AIBU to be mildly irritated at this situation on Christmas Eve?

[FoxyArsedCountryPissWhore]

I have two kids under 3. My family generally have a family get together on Christmas Eve, they live 90 minutes drive away. This year, instead of holding it at relative A’s (clean, spacious) home, they want it held at relative B’s home. Relative B is elderly, lives alone, has dementia, but absolutely could and would attend the get together at relative A’s house, were it held there. Relative B struggles hugely to manage a house and really frankly cannot really care for themselves and needs much more support. This has been much discussed within the family and I’ve mentioned this repeatedly with no action. I’m too far removed both physically and in terms of familial relationship to relative B to support
myself.

Relative A would like to host but the rest of the family are insisting it be at B’s house. There are two things that mean that taking my kids will be tricky: B’s house is filthy, like health hazard filthy, and the timing of the get together, late on Christmas Eve. It’s an awkward time for both kids, they’ll be tired and the oldest will be very excitable and probably a bit silly as 3 year olds are often on Christmas Eve, and baby will fuss for a nap. I have asked if the time could be moved to better accommodate the children, but no. B’s house is so dirty that I couldn’t even put baby down anywhere. I can see this event being nothing but stressful if I’m honest.

I’m feeling a little pressured as if I’m being the bad guy by saying we’ll do our own thing on Christmas Eve.

Two AIBUs really:

AIBU not to go?

AIBU to be a bit irritated at the rest of the family’s lack of flexibility in insisting it’s at B’s house?

I think aside from your young children being better at home Xmas eve to do pre Christmassy things. The thing I find difficult to comprehend is a hoard of people turning up to a horse with someone who has dementia. I know when my mum had dementia she found it hard to cope with lots of people, noise, being out of her routine. Even on Xmas day where previously she would enjoy herself, once dementia took hold she would only manage dinner and an hour or so and then wanted to go home Something that can also occur is Sundowning Syndrome and can cause additional confusion, sadness, anger and can be brought on by overstimulation. Does she normally have lots of people over. I think your family need to think about what they're wanting to achieve with a gathering at her house

Just a plain no, doesn't work for us....we want to stay home this Christmas Eve. No need to lie. Just state what you are doing and wish everyone a lovely time. I wouldn't definitely not go and I would definitely not feel bad about it.

Entirely agree.

Good decision OP, I wouldn't dream of bringing children into that environment.
Not suitable for children and not appropriate for your relative with dementia.

Have a lovely evening at home.

Absolutely skip this event.

Even at A's house, it sounds stressful, but B's house is a ridiculous idea.

The only good thing that will come of this is that everyone will see how appalling B's living conditions are and get motivated to do something about it.

That sounds really difficult when the OP has a baby and a 3yo.

I'd make this the start of Christmas Eve's at home while your kids are young OP, as taking them out anywhere on Christmas Eve as they get older, will only result in tiredness and temper tantrums as all the excitement gets too much for them.

With little kids you have a good excuse to not do anything you don't want to do - just say they're too tired or make up another excuse and have a nice Christmas Eve at home.

Definitely wouldn’t be going.. I think a 3 hour round trip with 2 little ones on the most exciting night of the year for them is odd anyway. Like another post said, stay home and do all the lovely bits..watch the news for the sleigh tracking, laying out mince pies for Santa, carrots for reindeer
Just arrange a date before or after Christmas to see family. My family is quite big and a tight squeeze in anyone’s house so we our having our get together this weekend in a nice restaurant… takes the pressure off massively

Lone parent too here OP. Life is exhausting enough without this shitshow on Xmas eve.

Have a lovely chilled one at home!

I also had my father pass from Dementia a couple of years ago, nothing used to stress him out more than hoards of people in his house. Equally though he'd get confused when we were elsewhere or he'd visit my home so you can't really win with that one.

We alway go to a relatives on Xmas eve it's a lovely family get together. Before kids it started at 7, since kids kids it now starts at 4 and we generally leave around 7pm

Wouldn’t do a Christmas Eve trip with a 6 hour return journey even as just adults, that’s a bit mad. I wonder if the family are going to clean the house up before the get together?

Right choice not to go. Also they could be putting undue pressure on B if she gets embarrassed at not being able maintain the house (understandable at her age). My elderly mum struggles with her house and has cleaners but if she didn’t and the house was not clean, having guests would make her very stressed. If my mum couldn’t afford cleaners I would either clean her house or pay for cleaners for her.

I think your relatives will envy you your chilled Christmas Eve, but they have made their bed.

It's always fine to refuse things that are completely small child unfriendly.

Especially on Christmas Eve, which most people would agree is a peak day of excitement for small kids.

visit and drop gifts to the others earlier on Christmas Eve then stay home and enjoy your little ones.
someone should push for any support for the relative with dementia - I feel for them 💔

Decline and do so now, don't wait a week or so. You are being kind and considerate to the person with dementia to visit at some other time.

Spending 3 hours plus on the roads with 2 small children on what could possibly be the busiest day of the year for traffic is utter madness.