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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I'm beautiful NOW

378 replies

BlueSilverCats · 02/12/2024 17:10

I have very slowly been losing weight. Mum has been making comments but I mostly downplayed it, not looking for compliments or mentioning it or anything.

Today she told me I'm actually beautiful now. Jeese... thanks mum. Only took 30 something years.

Every time she moaned at me for being fat it was always followed by "of course it's mainly about health". No , it's not. At least not to her.

OP posts:
amiefam · 02/12/2024 19:09

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101Nutella · 02/12/2024 19:10

YANBU.
the only intrusive conversations re weight and appearance are from my mum/ others of her generation. (Baby boomer gen).

there is always an assumption that as a woman you are dieting and have an opinion on diets. And want to label food as naughty /skip food if going out for a meal later or that you can’t possibly need lunch. Also a lot of time is spent discussing it. They are also mainly on diets.

but I think it’s just acceptable small talk for them and probably looking for common ground. I just ignore it, rarely I’ll correct it. I don’t pin my worth to appearance or male gaze, I pin it to academic achievement which is its OWN type of NONSENSE!! But I guess every generation has its quirks and influences!

itsmylife7 · 02/12/2024 19:12

Bafflingpineapplecow · 02/12/2024 17:57

Same with my boomer mum. Posted a picture online holding up an award, my mother's prompt comment "well done you've never looked so slim" 🫤 how, in God's name, is that the only thing to complement me on?? It's very much weight tied to worth under the guise of "I'm only worried about your health"

Your Mums just not a great Mum.
Nothing to do with her age 😉

PinkArt · 02/12/2024 19:13

Marsaala · 02/12/2024 19:05

I'm really confused by this thread. You've lost weight and you look beautiful now. Is that not good? Being overweight often hides facial contours etc.

I'm sorry but I really don't understand the upset on this thread.

Because it's incredibly hurtful when someone you hope loves you unconditionally doesn't think you're always beautiful. I can't begin to imagine everything saying to my nieces they look beautiful 'now'.

Eyresandgraces · 02/12/2024 19:13

@BlueSilverCats I totally understand you.

I’ve always been slim. However after unexplained weight loss of 9 kgs I was diagnosed with incurable but fortunately slow developing blood cancer.
Dm told me that whilst it must be tough to have cancer she would love the weight loss. She actually envied me!

OPsSockpuppet · 02/12/2024 19:16

Why are so many people pretending there’s no such thing as societal attitudes that change over time? No one is saying every single person born in the 40s and 50s makes awful comments about weight. People are saying that more people are more aware of those unhelpful tendencies now and are trying to break down those links that weren’t generally questioned as much at the time.

amiefam · 02/12/2024 19:17

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OriginalUsername2 · 02/12/2024 19:19

I’d give your mum the benefit of the doubt. We’re practically born with these shitty standards put upon us, it’s deeply ingrained.

When I lost weight my MIL made sure to find flaws in the way I looked and make me feel crap, especially if anyone else complimented me. I think your mum is trying to be nice but is unintentionally projecting the shitty standards that were put upon her.

justasking111 · 02/12/2024 19:22

LookItsMeAgain · 02/12/2024 17:47

Well done on the weight loss.
Your mother is horrible to have said that to you.

It's nothing your GP, consultants aren't encouraged to tell patients these days. 🤷‍♀️

Lelophants · 02/12/2024 19:24

pumpkinpillow · 02/12/2024 18:20

If people have lost weight for health reasons then surely it is a positive thing.

Show quote history

Of course but that’s not always the case. It also implies the person has been looking at their body and noticing these things. You wouldn’t tell an overly skinny person “oh good you’ve put some weight on!”

LindtCurves · 02/12/2024 19:25

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 02/12/2024 18:16

I think it's true that people often look their most attractive in the healthy weight range, but that doesn't mean that they looked unattractive when they weren't! Some large women are very beautiful - Dawn French for instance was stunning.

Edited

Well! My mum has always wanted me to be chubby?!

As a teen I took up performance sport and lost a lot of weight, being in the lower end of normal BMI range, and I distinctly remember her saying: “You’re also uglier in the face now!”

WTAF?

For context I’m one of these women that looks quite nice slightly overweight, hourglass figure and round cheeks sort, but I used to be overweight and she didn’t seem to accept an athletic and lean version of me.

I’ve squarely told all family that commenting on people’s appearance is rude now and they seem to have fallen in line.

Lelophants · 02/12/2024 19:26

justasking111 · 02/12/2024 19:22

It's nothing your GP, consultants aren't encouraged to tell patients these days. 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

“Oh you look beautiful now.” This is what was said. No health professional should be saying that.

With regards to her mum, how about - you were always beautiful but now you look so happy and healthy you’re glowing.

Lelophants · 02/12/2024 19:28

Eyresandgraces · 02/12/2024 19:13

@BlueSilverCats I totally understand you.

I’ve always been slim. However after unexplained weight loss of 9 kgs I was diagnosed with incurable but fortunately slow developing blood cancer.
Dm told me that whilst it must be tough to have cancer she would love the weight loss. She actually envied me!

This is hideous. I’m so sorry.

Lifeomars · 02/12/2024 19:30

well done on the weight loss, I am sure you have always been beautiful then and now. I can imagine just how hurtful your mum's comments are and I am sorry

Lelophants · 02/12/2024 19:32

SabreIsMyFave · 02/12/2024 18:09

This. ^ It's a bit shit, but it's the way many people are. I have lost 2 and a half stone in the past 6-7 months, and I have lost count of the amount of people who have said I look soooo much better, healthier, younger, and prettier. And also how much better my clothes look on me now. I get more attention and politeness from men too now I have a slimmer figure.

Fact is though, it's true. I look way better. And I feel it. I dress in nice clothes now, instead of over sized baggy ones because I hate my body/being fat. I make more effort with my hair and make up, and yes I do look younger.

I have experienced the kind of thing the OP is experiencing though. Certain family members commenting on my weight, and having to have a pop at me when I got a bit fatter. I even had some people having a go when I was only 9 stone, and rose to 10 stone.

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And although this is all true, just makes you think of how they thought you didn’t look that great before. Just unnecessary.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 02/12/2024 19:33

LindtCurves · 02/12/2024 19:25

Well! My mum has always wanted me to be chubby?!

As a teen I took up performance sport and lost a lot of weight, being in the lower end of normal BMI range, and I distinctly remember her saying: “You’re also uglier in the face now!”

WTAF?

For context I’m one of these women that looks quite nice slightly overweight, hourglass figure and round cheeks sort, but I used to be overweight and she didn’t seem to accept an athletic and lean version of me.

I’ve squarely told all family that commenting on people’s appearance is rude now and they seem to have fallen in line.

Show quote history

Awful when it turns into what you 'should' look like! Good idea to tell the lot of them back off.
I am one of those women too who can look good somewhat overweight, but I have my limits.

Gabitule · 02/12/2024 19:33

Yeah, parents can be awkward and backwards, especially as they’re getting older. I’m sure it all comes from a place of love…

God, I’d kill to have a mother :(

mnreader · 02/12/2024 19:35

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Trendyname · 02/12/2024 19:37

Didimum · 02/12/2024 17:54

We’re allowed to talk in shorthand on internet forums. I’m not writing a report for Panorama.

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The word 'some' changes the meaning here.

AngelinaFibres · 02/12/2024 19:38

Coolasfeck · 02/12/2024 17:28

I think the ‘boomer’ generation had a better attitude towards weight than younger generations who are ‘body positive’ and kid themselves that you can be fat and fit.

The size of some younger people is almost unbelievable. The ‘boomers’ will outlive many of them. Sometimes the gentle approach doesn’t work and you just need to tell your loved one they are getting too big.

I’d be as upset if my kids were obese as if they had started smoking.

This. Being fat is incredibly unhealthy. The age at which people died has been steadily increasing. The millennial generation is predicted to be the first to buck that trend and many will die before their parents . Body positivity has led people to believe that being fat is fabulous. It isn't. It will kill you.

BeTwinklyKhakiPanda · 02/12/2024 19:39

Didimum · 02/12/2024 17:20

I think the boomer generation has some really ingrained and sad mentalities regarding weight. They’re a product of the messaging they grew up with.

Edited

I think you should consider how ageist that sounds. Not all boomers have the same attitudes

Original poster
BlueSilverCats · 02/12/2024 19:39

Eyresandgraces · 02/12/2024 19:13

@BlueSilverCats I totally understand you.

I’ve always been slim. However after unexplained weight loss of 9 kgs I was diagnosed with incurable but fortunately slow developing blood cancer.
Dm told me that whilst it must be tough to have cancer she would love the weight loss. She actually envied me!

Jesus! I'm so sorry Flowers

OP posts:
OctopusFriend · 02/12/2024 19:40

Didimum · 02/12/2024 17:20

I think the boomer generation has some really ingrained and sad mentalities regarding weight. They’re a product of the messaging they grew up with.

Edited

Oh just stop it with your ageism. How offensive.

pumpkinpillow · 02/12/2024 19:40

Lelophants · 02/12/2024 19:24

Of course but that’s not always the case. It also implies the person has been looking at their body and noticing these things. You wouldn’t tell an overly skinny person “oh good you’ve put some weight on!”

Show quote history

Of course that happens. During a very difficult time in my life, I lost a lot of weight. Close friends spoke to me about it, and a few others made little quips which were awkward. The same genuinely concerned friends then remarked when I looked healthier. More people remarked after I'd put the weight back on that they had noticed I'd lost a lot of weight.

NecklessMumster · 02/12/2024 19:40

I'm struggling with the boomer comments here too. I'm just within the cohort, born early 60s. I started reading feminist theory since the mid 1970s and have always been aware/resisted the pressures on women to be thin. I don't see that much difference nowadays. There's always been a type of woman who puts other women down and is scared of being fat/obsessed with appearance, and I'm sorry for those of you who have had this from your mothers. But I don't feel it's 'boomer' and yes I am aware of societal changes.