Refusing to eat as a means of control??

[Bluecatblu]

I have recently learnt that SIL will sometimes refuse to eat when she is upset / angry at DB. She will go without food for 1 or 2 days without food or until DB repeated asks her to eat.

Has anyone experienced someone doing this? The refusing food is intentional; she refuses to eat despite being hungry.

A friend says it’s a form of control but another said it’s a form of self abuse.

This is bang on and a very important distinction between where the abuse is being inflicted

Again, it’s a MH issue and I trauma response, it’s not a bloody choice. If it was a choice obviously I would choose to be able to eat and communicate effectively. Honestly people will you please think of what you’re posting before you press post!!

I wanted to highlight your post, you said it well. My DH eats, all the time, if I’m upset I can’t physically eat. Even if I’m hungry. DH doesn’t get it. He would be upset if he couldn’t eat. Food for him is a priority. It isn’t for me.

Im not a happy eater either, where as he is! If there’s food he’ll be there. He could eat a big lunch and a big dinner - I could only eat one and would probably skip breakfast the next day.

I wonder if there’s any research on this?

I'm very sorry for your past.
I presume your DH is aware of your trauma and that you find yourself unable to eat he understands that you are not using it as a tool to manipulate him so that he 'backs down' on any argument.

Exactly. Someone with an eating disorder is usually feeling shame and denial and is secretive.
Your partner backing down on an argument and asking you to eat after a couple of days isn't consistent with EDs

Maybe the SIL has a history of an ED. A recovered person can easily slip back into that mindset in certain situations. There's something else going on though if OP is right in thinking the SIL is using it as a tool to manipulate others. nb I realise EDs can manifest differently in children living at home where parents are involved.

I can’t know my c section recovery was harder for me than my husband but I’ll take a pretty good guess…

Part of an ED can be the euphoria and sense of achievement in 'achieving' certain goals. In the depths of an ED (clearly deep in mental illness) the sufferer may be entirely oblivious to how unwell they are.

Because we’re the one with the illness?? If someone had cancer you’d never say it’s harder on the partner than the sufferer?

Load of balls. Come back when you actually experience a proper mental health issue. When I go into a low I feel awful and suicidal and wish with everything I have that I didn t feel like that. I’ve often said to my husband I would rather go my whole life feeling nothing that feeling that mental pain. Your generalisation and assumptions are embarrassing and damaging.

It very rarely happens, as we wouldn't be in a relationship if we had bad arguments often!
It would take a pretty unpleasant person not to understand when someone is deeply distressed and traumatised by their behaviour, though.

Salary also not so irrelevant because whilst obviously not always the case, but young women who are perfectionist, hard-working, very discipled and self-critical are often more prone to anorexia-type eating disorders.

It is an involuntary way some brains cope with stress. Some people turn to food and comfort eat. Others simply can't eat to save themselves. They are both almost reflex responses and difficult to overcome.

We don't know what the DB is like during arguments. If he, like many men, is shouting, unreasonable, aggressive, insistent, etc., it's an understandable trauma response if SIL can't eat — internalising the attacks on her.

Lots of people (men more than women, but women too) don't realise how aggressive they're being when they argue, so it might be something he's unaware of.

I agree it's unacceptable if the children are seeing this pattern of not eating modelled. The couple should try relationship counselling.

@amiefam luckily I have an exceptionally supportive husband who engages regularly with my psychiatrist and is an amazing man. No I haven’t done this whilst pregnant and I get help with it. My husband understands, unlike you it seems, that it’s not personal and I’m trying my best but it’s like getting a cold or a physical illness that needs care and help. He hasn’t once complained, he knew I had MH issues when he married me and often says I’ve been let down enough in my life without him letting me down too by not being supportive and I’m very grateful to him for that. Hope you find someone as wonderful.

Jesus you’ve asked me like 4 questions in 3 different posts without reply. Calm down. My husband is fine.

I’m going to again assume best intentions here but, basically all parents (and probably siblings) supporting people with an ED have themselves cPTSD, are often described anti depressants and usually need therapy themselves.

Statements like this are the ED talking, but it is very disordered thinking to minimise their experience in this way. The use of “you’d never say…” just means something along the lines of STFU/I don’t want to hear this.

It isn’t obvious to you, but the extent to which the ED dominates your mindset (and therefore every aspect of your life, including your marriage) is very easy to see.

As a thought experiment: you and your husband could each draw a Venn diagram of you/him/ED. Does his version have a section which is just you two, but without the ED?

I see you have since posted that he’s a saint, and implied he doesn’t need support himself. This is more of the ED talking.

Thankyou for your post.

It's helped me understand my past behaviour.

I experienced it exactly as you described.

I would not eat in this situation.

My DH is not a beast, but he is bigger and louder than me.
You've helped me see that this would trigger something deep inside, likely experiences as a child.

I hadn't made the connection but have now.

My DH is not a brute nor an abuser.

I grew up in a household riddled with tension and anxiety and it's only in my later years that I am beginning to learn the connections.

This is like another puzzle piece being slotted into place.

So thank you Cableknitdreams