Is it normal to buy ex husband a Xmas present from kids

[Itsbeginningtolookalot]

General opinions on this one please.

Just had a text from ex MIL asking if I am getting ex husband a present from the kids for Xmas.

Things aren't on good terms and she is aware of this, he has been awful to me! We separated a year ago, divorced in August. Just wondering what other people do...

I do it but I would rather not. I do it to for my DD only.

Can’t your MIL do it though?

I don’t.

My parents helped the kids buy me presents when they were little. Ex never would. I helped them buy for him. He doesn't deserve it, he's a cheating arse who pissed off and left me too it but THEY know they need / want to get him something and his parents wouldn't think of it. It's for them, not him.

Will she be sending him a text suggesting he gets you a present from the kids??

That's a lovely idea xmil, I shall let the kids know you are going to start that as a tradition for the, for mum and dad 🤩

I usually do it he doesn’t get one for me from DD. He never bothered to get me a present when we were married either. This year I am tempted not to bother but that feels mean to my DD as no one else would help her sort something and she’s ASD so wouldn’t think to get him something right up to the point where it came to gift exchange and she had nothing, then she’d be sad.

I always buy ExH a present for his birthday and Christmas from our DC. I hate doing it and he never does it back but I'm too much of a wimp to not actually do it as DC enjoy choosing something for him.

Given he has been awful to you I would let your ex MIL know that no you’re not planning on getting him a present but she is welcome to go ahead and do so.

This^ I think I'd only do it if you think he's likely to also do it in good faith. If he's not then I'd reply and say that you feel its best you each sort out presents for yourselves from the children but if she wants to get a present from dgc for her ds then she's welcome to.

I don't buy anything for my ex from ds and I wouldn't want him to buy me anything from ds either but then he doesn't see ds either so it's maybe a bit different.

How old are the kids? If they can sort their own just give them the money for it, if not I'd help them. It's about the kids

A friend of mine always gets gifts from the kids. It's not about her feelings. It's about the kids relationship with their dad. It's the kind and right thing to do.

Same for his birthday and father's day.

And yes her ex was a dick but she is being the bigger person.

Can you ask her to sort it? I assume the DC will want to give him a present. Obviously it will be nice if he sorts something for you too

She’s asking so that if you’re not going to it, she will. Let her.
Just tell her no, you didn’t think it appropriate after everything that has happened, for you to be buying him presents.
Obviously if she wants take the dc out Xmas shopping, that’s fine.

I do. I silently begrudge it but my DC want to and I have no valid reason to say no

I did for the first Christmas after I split from the exH then thought fuck that he's not a nice person. Instead i spoke to the kids about Christmas being really special for children and that's what was important to parents. Tell your EX mil that your financial position is different so no you won't be thank you very much. Pigs in blankets to buy n all that jazz

Take her question at face value, yes or no, not as the passive aggressive suggestion if probably is.

"I hadn't thought of it yet, you're welcome to do it."

Difficult to say without knowing your MIL. Is she asking so that she will do it if you aren’t?

We do here but we are (mostly) amicable so I suppose that does make a difference. DCs are not old enough to buy presents themselves. Never from me tho- just the DC.

I always did until they were old enough to do it themselves. To be fair, I always buy him one from me too (and his girlfriend) but they are nice and haven't treated me badly.

Yes and vice versa.That's what good coparenting looks like.

I did but ex mil took it over buying her son expensive gifts "from the children" which he would invariably flash around infront of me and the children putting their efforts to shame for a couple of years I bought him a stollen cheap and effective token gift mil tried saying I must have been bought it as a gift until ds mentioned "mum hates marzipan dad knows that" (yes she sniped about me infront of the kids ds1 got fed up) the following year ds didn't want to bother with a gift because he didn't buy me anything from them so it was pointless I did the whole we don't give to receive speech but he said no so it's a no

I dont as my ex asked me not to.

My DC love choosing gifts for me and their dad for birthdays, Xmas, mothers/fathers day. They love to see us opening the gifts and thanking them. They're a bit older now and just need a little help but we've always done it.

It's got nothing to do with my relationship with him and what sort of person I think he is, it's teaching the DC the joy of giving, how to choose thoughtful gifts and supports their relationship with him.

This year for ex's birthday I helped DS(9) bake and ice a cake for his dad. I don't like the guy at all but DS benefitted so much from this experience, both the baking and also presenting it to his dad with a candle and seeing him enjoy eating it.

What I definitely wouldn't do is go out and choose a present, wrap it and say it's from the DC. If they were too young to be involved in any way I wouldn't bother but by the age of 3 they could have some input.

This is what I did until they were old enough to go shopping themselves. I hated doing it but I didn't want my dc turning up empty handed to their dads at Xmas and feeling awkward.