To think therapists want you to hate your parents?

[Dreolady]

I approached a therapist because I’m feeling low about a particular issue and have anxieties about the future: The therapist wants to work on healing my inner child and talking about my childhood. I’m not really sure how it’s linked to the issue I’m currently facing but she thinks I need to do “deeper” work. I trusted her judgement on this but now I feel like she wants me to be angry with my mother. and I don’t know how I feel about that because we have a good relationship.

I know my mother wasn’t the best parent but I think she was limited in her understanding of how to parent and she had a lot of her own traumas and issues to deal with. My therapist feels Im making excuses for her and I need to find my anger in order to heal my inner child.

I spoke to my friend about this and she had the same experience where she felt that her therapist wanted her to hate her parents. Is this common?

This. Your therapist doesn’t have an agenda. She presumably feels your current anxiety is related to scripts learned in childhood, or adaptive behaviour, and is not due to some discrete situation. It’s perfectly possible to have a good relationship with your parents in adulthood and still recognise that, while they may have done their best, they weren’t able to be adequate parents. (My own parents weren’t able to be, because both of them came from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds and were orphaned young. I’m still dealing with the fallout of that in my 50s. Absolutely it wasn’t their fault, but you can learn maladaptive behaviours very young, and they’re very hard to unlearn.)

Most research suggests that for therapy to be affective the most important things are the therapeutic relationship, this needs to be strong. There should also be an agreed goal or objective for therapy i.e. what you want to work on and a shared understanding of what the problem is and what's causing it (this is sometimes called a formulation). If these things are missing then you may want to try a different therapist with a different approach.

You say that you're feeling low and anxious about something in the here and now. It's highly likely that things you learned in your childhood and early relationships are impacting your current experience, and I think that's worth exploring.

I originally went to therapy to discuss a violent relationship that I had managed to get out of, but ended up spending WAY more time talking about my relationship with my parents and family, which turned out to be highly relevant to how I ended up with a violent man in the first place. That all felt weird and difficult at first so I get it

Why did you feel that therapy was something you wanted to pursue?

It's a tricky one. Recognising your parents did the best they could is a very mature viewpoint.
If you were angry, that's where you'd be hoping to reach.

The question is more whether there is a part of you that has complicated emotions around unmet needs in childhood. Recognising that you deserved better, that you were hurt when you shouldn't have been, that this has perhaps led to a feeling of not being enough or safe - these could be helpful insights and might indeed be accompanied by temporary anger because that's only human.

My therapist once said I was angry with one of my children because they were getting a better quality of childhood than I had enjoyed in one particular way. I thought that was ridiculous, especially when I had gone out of my way to ensure it would be better. But then I thought about the way I had told her how grateful she should be for this particular thing when I thought she was taking it for granted - how angry I had felt - and I did indeed have more skin the game than I'd realised which was helpful to realise.

I couldn't understand why my ex (not ex then) seemed angry with me when I was bending over backwards to meet his rather outlandish needs. He said he appreciated it but he still seemed quietly resentful. Pointing out how much I was doing made it worse. My therapist explained that gratitude is a very demanding emotion because you are acknowledging the other person has something to give that you haven't got and need - at one level you're grateful. At the same time, between that there may be some resentment that the other person has it to give while they don't, and the obligation to feel grateful becomes a strain.

Anger doesn't mean hatred. It's just a collateral emotion on the way to many valuable insights that can free us up in moving forward. I agree it comes with risk and sometimes it's abused.

This

now I feel like she wants me to be angry with my mother. and I don’t know how I feel about that because we have a good relationship.

I don’t think so, OP. She wants big Dreolady to acknowledge the anger that little Dreolady must have felt at times and which she probably had to suppress back then. Allowing your inner child to express that anger now, with big Dreolady in charge, is the best gift you can give yourself. Big Dreolady is a witness and a container for little Dreolady, all within the bigger container which is the therapy setting.

And that’s fine. But your therapist wants to to examine the possible roots of some of your current anxiety in response to how she was in your childhood. The focus is on you, not her, and doesn’t involve blaming her.

My sister lost her mind after seeing a therapist and became extremely nasty to our mother and blaming her for all sorts of things.

Went on for months and she almost cut her off altogether. My mum was a very dedicated and good mother so it was horrendous for her

I think that a lot of therapy can encourage navel gazing and ruminating on things that aren’t helpful. Ultimately it is a money making business I suppose.

@Dreolady you want to discuss an issue that's nothing to do with your upbringing and the therapist wants to go back that far? You are definitely not alone in that problem.
i've heard many stories about this and every time I read a book or watch a talk, I'm struck by what seems like an obsession with a period of time that likely has no link to the issue.

I'm the mother here and I think I agree. I wasn't a perfect mother but I did the best I could and I feel I was a better mother than mine was. I think each generation learns from the mistakes of the previous one. I had a good relationship with my daughter and it suffered when she started counselling. We are still on good terms but now I'm wary when I'm with her. I feel so judged by her and once the genie is out of the box you can't put it back.

Therapists often tell you things you don't want to hear. That your problem.

@Mangocity Exactly. I feel like getting to a point where you can look past your hurt and understand why things were the way they were is further along the path that you want to be on. It is the more “mature” approach vs being angry. I still have sadness around what happened, can’t we just work with those feelings? I feel like I need to manufacture anger which just doesn’t exist.

@AlwaysLookForward that does make sense but for me anger just isn’t relatable. I feel that my inner child was sad and I feel sad still when I think about these things but the anger just isn’t there

Hi OP, the way your therapist challenges you sounds completely normal and healthy.

May I say I think you are projecting onto her. You wonder what her intentions are, if she's encouraging you to hate your mother etc. Those are in fact all issues YOU need to deal with within you. You can ask her these questions directly and take her answer. But I suspect this won't give you any peace as this isn't about her.

She's obviously provoked something within you and the best you can do for yourself is to openly share your thoughts, incl the ones you have about your therapist, and continue there. A skilled therapist will welcome this.

It's normal to want to doubt your therapist. For weeks I thought mine has been off track with something about me and I was rolling my eyes internally, but I'm starting to realise she's right and I am getting to a new level of awareness.

It may feel that you've made your peace with it - but it seems your therapist, who is hopefully well trained and recommended, can see the connection between the issues you are seeking therapy for, and your childhood.

It is very likely that a childhood informed by trauma and poor care from a parent will lead to issues down the line.

It's possible to acknowledge that things could have been different, feel and process the anger and find out how to stop that affecting your current life; and also to maintain a good relationship with your mum now.

You seem concerned that if you start to believe that your mum had different options available to her, you wouldn't want a relationship with her? That sounds like you've only made peace with it on a very surface level, by convincing yourself she had no other choice.

I had a lightbulb moment during a period of therapy for depression. I was describing, and explaining reasons for, a particular set of incidents and discussions with my mum when I was around six or seven. The therapist asked me, with my then current school teacher hat on, what I would do if a child told me about this episode today. Without pausing to think, I immediately said that I would report it as a safeguarding concern. The therapist just waited for the penny to drop. It was at that point that I realised that whatever the justifications, explanations or defences I could make, I had been on the receiving end of what would now be considered abuse.

It didn’t make me angry with my mum, but it did help me to understand why I had a problem in a particular area.

@Dreolady Then tell her you aren't feeling the anger. She's supposed to guide you through this.

If I may say, you talk about anger like it's a good thing not to have ('more mature way', 'move on from past hurt'). Anger is normal and healthy also in adults. Nobody can never be angry, but people suppress anger, which leads to other issues, incl denial of own needs. Many people have suppressed anger from childhood. It doesn't mean you are supposed to hate your mother. You realise that this is projection?

You actually sound annoyed (angry?) at your therapist, which in reality is probably directed towards your mother.

I think it’s interesting how resistant you are to this. It’s as if you’re unwilling to examine the effects on you of the way you were parented. No one is requiring you to be angry with your mother. She will have been the way she was because of her own life experiences. Exploring what that may have done to you is an entirely separate issue.

Hope your sister has an amazing life.

know my mother wasn’t the best parent but I think she was limited in her understanding of how to parent and she had a lot of her own traumas and issues to deal with. My therapist feels Im making excuses for her and I need to find my anger in order to heal my inner child.

with respect OP you kind of are making excuses and maybe that’s why the therapist wants to explore a bit deeper for any unresolved issues.

@Twatalert yes since she stopped therapy and seen a GP instead

'If I may say, you talk about anger like it's a good thing not to have ('more mature way', 'move on from past hurt'). Anger is normal and healthy also in adults. Nobody can never be angry, but people suppress anger, which leads to other issues, incl denial of own needs. Many people have suppressed anger from childhood. It doesn't mean you are supposed to hate your mother. You realise that this is projection?
You actually sound annoyed (angry?) at your therapist, which in reality is probably directed towards your mother.'

Very perceptive, and I agree completely

OP, I think your reaction is very understandable. Thinking about your past more deeply is often very uncomfortable, and it's entirely natural to find it weird and unsettling. But I do think that your therapist is on to something

There are different kind of therapists. You do not have to go back to your childhood to get help with dealing with your current issues. In fact in some cases opening up childhood traumas can make life much worse.

I’m finding this interesting because the OP has said one thing and many people have refused to accept this and keep pushing.

Now - that’s all very well and good but surely it takes away from you trusting your own judgement and being able to work through feelings and emotions?

For my part, I had a strained relationship with my parents, especially my mother. Having children of my own was a humbling experience and I understand so much now that I didn’t understand then.