Refusing to eat as a means of control??

[Bluecatblu]

I have recently learnt that SIL will sometimes refuse to eat when she is upset / angry at DB. She will go without food for 1 or 2 days without food or until DB repeated asks her to eat.

Has anyone experienced someone doing this? The refusing food is intentional; she refuses to eat despite being hungry.

A friend says it’s a form of control but another said it’s a form of self abuse.

It’s usually in the aftermath of an argument, when she is upset and will refuse to eat.

She has self esteem issues. I never put them together until a previous poster mentioned a link.

Yes, he is pretty much fed up with the situation with his wife. No one is happy. He is conflicted about what to do because of their children

I can't eat if I'm upset by confrontation, I feel sick if I try. It's because I was abused as a child by different adults either forcing me to eat or withdrawing food, while being physically and verbally aggressive.

So, if my DH was raising his voice or confrontational or similar, it would take me back to that time, I'd be overwhelmed by distress and unable to eat without retching, until things were resolved.

Nothing to do with manipulation, more fear and trauma.

How does he even know she is going without food. Presumably they don't see each other all day. She could easily be eating when out. I would ignore it if I was him.

Control over her own body, because it feels like that's all that's left, all that is possible. It's not about controlling the other person in the argument, more a case of despair and giving up the argument.

@Bluecatblu poor child, having a mother who treats their child like that! making the child scared is not good!

I would say its self abuse if she is annoyed at something she's done or has failed so stops eating but because it is DP has done something then I strongly feel control and manipulating a very unhealthy relationship

Yes, you would think that, but if a person has negative self beliefs then they take everything to heart even when they are not at fault, so even though it might start as an argument over something someone else has done, quite often the person will blame themselves, especially if they are made out to be in the wrong by the other person.

It depends on context really, but from a personal perspective, I have never refused to eat to punish and manipulate another person, it’s always about how I feel worthless and deserving of punishment, and many people do it for the same reasons. It’s not all about wanting to control how another person reacts.

Ah would it be? Jesus I never thought of that!!!!!!

im trying to learn. Again, it’s a MH issue and I trauma response, it’s not a bloody choice. If it was a choice obviously I would choose to be able to eat and communicate effectively. Honestly people will you please think of what you’re posting before you press post!!

No it’s not.

Yes and yes. Six figure salary job in my 20s. 1 son. 1 one the way. Trying to get better through therapy.

My ex would attempt to manipulate me with this. If I was at all annoyed with him he would get “so upset I can’t eat or sleep”, then be incapable of being around the children as he felt “so upset and dizzy”. Horrible behaviour from a grown adult.

Maybe the salary is not irrelevant. Often high paid jobs are also high pressured jobs. When it comes to certain types of mental health issues I think that it makes a difference.

I bet you're glad he's your ex!

But even then it is still problematic:

• It’s dragging others into your self harm.
• it’s making them watch you self harm
• in this case, it is now a multi-generational issue

Whilst refusing to engage with the professional help needed, or to even acknowledge that it is a problem.

I’m really sorry to come back to this, but again your words are giving it away.

Loads of people on the thread have repeatedly said that they have experienced the dynamic, have found it upsetting and manipulative, and in some cases part of a pattern of abuse.

With those three words you have utterly dismissed their experiences as (a) wrong in their perception of their own lives and (b) inconsequential.

It is so beyond unreasonable that you presume to get to control the narrative, and limit the words people get to use to describe their own lives.

In the spirit of assuming best intentions I think you mean something closer to “I hadn’t realized the extent to which others find this dynamic very upsetting to be around, or the extent to which they experience it as coercive. Notwithstanding that, I do recognize that it is unhealthy and am actively working to stop.”

It does come across that you don’t really understand why this is a problem, or even truly believe it is one.

If it's a mh issue as in anorexia the person would do everything to AVOID people noticing them not eating. "See how upset you made me, now I won't eat!" The latter is manipulation and has nothing to do with mh. Well, it affects the other person's mh negatively that's for sure...

I’m talking from experience. Trust me however it’s hurting the partner, it’s hurting the person who can’t eat more. It’s mental anguish. I know it hurts my husband that doesn’t mean I can stop the feeling that I can’t eat. The same way if I cut my hand and it bleeds on a white carpet; I know the damage it’ll do but I can’t make it just stop bleeding because of that.

That’s different though that’s making a scene about it and purposely trying to generate physical side effects. For people like me it’s a genuine mental health issue and we feel unable to eat and do it quietly.