To think therapists want you to hate your parents?

[Dreolady]

I approached a therapist because I’m feeling low about a particular issue and have anxieties about the future: The therapist wants to work on healing my inner child and talking about my childhood. I’m not really sure how it’s linked to the issue I’m currently facing but she thinks I need to do “deeper” work. I trusted her judgement on this but now I feel like she wants me to be angry with my mother. and I don’t know how I feel about that because we have a good relationship.

I know my mother wasn’t the best parent but I think she was limited in her understanding of how to parent and she had a lot of her own traumas and issues to deal with. My therapist feels Im making excuses for her and I need to find my anger in order to heal my inner child.

I spoke to my friend about this and she had the same experience where she felt that her therapist wanted her to hate her parents. Is this common?

Honestly it doesn't sound like your therapist wants you to hate anyone.

It sounds to an outsider like your therapist can see a link between what you're dealing with now and your childhood and wants to explore it and the emotions around it?

If your mother wasn't the best parent + had her own traumas then perhaps there are some childhood issues / traumas informing how you are today? You don't need to be angry with your mum because of that, but sometimes I find it healthier in my mind if I can recognise and work through issues (independently of my relationship with people!).

It’s not a popular opinion, but I agree with you. No one has had the perfect childhood. That does not mean that it was neglectful or abusive. Therapists are in the business of making money, and returning clients is the best way to ensure it keeps coming in.

I'm a therapist.
I would absolutely encourage someone to feel in a more visceral way what it was like being parented by someone who (for example) wasn't empathic, or was so tied up in their own difficult feelings that they were unable to make their child feel loved and safe and valued. People whose parenting was lacking in these ways often end up feeling angry as well as sad and scared.
But would I encourage the client to blame or despise their parent? Not at all. It's not about making judgements about another human being who is no doubt struggling in their own way and often doing the best they can manage in difficult circumstances. It's about being in touch with your own feelings rather than squashing them down or explaining them away. That can be very freeing.

I am also of the same opinion. A family member is going through this now - i am surprised at the road they are being led down by the therapist (the issues don't relate to me). In my limited view they also don't try to get their client to see both sides

Well, my therapist definitely wanted me to discuss my parents and my chidhood... because it sets up so many of the dynamics and responses we take into adulthood. But one of the reasons I'm such a huge fan of therapy (and why I will recommend my DC have some in their 20s) is that I came out of it with a much clearer understanding of my parents' approach. I could be angry and upset about certain behaviours, but I also was abnle to look at them through an adult's eyes and take on the positives away from the negatives. My relationship with both my parents improved immensely after that, and I definitely moved into the rest of my adulthood in a much better place overall.

With the obvious Not All Therapists Are Like That caveat, yes - a lot of therapists are like that.

I am also a therapist. From the brief details you've given it sounds like your therapist might be wedded to a particular therapeutic model or way of understanding emotional distress and that is the lens she is seeing you and your life through? It's not the case that all therapists want you to hate your parents but I would say a lot of the difficulties people experience in the here and now are highly related to and influenced by their early experiences, and parents tend to be a big part of that.

Just because your childhood wasn't abusive or neglectful it doesn't mean it hasn't had an (possibly negative) influence on your life and stop you from having issues that could do with working through.

Your therapist is probably using a psychoanalytical model that traces everything back to childhood (or she's a quack, I did meet one of these once). There are other models that it sounds like would suit you better and definitely other therapists that you could build a stronger therapeutic relationship with.

I agree!

But should that make you hate your parents? As that’s what the OP is feeling like she’s being led to do. If OP doesn’t feel resentment towards her parents currently, I’d think not.

But who said they're trying to make you hate your parents? I don't think they are. That was just the op's interpretation of the therapist suggesting that her parents may have some negative impact.

I'm suggesting that a therapist may just talk about parents because, as one of the majori influences on all of our lives, it's an important thing to talk about.

Talking about your parents as maybe having a negative impact in some areas is not the same as asking you to hate them.

You shouldn’t be led to hate your parents, but a lot of behaviours we present as adults are because of learnt behaviour from our childhood, from how we were treated or spoken to, or made to feel.

It should help you recognise certain behaviours you have now as an adult, maybe in how you parent or how you deal with certain situations and then be able to work through them. Being able to understand why and how you present certain behaviours can be really useful.

But who said they're trying to make you mate your parents? The OP, which is who I replied to, that you quoted

My comment was in context to that.

The OP is stating how the questioning makes her feel, we can’t know what the therapist’s intentions are as we aren’t the ones getting the therapy.

I'm sure there are some good therapists. However, it is also true that as I've entered middle age, I have belatedly noticed that all the most... fucked up? people I know are either training to be, or have trained to be therapists and counsellors. By fucked up I don't mean they are terrible people, I just mean those friends whose advice you would never take, who are always engaged in some kind of pointless drama, or who have long running problems with addictions or depression.

Oh well no, some of them can't even get that together and have become life coaches. But it's a really striking theme!

We’re pretty much programmed by our upbringing.

Therapy can be like opening Pandoras Box. I think it should be used for very serious issues.

I can see that my childhood wasn’t “right”. I don’t think my mum was a bad person though. My therapist however thinks she had a choice.

I find it hard to feel “angry” because I understand why she was the way that she was. My therapist asked me what stops me from feeling “anger” towards her? I said I would only feel it if I thought what she did was intentional. Then she asked and if it was intentional, what would happen? I said I guess I wouldn’t have no relationship with my mum any more if I thought she had intentionally and knowingly harmed me. She said that is what’s holding you back from feeling the anger, that’s the cost of feeling the anger and healing your inner child.

Maybe I’ve misunderstood and she wants me to feel the anger without it breaking up my relationship with my mum? But doesn’t that require me to think my mums actions were deliberate? Maybe you can have a relationship with someone who has deliberately hurt you. I dont know. I’m so confused. I just don’t see the point in hating my mother in her twilight years when we are in a good place now.

Junping straight to acceptance and forgiveness without first acknowledging the pain and suffering caused isn't good for you either. If the therapist is any good they will be wanting to support you through a journey which allows your inner child, who was forced to accept and forgive before she was ready, to express her pain and upset, and then circle back to accepting and forgiving after those unresolved emotions have been expressed.

@NobleWashedLinen the focus is very much on the inner child expressing the pain at the moment. This discussion about anger (posted above) three me off a bit

This has been my experience in therapy - something far more nuanced than what OP is describing.

i wonder if you’re in a position to try a different therapist?

What I will say is that your experiences in childhood absolutely will affect how you experience problems in the present, even if they feel like they’re only about the here and now.

'It sounds to an outsider like your therapist can see a link between what you're dealing with now and your childhood and wants to explore it and the emotions around it?'

Thats how I read it too. Your therapist will want to help you to understand yourself better, and to understand the impact that your childhood has had on the adult version of you. And that can involve some painful, clunky, surprising, alarming stuff

Your therapist won't be WANTING you to feel a particular way about anything - what would they get out of it?

Sorry I hadn’t spotted this when I wrote my other reply. I think it’s deeply unhelpful to talk about your mum having had ‘a choice’ - this therapist really doesn’t sound that helpful

'What I will say is that your experiences in childhood absolutely will affect how you experience problems in the present, even if they feel like they’re only about the here and now'

Couldn't agree more

@Lottapianos It’s not so much that I think they get anything out off it but that each person comes with their own biases and ways of thinking about things? In my case I have tried to understand why my mother was the way that she was and I feel like I’ve made my peace with it.

Therapists should not be encouraging rifts and estrangement. Unfortunately some may do this but it isn’t good therapy. Tread with caution and trust your instincts.