Refusing to eat as a means of control??

[Bluecatblu]

I have recently learnt that SIL will sometimes refuse to eat when she is upset / angry at DB. She will go without food for 1 or 2 days without food or until DB repeated asks her to eat.

Has anyone experienced someone doing this? The refusing food is intentional; she refuses to eat despite being hungry.

A friend says it’s a form of control but another said it’s a form of self abuse.

My sd does it. She does it more when it's someone else's special day like a birthday meal.
I refused to eat out with her for years as it spoilt it with the sulking, long face and refusing to choose anything off the menu. At home I told her she had to choose 4 meals she liked and I cooked them on repeat for years then she had nothing to complain about.

Not comparable. You don't do it to manipulate anyone. SIL is going on hungerstrike until she gets attention/what she wants. You hear about people going on hunger strike for this and that and I can't help thinking that for adults the only one they're pubishing is themselves and their family. I can't really be bothered by someone I don't know going in hungerstrike for a noble cause. I care more about those who due to lack of means can't eat when hungry.

I would tell DB to ignore her. If she goes on hungerstrike for a couple of days it won't kill her as long as she drinks. If he ignores her she will stop because she's only doing it for attention. I get a teenager doing this to their parents but for a grown up it's really immature.

I agree. This kind of attention seeking is wrong on so many levels.

Couldn't be arsed with that.

God I'd just ignore it, who gives a fuck

No one died missing a couple of days of meals - no non-sick people that is

Maybe she was suffering from anorexia the poor woman. They often like to see other people eat and feed them since they "can't" feed themselves. Weird perhaps, but so are all mh illnesses until you learn about them. Try to have some compassion instead of judging too quickly. Surely she wasn't doing anyone any harm except herself bless her soul.

Harmful to others.

Poor DB - he needs support and therapy for dealing with a manipulative partner.

Yes, my father would occasionally do it. My daughter still does. She has had anorexia, but is now recovered, but will refuse to eat sometimes if she’s upset with me.
Edited to say, sorry, I didn’t mean to quote you.

It isn’t always always about controlling the other person. It is often a form of self sabotage/ punishment. The perpetrator deep down is full of self hatred and the hunger strike is to put them through the uncomfortableness they feel they deserve.

I don’t have a partner so no one notices 😬.

When I was in a coercive controlling relationship I did this. When we eventually divorced I was 6 stone and had malnutrition.. And an open sore on my face.... Are you sure sil is OK in her relationship? OK it's your db but is he a good man ?
My dm had anorexia when I was young. Probably caused by a bad relationship..
.

If a man was behaving like this, the thread would be full of 'LTB' and that's what your DB needs to do, LEAVE!!

🙄

And? There’s another way to frame this isn’t there, how about she discussed something that was concerning her with her close friends?

Totally agree but unfortunately it’s frowned upon for a mother to walk out on her 8 year old 😂

in all seriousness tho it’s totally different a kid doing it as there’s so much that’s not in their control and they don’t have the emotions to deal with situations. Adults should know better and have better coping strategies.

Goodness me these responses. I took a break for a while and now I remember why.

Whether she's doing it to manipulate or as an eating disorder she's clearly not quite well.

I would totally discuss my family with my friends - who do you talk to about stuff otherwise? With my oldest friends we've seen it all together and know each other's families so can relate.

Close friends I made as adult won't even know who I'm talking about but verbal processing and a second opinion is helpful.

OP - your brother shouldn't continue with this tbh. I wonder if there are any eating disorder/ abuse charities he could reach out to for advice.

Thanks for this perspective. Perhaps I need to reflect on this some.

Is it gossiping when talking to a friend about something that concerns you?

Not exactly 'did you hear about her at number 43? She got caught accepting more than letters from the postman!!'

Grow up!

It's not a healthy way for your SIL to manage difficult situations and it is also manipulating your brother. How does he feel about it? Does he have to do whatever she wants/says/demands else she threatens not to eat?

I know this because it’s a behaviour I have often engaged in, not meaning to manipulate anybody but because I’m deeply depressed and convince myself I’m horrible, everything is my fault and I deserve to suffer. Not healthy I know. But it’s too simplistic to reduce it down to one single underlying motive. In a way it’s about control, but controlling what happens to ME, nobody else.

"A friend says it’s a form of control but another said it’s a form of self abuse."

why can it not be both? Has your brother asked for your support/advice?

I think most people would talk about this to friends. It is standard human behaviour to discuss stuff.

When a person feels they have no control over their life due to many factors, the only thing they can actually control is what they choose to put in their mouths.
It’s not necessarily aiming to control another person, but it gives the individual an attempt at controlling something in their lives.
They may have an eating disorder of some kind, but they may not.