To think therapists want you to hate your parents?

[Dreolady]

I approached a therapist because I’m feeling low about a particular issue and have anxieties about the future: The therapist wants to work on healing my inner child and talking about my childhood. I’m not really sure how it’s linked to the issue I’m currently facing but she thinks I need to do “deeper” work. I trusted her judgement on this but now I feel like she wants me to be angry with my mother. and I don’t know how I feel about that because we have a good relationship.

I know my mother wasn’t the best parent but I think she was limited in her understanding of how to parent and she had a lot of her own traumas and issues to deal with. My therapist feels Im making excuses for her and I need to find my anger in order to heal my inner child.

I spoke to my friend about this and she had the same experience where she felt that her therapist wanted her to hate her parents. Is this common?

I think one off the areas where I disagree with the therapist is on the point that she made about my mother having a choice in all of this and she also said that it’s about her (lack of?) “humanity”. I don’t think my mother is a bad person though, because I have seen enough good in her to know that’s simply not true. Somebody above said that they found therapists too black and white in their thinking and I feel that’s what going on here.

Why do I need to imagine what I would feel if I thought she had acted deliberately to hurt me, when that isn’t how I (who is the only one who knows my mother out of the two of us) see things?

Respectfully, you didn’t experience your sister’s relationship with your mother. You don’t get to deem it ‘lovey’. Siblings with the same parents can in effect have totally different parents — I’m the eldest of five and we all have completely different relationships with our parents, from very close to very low-contact.

@Itissunnysomewhere I think your points are really interesting and valid, I’m sorry to hear about your husbands experiences. I can see how that would be very difficult. I think it is important for any profession to continuously reflect and learn, and be open and receptive to feedback. I do wonder if part of the issue is a lack of information available about what therapy entails before someone begins the process - this does depend on the type of therapy, but I think some people have an idea in their minds of what it will be like which is quite different than the reality. I am a clinical psychologist, I don’t do much direct therapy work anymore (and psychologists are quite lowly regarded in the psychotherapy community!) but the work I do do is heavily trauma focused. I always ensure the person knows what this will entail, and try to walk them through the process before we’ve even started. And of course they are free to stop at any time! However sometimes things can effect us much more than we imagine, no matter how much we think we are informed/prepared beforehand.

You raise a point as well about lack of therapist skill, I wonder if this points to broader issues of qualification and accreditation? I said earlier in the thread about the importance of this, especially given that therapist is not a protected title. I am strongly of the opinion that more job titles should be protected as this means greater levels of regulation. I think that all therapists should engage in continued CPD too as it is so important to keep up to date with skills and practice and not fall into habits and patterns. I have now wildly digressed from the OP but lots to think about and I hope your husband is doing well.

I think that's exactly it

My experience of seeing an actual clinical psychologist was amazing, but I only got 6 sessions.

My experience of therapists etc has been far less impressive and I worry they do at least as much harm as good

The contrast is stark

Respectfully, you are not your sister. Because you considered your mum lovely, doesn’t mean that was true for your sister. You can’t use your own experience to deny that a sibling may see things differently.

From this thread, it seems that therapists don’t deliberately seek family estrangement. But many have a narrative model that issues with relationships in adulthood are due to how the child was parented. The child’s feelings are what they are and they are right in how they feel. And that as a child, they had no agency, but their parents did and have damaged them.

It is not hard to see how this model leads to family estrangement. I find it much more difficult to see why this narrative is ‘healing’ or ‘allows personal growth’. It seems more likely to cut the person off from their family and leave them dependent on the therapist for (paid) support.

Exactly that.

I struggle with exactly the same things except that I emigrated to the UK. So I'm terrified of screwing up my kids' psyche as they're kids of the immigrant mum. And i simply can't bring self to do therapy but i do talk to my oldest friends and DH alot to process my own emotions (free therapy). Please share how you get on.

I do find that 100% of my issues stem from my own family relationships. It's also doubly difficult now one of them has lost their mental capacity so any closure on that front is from myself to myself.

I also think people should be given more choice when it comes to types of therapists/therapy. Of course this is pretty much impossible in the NHS, where you need to be grateful for what you’re given after a 2 year wait! But if people are going private I would really encourage researching the different types of therapy, having an initial consultation with a therapist and not being afraid to ask questions.

Psychodynamic approaches are not for everyone. It could be that other modalities are a better fit.

Cynically I think that’s why.

@Rosscameasdoody Nah.
I saw our childhood, we were together all the time. They were not even slightly bad parents, sister was a happy child and was always loved.
Yes some people definitely have shitty parents.
But not in this case.. Sister loves drama and therapising everything.

it strikes me that there are a lot of very defensive parents on this thread.

@Plastictrees How does a lay person work out what’s the right approach for them and their issues? My therapist was adamant that CBT was not right for me because it doesn’t get to the underlying issues?

@SigmaBead Are you saying that you feel underlying family issues play a part in why you feel scared about things like lack of belonging, lack of community and difficulties with integrating as an immigrant? If so, what do you think is the connection?

But I am talking from the perspective of the child, and I found it harmful, and so did DH (again from the perspective of the child). We both found it odd how we were being pushed to dislike our parents.

Sure - my parents weren't terrible people, yet my brother, with a seemingly perfect life, attempted suicide at 18.

Some kids feel and react differently to the same treatment. Every sibling has a different birth order, individual temperament and unique life experience.

Don't write off your sister's feelings as drama.

You should trust your instinct. CBT helps people to cope with the present and has a strong evidence base of succeeding.

Anecdotally, I had a work colleague who developed significant anxiety. As her manager, I tried to give support and understanding to help her, including time off work and therapy. She then got pregnant with twins. We were very worried as to how she would cope. Instead, she found that her anxiety went away as her attention was focused on the twins, and she felt empowered as if she could cope with them, she could deal with anything.

So in short, the opposite of ruminating on the past.

@SigmaBead You're commenting on someone you don't know.
And it's shit if a parent gets cut off and blamed when they've been good parents, and yes therapists can be partially to blame for that which is what this thread is about.

@Noeasyanswer My issue is anxiety about the future and a worry that I might be messing my children up because of the circumstances I find myself it. There is an element of rumination on the past because my parents were able to give me the thing I can’t now give my children. I wonder if CBT could help with with this

It really depends on your family relationships, experience and own character etc.

Your immigrant background is probably a big part in your case. As an immigrant to UK, I've long given up on trying to truly fit in despite having successfully built a professional life here. I feel like i'm drifting between a few social classes and never belonging to any. My kids are mixed race, so race identity comes into play.

Consider that for your parents and that impact on you. For example, little cultural differences such as I explain to my kids how to be polite, or how i host meals. Maybe that's not how native kids socialise here. And that may have a lasting impact on your confidence and self-worth etc and how you feel you deserve to have an equal spot in your community.

There are other aspects like my mother sent me very mixed messages about feminism my whole life, and was critical to everything (textbook psychology) but that is the mother-daughter aspects. That makes me very confused about my own personal values and choices.

I find this is a strange generalisation, as one of the therapists I've seen have ever pushed me towards any particular feeling, especially not towards my family. My therapist has encouraged me to reframe some of my past when I've been stuck in negative thought processes, sure, but that never comes with blame or anger- usually it means having more sympathy and forgiveness for my younger self, as well as the people around me. My therapist is well aware of how close I am with my mum and how big a part of my support system she is, and she's never tried to change that in any way. She's been supportive when I have had negative feelings towards certain people, based on current happenings as well as the past, but those feelings were entirely my own. I have close friends who have been to therapy for various reasons, and none have ever mentioned feeling pressured to hate their parents because of it.

I have no doubt some therapists do this, and if it makes you uncomfortable it's worth looking for an alternative practitioner or a different model of therapy. For reference, I do a mixed approach to therapy including elements of DBT, transactional analysis, and interpersonal therapy, which I find to be a good mix. The focus on radical acceptance does mean looking at the past when it's relevant, but the overall focus is on how to cope better in the moment and in future.

As I have said, mine are only little but I’m not seeing that. I do know it’s possible for parents and children to have very different versions of you like of what their childhood was like(there’s a really good poem by carol ann Duffy called we remember your childhood well which is on this theme.) I know my dad used to insist we’d had an idyllic childhood and we definitely didn’t!

But I have also come to have so much sympathy and compassion for my own mum since having my own kids and they are much happier more comfortable emotions than anger and resentment. I love her again now. I can’t understand wanting to feel anger rather than understanding or wanting to feel resentment rather than compassion.

@SigmaBead Yes, the experience of being child of immigrants plays a big part in what I’m currently going through. I specifically sought out a therapist with a similar background because I thought she may have some understanding of what experience. Like you I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I do think that can affect self esteem. The issues with my mother also contributed to low self esteem so maybe the therapist feels that working on that might help.

I commented on your view that your sister dramatised an issue when you feel is non-existent. It reminds me of a friend where the youngest child (now middle age and a mother) is an anxious anorexic and lifelong attention seeker because there is really no issue with all other 4 siblings, when their parents seemingly gave all 5 kids a wonderful, equally-loving childhood.

I completely agree with you it is shit if therapy caused a relationship breakdown rather than healing or improving relations.

@Dreolady It depends on the problem you want to be addressed, if it is more straight forward and easily defined (e.g. health anxiety) there will be the current evidence base outlined in NICE guidelines (SIGN and matrix in Scotland). It is also worth having a read around online to research different approaches, there will be research papers too but these aren’t always accessible for a multitude of reasons. It is difficult when the problem is less easy to define, or is multi faceted. Sometimes people just have a sense of what’s wrong - a feeling of disconnection, feeling misunderstood, struggling to connect with others. Of course it is harder to find clear guidance in these instances, and this is where an assessment with an appropriately qualified professional is really needed. Some therapists and psychologists are trained across different modalities and could advise on what could be a good fit in your particular circumstance.

However until you actually engage with the therapy it is not guaranteed how effective it will be, and so much depends on the quality of the therapeutic relationship too. It can be a case of trial and error, but this can be expensive and sometimes serve to make matters worse. Ironically the therapy that can help the most in the long term can feel the most challenging at the time, and it is very normal to want to walk away from it. This is why it’s so important to have an open dialogue with your therapist, and if possible work through any difficulties that arise rather than walk away completely- this can serve to recreate all kinds of unhelpful dynamics. Of course if the therapy really isn’t working for you though then it is totally your prerogative to end it, but there can be a fine line between what feels uncomfortable short term vs helpful long term. I wish you the best with your therapy!