To think therapists want you to hate your parents?

[Dreolady]

I approached a therapist because I’m feeling low about a particular issue and have anxieties about the future: The therapist wants to work on healing my inner child and talking about my childhood. I’m not really sure how it’s linked to the issue I’m currently facing but she thinks I need to do “deeper” work. I trusted her judgement on this but now I feel like she wants me to be angry with my mother. and I don’t know how I feel about that because we have a good relationship.

I know my mother wasn’t the best parent but I think she was limited in her understanding of how to parent and she had a lot of her own traumas and issues to deal with. My therapist feels Im making excuses for her and I need to find my anger in order to heal my inner child.

I spoke to my friend about this and she had the same experience where she felt that her therapist wanted her to hate her parents. Is this common?

The inner child is just a concept. People are talking about it as of it's something real. For some people it will be a useful model that they can build strategies around for showing themselves kindness, letting go of guilt, finding ways to give themselves the nurturing thru lacked etc, and for some it won't be helpful at all and may even be detrimental.

I dare say it’s a convenient ‘hook’ for some of them to hang any issues on.

@SigmaBead Thankyou.

My therapist was absolutely fixated on the inner child model, even though I found it so uncomfortable and not me at all. After several weeks of being ‘stuck’ in my therapists words, I called time on the sessions and sought another therapist who was happy to deal with the difficulties I was experiencing in the here and now. Much more beneficial and helpful.

It's been helpful for me to see that I was treated too much like an adult and confidante too young.
There is a label for it -parentification or adultification.
It's been helpful to hear that the results of this can be people pleasing and guilt with saying no.

I am now able to often catch myself feeling resentful when I'm being swept along with something I don't want to, or to realise I'm overthinking whether to say no or not. It has been a lot more healthy to say no, or accept I'm making a choice rather than feeling a vague background resentment.

But, I can see the nuance of how I was raised. I dont need to express anger from the long past if I can spot in the moment the resentment starting and avoid an old pattern of behaviour because I've been able to notice it.
I can deal with these things more and more successfully in the moment as my adult self and also do not need to add a layer of complication by thinking about inner children.

I also think doing things differently with our own children, knowing we're not perpetuating an old pattern, can feel really healthy. Though we have to be careful the pendulum doesn't swing too far - which I think happens a lot with the way children are now being brought up, which causes a whole raft of problems in itself.

Another way to say it's a concept is to ask: "where in the mind is that inner child located"?

@applecake78

It's probably most useful for people with childhood trauma that still greatly impacts their adult life, for example in the form of cptsd. Then it often helps to see that the feelings in some situations belong in the past and not in the present. I do believe that childhood experiences, good and bad, remain in the nervous system.

The risk with this is that it can give people easy answers as to why their life is the way it is.

No doubt family upbringing is part of the mix, but if a therapist enters with the concept that 'issues in adult relationships are all to do with failings in parent-child relationships', then that is a very black/white approach with an easy answer and an easy villain. Who wouldn't want to distance themselves from the apparent cause of their unhappiness? Especially if the parent does not recognise what the adult child states?

It reminds me of the trans issue, where teens suddenly discover from therapy or tik-tok videos that the reason they're unhappy is that they're trapped in the wrong body. They will insist that suddenly a veil dropped from their eyes, everything made sense, and that this is the solution.

@Noeasyanswer I couldn't say I agree with you. I'm not a therapist, but I believe that attachment is formed in childhood and as children we have a primary caregiver and that attachment to them is therefore so important for any future relationships. We learn relationships from our primary caregiver and the family system. School etc have an impact, but that can never destroy or make up for what is taught/not taught at home.

I actually see a lot of black and white thinking in your post because you describe any issues arising from parenting as 'failures'. I just wonder how you came to conclude this? Therapy can be used to help with mental illness or it can be enhancing for a persons well being.

I wonder if you have been to therapy yourself? Because my experience isn't that therapists pick apart the upbringing and judge parents. It isn't about bringing up all the dirt and gossip about your mum. My experience with three therapists is that they want to explore how you felt as a child growing up, what habits were formed and how some of them maybe don't serve you as an adult and then how to make changes. It's mostly about bringing awareness for anything going on in the subconscious. And much of this has been going on since childhood.

@Twatalert I agree and I think there’s some responses on this thread which paint a very inaccurate picture of what therapy is like. There are all sorts of assumptions which just fuel unhelpful stereotypes about therapy, such as blaming parents for ‘everything’ and therapists having some malevolent agenda to destroy family relationships. As I’ve said in previous posts, there are charlatans around however it takes years of supervised practice to become a chartered/ accredited therapist or psychologist, and ongoing supervision. There are strict therapeutic codes of conduct and ethics and if these are not adhered to then the therapist may lose their registration.

This thread will attract those with anti-therapy views though and therefore we won’t be getting balanced responses here.

I’m in two minds about this because you can’t underestimate the long-term effect of childhood experiences - how you feel about yourself, how you respond to different situations, how you form relationships as an adult etc. But if you feel like you’ve already acknowledged that and dealt with it then you probably need CBT which teaches you techniques to manage your anxiety, rather than the talking therapy you’re having now. It’s perfectly ok to ask for a different therapist (just say you’re not compatible if you don’t want to go into details) or suggest that CBT might suit you better. Good luck.

@Plastictrees yes. In my experience therapists don't engage in gossip. They will get a sense of what the parenting was like but I don't think they look to build some kind of picture about the parent. They will work to understand the client though, and even that is a process and always evolving.

It might be worth pointing out that some relationships just won't work, incl with a therapist. It doesn't mean the therapist is crap. They may be able to build a wonderful connection with the next client. I had a therapist who in hindsight I believe couldn't quite figure out where to meet me and how. We weren't a good fit. So I moved on and am so lucky to have my current therapist who helped me completely change my views about so many things. The improvement on my quality of life is immeasurable.

therapy, the utltimate self-absorbed navel gazing load of crap.

'therapy, the utltimate self-absorbed navel gazing load of crap'

Why are some people on here so angry at / about therapy? Is it because you tried it and had a terrible experience? No question that there are dreadful, damaging people out there who call themselves therapists, but some people seem angry that therapy even exists

I've seen 2 therapists in my time. In hindsight, the first was not a good fit for me and wasn't always very empathetic. The second was absolutely wonderful and my work with her changed my life

I don’t think those experiencing mental health problems would agree with your point of view.

Someone has issues.

@Lottapianos Its ironic that those who dismiss therapy are the ones who tend to need it the most!

You OK hun?

While I do believe that looking into one's childhood is a valid process, that doesn't mean you need to stay with a therapist that makes you feel you are being pushed in a way that doesn't resonate for you. Even if the therapist is technically "right" (how could one know?), if it's not working for you, it might be better to find someone else. Therapists are not all-knowing gods, just flawed humans like the rest of us.

I had a similar experience with a counsellor over a specific issue in my life where she was telling me where I was going wrong. (Her job was specifically to counsel people in the same situation I was in). I gave up after a few sessions and went to see another, who validated my feelings and empathised with me, which was much more helpful. (A general counsellor with no specific agenda)

did I hit a little nerve pet? 😂

When 90% of the brain is formed in the first 3 years of life then there is obviously going to be a link with mental health and early experiences.

I really don't think therapists 'hate' anybody. My friend is a therapist and she is one of the most unjudgemental people I know. They want to help you not judge you and your family.

You need a new therapist.