the best for them this time. I'd try and proceed sensitively and just accept if you can't go that you can find other ways of seeing people and let go of the tradition this one year. Don't feel guilty.

Are you Relative A?

Getting more support for Relative B is the priority. But there's something a bit disparaging in the way you talk about their home. Maybe those closer to B know what will suit that relative best.

Presumably, the adult children don't think Relative B will cope with being at Relative A's house anymore due to the progression of their dementia, hence wanting to have it somewhere familiar to RB.

But if the arrangement doesn't suit you and your family, you are well within your rights to say that you won't be able to attend.