Refusing to eat as a means of control??

[Bluecatblu]

I have recently learnt that SIL will sometimes refuse to eat when she is upset / angry at DB. She will go without food for 1 or 2 days without food or until DB repeated asks her to eat.

Has anyone experienced someone doing this? The refusing food is intentional; she refuses to eat despite being hungry.

A friend says it’s a form of control but another said it’s a form of self abuse.

Yes, exactly. For me, it is a form of self harm. I am thinking of absolutely nobody else when I’m doing this. I’m not thinking ‘’haha, this will show him/her’’ I’m thinking ‘’I’m such an awful person, I upset everyone, I deserve this’’. All too often people think other people’s behaviours are about them, but they aren’t. Most people are too busy thinking about themselves in the moment.

Don't be pious. People talk to each other. It's a normal thing to do.

Refusing to eat in private because you are upset is a MH issue.
Refusing food as a performance to display how upset and angry you are at someone else, to control their behaviour, may involve a MH issue but is a form of abuse that affects the other person.

I do this too

Just an additonal perspective. I am not dismissing all the informed views on what's going on. It's just that when I am upset or anxious, my appetite goes right out the window, sometimes to the point where I can barely eat anything.

I am not being difficult, it is just that my stress response is nausea and then it can become a vicious circle.

It’s complex. I can refuse to eat after arguing with someone, but it’s not about manipulating them. I punish myself because I feel bad for upsetting them and messing everything up. Most behaviour isn’t about anybody else. I’m not thinking about abusing anybody else. My motives are about me and me alone.

I have disordered eating. It can follow this pattern.
I'm not punishing anyone, I don't have a partner and live alone.
I dropped 3 dress sizes in less than a year because I was stressed and distressed.
I had control over what I put in my mouth.
My mother was anorexic, hospitalised several times before and after my birth. Her weight is recorded and commented on in my baby medical notes.
If you have been asked for help @Bluecatblu then help, if not then don't interfere. You have no idea how your 'help ' will be perceived if your SIL hasn't asked you.
If your brother asks, signpost him to MH places that deal with eating disorders.
I hope your SIL is alright.

If she's doing it to manipulate then she's controlling. If it were a man doing that people wouldn't jump to him being unwell and saying his victim's family couldn't talk about his awful actions.

If I'm really upset I literally can't eat. If someone else were to make a big deal about it, it would make it a hundred times worse. Everyone who's so quick to say "it's manipulation" - maybe sometimes people just have emotions, and not everything is about you?

Sounds like a mental health issue. Maybe post on mental health board here

I do this..... I've got history of anorexia. I like feeding/ cooking nice meals for my family. Hopefully people don't think I'm a weirdo

Actually I have felt like this too, cannot eat, once I didn't eat for days due to trauma.

That is very, very different to what OP is describing. It is very common to lose your appetite when upset, stressed or anxious and it's common to not want to draw attention to the fact, so someone pointing it out would indeed make it worse.

Not everyone thinks this way, don’t worry. Kind of awful that people are still going around calling people weirdos/mad/nutters etc. It’s them with the issue.

Hopefully they would have some compassion if they realised you were not well, and not think you were a "flipping weirdo"

Yes, dc dad did this more times than I care to admit. He knew I had slaved over it and then wouldn’t eat it over the pettiest things. Would leave without breakfast etc. he would then proceed to tell his family that he didn’t have food to eat (he would miss out the bit that I made him food but he wouldn’t eat it) we had a petty argument once where I said I’m never making you food again and he said I’m never going to eat your food again.
He didn’t eat any food or drink I made for the following three years. Nobody in real life responds when I’ve told them that irl because it’s so unbelievable that someone could be such a twat.

why did I stay in this abusive relationship for so long? Honestly? I don’t know.

That's very common and very normal response to stress. In the short term it's nothing of concern. This is not what OP is describing though.

If I were you, I deliberately eat the most delicious item on the menu, including full on desert and would take great delight in watching her try and pretend she’s not hungry.

What's your AIBU OP?

Are you trying to divert the conversation else where? Have you got any advice for the op that could help her approach her sil or brother?

A lot of posters who starts threads uses AIBU to get traffic and hopefully get an answer to their question. A lot of AIBU threads are used for traffic and not necessarily about whether they are being unreasonable or not.

Oh I don’t know, she sounds desperately sad. I often can’t face food when I’m down or depressed

She's describing it as a third party based on the reports of the woman's husband who is her brother. I'm not saying you are not right. I am suggesting caution is required before expressing what is going on with the SIL.

Yes my sil when she wasn't getting her own way it ended a lot quicker when the behaviour was ignored thankfully she's out grown that now. She mainly did it when pregnant as it bothered people more and she got a lot of attention from it now nobody cares if she eats or not she stopped doing it.

Yes dc stopped doing it when he realised it no longer bothered me .