To think therapists want you to hate your parents?

[Dreolady]

I approached a therapist because I’m feeling low about a particular issue and have anxieties about the future: The therapist wants to work on healing my inner child and talking about my childhood. I’m not really sure how it’s linked to the issue I’m currently facing but she thinks I need to do “deeper” work. I trusted her judgement on this but now I feel like she wants me to be angry with my mother. and I don’t know how I feel about that because we have a good relationship.

I know my mother wasn’t the best parent but I think she was limited in her understanding of how to parent and she had a lot of her own traumas and issues to deal with. My therapist feels Im making excuses for her and I need to find my anger in order to heal my inner child.

I spoke to my friend about this and she had the same experience where she felt that her therapist wanted her to hate her parents. Is this common?

@Noeasyanswer I think that’s a really good way of putting it that people are sometimes, with some therapists, being encouraged to “lean in to the hurt”. I struggle to see why that would ever be particularly effective, especially in cases like the one you describe.

That’s a really horrible thing to say @Twatalert

My children are only little and certainly aren’t in therapy! Obviously if they are and it’s because of me then I’m so sorry for that but I really have done my absolute utmost for them and I won’t pretend that I think it’s healthy to demand standards from your own parents you couldn’t meet yourself.

@Lavender14 thanks for sharing your experience. It does make sense. I guess the difference is that I haven’t really struggled with repressing anger. I used to feel it a lot when I was younger. I’ve expressed it to my mother as well and she has apologised. I feel like I’m over the anger but probably not the sadness. I think I’ll try to explain this to the therapist next time and see what she says.

I suppose the question is whether it makes the child happier. I had thought before that therapists would be more like counsellors, or a good friend and listen but also sometimes challenge and offer wider perspectives. That has not been my experience.

I had one session with a therapist about a marriage issue and I didn’t continue as she just agreed with everything I said. Although it’s nice to have someone agree with you, it didn’t feel like it was going to help resolve the issue which normally means some compromise. And frankly when she agreed with my gripes, I felt that actually they weren’t so serious. In the end, just speaking with DH was much better, rather than complaining about him to a stranger who only hears the bad bits and doesn’t see the whole person.

You need a different therapist.
Whatever this one is doing is not helping, and she has failed to establish trust.
If it's not working, move on.

My DSis's therapist seems to want her to be angry with our DM, for her recent behaviour, nothing to do with our childhood. The result is DSis has gone very low contact with an 89yo, who is bewildered that one of her children barely speaks to her. DMs main crime is not being supportive of DSis after she experienced a loss in her mid sixties. DM is barely able to make herself a cup of tea or remember what day it is, so and has always been "chin up" "stiff upper lip" and "these things happen", even though she is kind and gentle and caring, she's just not emotionally intelligent, I suspect because of what she experienced as a child during the war, so I don't know why DSis would have expected anything else. It's as though the therapist doesn't see the bigger picture, and just wants to DSis to "protect" herself now, even though it will probably result in regret in a few years time.

@goandhohoho uh? No, I always side with the kids that are in therapy. I don't care if the parents feel offended. No child is born 'wrong'. Children just display the symptoms of dysfunction in a family.

@Noeasyanswer no, therapy is hard work if you want to bring about change. It's exhausting, challenging and hopefully rewarding. It requires a huge amount of commitment.

What did you expect after ONE therapy session?

Therapy isn't 'complaining to a stranger', jesus Christ.

@MrsStig to me it sounds as though your sister is in good hands. What you wrote is quite a typical view of families dealing with estrangement of one family member. It's textbook.

Wise words and v helpful

I wouldn't want my children to have the childhood I had, but having grieved for that, I can now see that my parents did the best they could in challenging circumstances

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

This Philip Larkin poem always resonates with me, my parents were abusive and narcissist. I've had therapy and it helped, but it also focused on the past, dredging up stuff that was unhappy. I now look to the future rather than the past and hope to God the poem doesn't ring true for my child and I. Lots of issues we have as adults are rooted in childhood trauma, and trauma does not have to be as extreme as we think, it could be lack of emotional intelligence rather than physical abuse.

My therapist worked with me with regards my parents and in the end, I learned to understand what my mum went through herself, everything she sacrificed. She did her best with what she had and I love and forgive her.

My dad however... I realised he was an entitled man baby who had absolutely everything and chose to be cruel, neglectful, full of himself and arrogant. So he is currently rotting in a care home.

That's a bit different from your earlier posts where you said you could only be angry with your mother if you thought her behaviour was intentional.

I'm getting confused now, but maybe that's because you are. I wonder if the therapist has pushed you to re-evaluate what you do really feel and it's bringing up lots of conflicting emotions.

When I first went into therapy in my late 30’s I was absolutely furious at my therapist for suggesting my mother was anything other than an absolute God who worked her fingers to the bone for us, sacrificed her life, starved for us, and was a veritable Super Woman. I was extremely respectful and idolised her and thought I’d had a good childhood with lots of visits to stately homes, museums, zoos, perfectly pressed clothes and a healthy dinner cooked from scratch every day!

I went to see a therapist in desperation after 2 years of severe panic attacks which had got to the extent that I was off on long term sick from work as I constantly felt dizzy and like I was going to faint, and was afraid to drive having had a panic attack while driving with DC in the car. I had been sure there was something physically wrong like a brain tumour or something so had had loads of tests including a CT scan!

I had not at all connected my anxiety to my mother and at that point we had a very close relationship.

Therapist wanted to know background so of course we talked about family. Within 3 sessions, she told that she didn’t understand why I had any contact with my family, especially my mother, at all and I shouldn’t let them be around my DC.

She was basically telling me what I was in complete denial about and it took a while, but the fog lifted.

She told me very clearly that if I chose to confront my mother about my childhood to get something in the way of an apology for the little girl I was back then, my mother would very likely cut me off completely and my siblings would follow her.

I thought that there was no way that would happen but that’s exactly what my mother and siblings did in disgust that I had ‘upset’ my mother. One brother wanted to harm me physically, he was angry. 12 years now. My DH and DC were cut off too despite my family very much pretending to adore them before that.

I had to confront my mother as I could finally see she was starting to single out one of my DC for emotional abuse dressed up as ‘banter’ as well and getting my siblings to do the same.

I can admit now that my childhood was horrific and I lived in fear literally for my life. I convinced myself my mother strangling me almost to death at age 12 was my fault and I’d pushed her to lose her shit because I was so disgusting and evil. The SA from a sibling was not that bad, all kids ‘experiment’ and despite my sibling being significantly older and bigger than me, it was my fault anyway as I was disgusting and evil. I was conditioned to think that way about myself as the family scapegoat.

Accepting all that was my coping mechanism as I had no way to escape as a child in a dysfunctional family headed by a raging narcissist.

The trigger for my panic attacks was my own DD reaching the age the SA started.

This sounds like a classic example of what the OP is concerned about. If an adult has issues, this is due to issues in their childhood. Such issues are due to dysfunction in their family - i.e. their parents failing them and letting them down.

Its only a small step to then suggest the adult child protects themselves by going low or no contact.

But somehow this doesn’t make anyone feel great. I don’t know a single person who could not look at their childhood and point out times when they felt bad or ignored or their parents didn’t respond in the right way.

Therapists with preconceived ideas that it is always family dysfunction can cause massive harm.

@MargoLivebetter I’m not confused. Right now I feel like I could only be angry if I felt her actions were deliberate. When I was younger I didn’t really think about intentions and I never really considered why she was the way that she was. I was just angry and that was it.

'I was conditioned to think that way about myself as the family scapegoat.
Accepting all that was my coping mechanism as I had no way to escape as a child in a dysfunctional family headed by a raging narcissist.'

What a horrendous experience you've had, and I'm so sorry that you went through that. Therapy is far from offloading to stranger and having them comfort you with 'there there'. It can be bloody painful, confronting, confusing, hard graft, but can also be the best work you will ever do. I'm so glad that you found professional support to start to process everything that was done to you as a child and begin the process of healing

Why waste your one life going over events now in the past, ruminating on negative feelings and actively seeking to blame others. I don’t see the appeal either. Life isn’t perfect for most people so we would do better to make our peace with it.

Ok, from what you said it sounded like you hadn't mentioned anger to the therapist at all. Sounds like the young you felt angry about what happened. So the emotion of anger was there. Surely that's what you tell the therapist?

I have fairly extensive experience of therapists in different modes and in more than one country, and I have never come across one who would ‘suggest’ someone cut contact with their family. That’s not what they do.

OP, you said I’m feeling low about a particular issue and have anxieties about the future

Do you think the approach this therapist is taking with you is at all relevant? Do you feel your relationship with your mother is in any way relevant to the particular issue and your anxiety?

It is like going to a teacher to learn French, but they teach you Spanish instead because that is the only language they know. Then they don't believe you that actually you are already quite good at Spanish so don't need those lessons.

I would drop this therapist and look for another one who can focus more directly on the issue you actually want to address.

Love and hate aren't the only two feelings that exist.. and even when they do exist they don't usually exist alone.
Surely you can examine ways in which your parents have let you down, and surely you can even feel angry, and still love them and understand all the good things they did too?
Why do you assume your therapists wants you to hate your parents just because she's,trying to get you to consider something they did which was wrong?

And I might be stretching here.. but I've had this issue with my own parents that when I was younger and trued to being up anything which upset me it was shut down with 'you hate me don't you?' Or 'go on then hate me'
Which made me feel that if I ever dared to question my parents or have any issue with any of their behaviour then it was the same as hating them and an aggressive act.
It's not.
It's completely valid to be angry at certain things your parents have done and it does not mean you hate them.

I don't know if this resonates with you but you may have internalised this which is why when the therapist was trying to get you to explore this you immediately felt defensive and like you were being forced into hating them.

Feeling angry about something someone did which harmed you, even if it wasn't intentional, is valid and is not a form of hatred. It's OK to feel your emotions.

Well what is the issue?

I feel quite low about something for a long time. Seemingly completely unrelated to my own childhood. But lately when i dig deep everything stems from parental issues which i can't find closure on.

Another therapist here. I’d never insist a client focussed on their relationship with a parent, though in my intake session I do ask about relationships with parents. The reason therapists are interested in relationships with parents is those relationships tend to be the blueprint for our relationships into adulthood. Examining the relational patterns from childhood can give us more options about how we react in the here and now.

If you don’t accept your therapist’s theories (and that’s all a therapist’s opinion can be) you shouldn’t feel obliged to continue talking about it. It’s your therapy. Maybe your therapist has over-invested in a theory about you that doesn’t fit? Maybe they are nudging a bit at the possibility you might be in a double bind: ‘ if mum wasn’t intentionally mean, I don’t have permission to be angry with her’. It’s absolutely normal and acceptable to feel angry whilst knowing we still love and value the person with whom we are angry, and we can feel angry about things that aren’t someone else’s ‘fault’ exactly. Being angry with our nearest and dearest from time to time is quite healthy.