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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just found my Christmas present and he’s messed up

280 replies

ChristmasCinchNotGrinch · 04/12/2024 14:23

Ok, so I’m grateful I’m getting a present but I’ll have to say that my DH is pretty crap at gifts. I think he’s just lazy. He told me there’s no shops near his office and he wouldn’t know what to get me. Well a few years back I went to his office in London to meet him and I literally walked past some of the best shops in the country.

Anyway, he’s bought me some sports gear off the internet. That’s great as I do a lot of fitness. However I’ve just found the bag. I went into a cupboard and it was on a shelf and I looked.

He’s bought me a jacket and a pair of running leggings in XL and I’m a M. I thought maybe this is an American size or other so I tried them on. They’re 3 sizes too big.

The receipt says there are 30 days to return and that takes it to 30 Dec.

I’m a bit disappointed that yet again I’ve got a useless present, but more practically I don’t want to be outside the return period.

Should I tell him I found them and they’re too big (YANBU) or suck it up, (YABU) smile and send it back as soon as the post office opens after Christmas…….and swap it for something I really want from that shop ;)

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 04/12/2024 21:47

Don't be surprised then if he says let's drop presents then.
Seriously it's a lot of critisism. Just buy what you want yourself, we are not children anymore.......

mondaytosunday · 04/12/2024 21:47

Just thank him, maybe express a bit of surprise at the sizing (and it's the other way round - a XL here is more like a L there).
Are you sure the gift is for you?

rainbowsparkle28 · 04/12/2024 21:54

Starlight1979 · 04/12/2024 14:49

He's already thought to buy you presents and it's only the first week of December?! That's pretty impressive in my eyes 😂

Give him husband of the year award 🤨👏 For being able to make no effort at all really and not bothering to even check the right size...but as long as it's before Christmas Eve he's done an amazing job. Like the men who are praised for "babysitting" their own children or running a hoover round.

notnorman · 04/12/2024 21:58

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 04/12/2024 14:54

I’d wait this one out. Not saying it’s necessarily an Emma Thompson moment as they could be for mum or sister or something, but they could also not be for you.

Came here to say that

rainbowsparkle28 · 04/12/2024 21:59

PlopSofa · 04/12/2024 20:32

OP you need to learn the game of gift giving in marriages and couples. Many men are CRAP at finding gifts. In the months before you should be priming him with things online that have taken your eye and you'd like.

It's so easy to do and saves all this hand-wringing and cack-handed gift-giving that makes no one happy. Be more proactive.

They are not mind-readers. And that's fine. Just play the game. Send him links of stuff you want so he gets visual clues and prices up front.

Then remind him and drop some hints, "oh I saw Betty my co-worker today, wearing that beautiful necklace I sent you last month, from Tiffany's. It's so gorgeous in real life. I'd really love something like that myself - but well, it's not Christmas yet, is it? LOL!"

As for the leggings I'd ask him if they were for him? If they're XL - well - who else would they be for? Ask him if they're his new gym gear and sound genuinely bemused when he says they're for you.

I'd also get a little tut tutty at this point and write down on a piece of paper for him and stick it on the fridge with your sizes so he CAN'T ever forget again.

No that's too easy a cop out. If he was bothered he would make an effort to find out what a partner actually wants and if clothing get the right size. Why should it be placed on the women indirectly then because "men are crap" at it. They - assuming no specific needs or disabilities - have all the same literal capabilities required to get a gift and find it out and the same shops available to them.

Tillow4ever · 04/12/2024 22:09

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2024 21:12

@Tillow4ever

I think asking for a receipt because it's a duplicate or the wrong size is very different to asking for the receipt do a "Rachel Green" (for non-Friends fans she basically always returned gifts for store credit). There's nothing wrong with doing that, and as the giver you should want them to be able to make use of the gift you bought!

Yeah if something is the wrong size or you have it that's entirely fair. But asking for a receipt or giving it back because you don't like it is just rude as a general rule. The act of gift giving is an act of charity and being transactional about it and immediately thinking about what you could have had is tacky.

But I also think there's a huge difference between buying a gift for someone you don't know that well and buying a gift for a spouse or intimate partner. Your other half should a) know you well enough to be able to hazard an educated guess about what you want and b) love you enough to care that they get it right.

I'd cut a lot of slack to someone I don't know well if they bought me an item of clothing I wouldn't wear: I would suck it up rather than asking for something else. The fact they've gone to the bother to do it shows a lot of effort and consideration. A Christmas present for a spouse is more or less mandatory and being that slapdash about it suggests a lack of care and investment.

I was responding to a previous poster who was saying it was always rude to ask for the receipt - saying there very specific circumstances where it’s not rude. I absolutely agree it’s rude to ask for the receipt because you just don’t like it - which is literally what I said?!

I would never (and haven’t) asked for a receipt to return a gift. I’m always very grateful to anyone that has chosen to buy something for me. I prefer to give than receive though!

Tillow4ever · 04/12/2024 22:09

*the comment “there’s nothing wrong with that” was referring to the first part of my post - receipt for wrong size or duplicate.

80smonster · 04/12/2024 22:12

I know it’s unromantic, but don’t you just send each other links to cut out the guesswork?

DogSmiles · 04/12/2024 22:16

This.

OP has said he wasn’t crap at presents earlier in their relationship which proves he just isn’t putting the effort in. It seems like OP would appreciate a thoughtful gift from him and that she mentions things she would like so he has no excuses, besides the posters on here setting a low bar for men.

PlopSofa · 04/12/2024 22:29

rainbowsparkle28 · 04/12/2024 21:59

No that's too easy a cop out. If he was bothered he would make an effort to find out what a partner actually wants and if clothing get the right size. Why should it be placed on the women indirectly then because "men are crap" at it. They - assuming no specific needs or disabilities - have all the same literal capabilities required to get a gift and find it out and the same shops available to them.

Show quote history

She's said she thinks DH is on the spectrum. It's hard for these people to imagine what others want. Often they're not even sure what they're feeling themselves, let alone what other people are feeling or - wanting. Look up

"Alexithymia is a neuropsychological condition that makes it difficult to identify, describe, and express emotions"

I imagine it's pretty hard buying presents if you have even some of this in your DNA.

ASimpleLampoon · 04/12/2024 22:34

Take the receipt and the clothes and change them to your size now, put them back where you found the originals. He won't know the difference. Buy him a cheap hot sauce gift set and spend the money you would have spent on something nice for you to compensate you for the effort of fixing his incompetence.

redalex261 · 04/12/2024 22:34

Can't you suggest sportswear as a potentially suitable present, then say "if buying anything lycra medium is the right size" - he's got plenty of time to do a return.

QuintessentialDragon · 04/12/2024 23:06

PlopSofa · 04/12/2024 20:32

OP you need to learn the game of gift giving in marriages and couples. Many men are CRAP at finding gifts. In the months before you should be priming him with things online that have taken your eye and you'd like.

It's so easy to do and saves all this hand-wringing and cack-handed gift-giving that makes no one happy. Be more proactive.

They are not mind-readers. And that's fine. Just play the game. Send him links of stuff you want so he gets visual clues and prices up front.

Then remind him and drop some hints, "oh I saw Betty my co-worker today, wearing that beautiful necklace I sent you last month, from Tiffany's. It's so gorgeous in real life. I'd really love something like that myself - but well, it's not Christmas yet, is it? LOL!"

As for the leggings I'd ask him if they were for him? If they're XL - well - who else would they be for? Ask him if they're his new gym gear and sound genuinely bemused when he says they're for you.

I'd also get a little tut tutty at this point and write down on a piece of paper for him and stick it on the fridge with your sizes so he CAN'T ever forget again.

Jesus christ, no, no. Just NO.

I just HATE this sort of nonsense. I'm not 5 and neither is my partner. All the 'clever (not) hints', 'looking bemused' and whatnot. Back to high school stuff.

If he's not good at gifts I'd just tell him straight. Here's 2-5 things I like, choose one/two of those. That's it. Not romantic, but simple and adult.

My exH knew I wanted a handbag. Because I told him. So he found one online, sent the link to me to confirm and bought it. No surprise, but I ended up with a present I loved and used.

My father gifts my mother money. He's an old-fashioned 'blokey-bloke', no clue whatsoever about women's clothing, accessories, jewellery and that sort of thing. He wouldn't get it right in a million years, so he just gifts money. Yea, no imagination at all, but she goes, buys something she wants and she's happy.

As for the gym gear I certainly wouldn't be coy and wouldn't play any sort of games. I'd just ask is it for me, and if it is - I'd tell him it's the wrong size, I wear an M.

Verydemure · 05/12/2024 08:20

I actually wonder if he just thinks the OP has put on weight, so has just gone for XL?

its such a weird one to get wrong about your long term partner, it almost feels like a dig, but accept I’m probably reading too much into it.

Christmaseason · 05/12/2024 08:27

I think due to the fact that they were in the Christmas decoration cupboard it’s fine to say you’ve found a bunch of sports clothes with the labels still on and if these are your Christmas present that they are not your size so will need changing.

If you don’t want sports gear then it’s also the ideal time to say that and suggest something else you’d like such as a gift voucher.

Lincslady53 · 05/12/2024 08:31

Find what you like online, forward the page to him, with a note saying 'this would look nice in my size" Do not drop subtle hints, he will get it wrong. He will think he is doing well, but he will get it wrong. If you like a particular brand of chocolate, tell him straight, do not give subtle hints, he will get it wrong. Of, course, I am only talking about my DH, but since I adopted this strategy I have not been disappointed with gifts.

PlopSofa · 05/12/2024 08:48

PassingStranger · 04/12/2024 21:47

Don't be surprised then if he says let's drop presents then.
Seriously it's a lot of critisism. Just buy what you want yourself, we are not children anymore.......

So much this. I hate getting presents.

I know what I want. Just give me the cash 😆 or don’t bother. I can buy it myself.

Every year the same kind of threads. We are adults in a world where we can buy what we want.

PlopSofa · 05/12/2024 08:51

In fact Xmas as it is currently irritates the hell out of me. One massive consumer fest and often disappointing yet we’re all supposed to jolly along and smile through gritted teeth. Always such a relief when it’s over.

DogSmiles · 05/12/2024 11:27

PlopSofa · 04/12/2024 22:29

She's said she thinks DH is on the spectrum. It's hard for these people to imagine what others want. Often they're not even sure what they're feeling themselves, let alone what other people are feeling or - wanting. Look up

"Alexithymia is a neuropsychological condition that makes it difficult to identify, describe, and express emotions"

I imagine it's pretty hard buying presents if you have even some of this in your DNA.

Show quote history

Strange that he could buy good presents years ago.

MiloMinderbinder · 05/12/2024 17:39

Buy him a pair of small-size y-fronts. Pink

schtompy · 05/12/2024 17:51

Wow, you shouldn’t have even looked at the present or tried it on. Accept presents when ‘given’ them. Some men aren’t very good at finding presents, write a small list maybe and say I’d absolutely love anything on this list if you’re stuck for something to get me.

PorridgeEater · 05/12/2024 17:53

Surely if you have a good relationship with him you could say you appreciate the thought, but exchange them for same / similar items in the right size.

SpeculativeHoumous · 05/12/2024 17:57

MiloMinderbinder · 05/12/2024 17:39

Buy him a pair of small-size y-fronts. Pink

Why?

KnottyKnitting · 05/12/2024 17:58

Caroparo52 · 04/12/2024 14:33

Buy him a token for a shop he won't use

Better still, buy him a voucher for a shop he won't use but you will! 👹

BennyBee · 05/12/2024 18:33

If it were me, I’d sneak it out, change for the right size and sneak it back in. He won’t notice and you’ll get something you can use and won’t have to pretend to like. Win, win. Men can be so bad at shopping. Some gender stereotypes are real.