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Original poster

Is it normal to buy ex husband a Xmas present from kids

125 replies

Itsbeginningtolookalot · 01/12/2024 21:21

General opinions on this one please.

Just had a text from ex MIL asking if I am getting ex husband a present from the kids for Xmas.

Things aren't on good terms and she is aware of this, he has been awful to me! We separated a year ago, divorced in August. Just wondering what other people do...

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 02/12/2024 09:42

StarDolphins · 01/12/2024 21:22

Can’t your MIL do it though?

This. I'd suggest that to her until they're old enough to do it themselves.

Mama2many73 · 02/12/2024 12:43

Does he buy for you from the kids?
If no, then no I wouldn't do it because the precedent has been set.
He can't expect it for him if he's not willing to do it for you.
Nothing stopping GM taking them out to choose something.

Stressymadre · 02/12/2024 12:57

I do for Xmas, birthday and father's day (also did it for the birth of their new half sibling - that was by far the hardest thing i had to do). I do it for the kids... it's not their fault their dad treated me like absolute crap. He skipped on year as he was furious with me for starting seeing someone (the irony being that our marriage ended as he had 3 affairs!). The children were really upset and it was horrible to see. He did at least realise and has stepped back up.

rosa17 · 02/12/2024 13:01

I used to for my children when they were younger. I did it for them not for ex (who's an abusive bully) because otherwise they worried. I also made sure they had money for my presents as there's no way he'd ever reciprocate. Once I accepted he was always going to be an arsehole I just looked at what made the children happiest.

Sanch1 · 02/12/2024 13:09

I did until he got a new wife, and now I assume if they do anything she arranges it, I dont anymore. But....... he is/wasnt a particularly nasty piece of work so I dint mind and did it for the kids, I think in your situation I'd get ex MIL to sort it if she things its necessary.

thecherryfox · 02/12/2024 13:16

I separated from my abusive ex during pregnancy. As our son is old enough to understand now about occasions/Christmas etc I don’t want him to question why I don’t get gifts on the behalf of our son for his dad even though his dad does it for me. It kills me each time I have to do it.

what I tend to do is get a gift voucher for a restaurant or activity so he can do it with our son. It means I don’t have to think about it, but our son still benefits. It drives me insane though considering he pays minimal maintenance and the amount he pays basically means that gift I buy is covered by the maintenance so I’m down a more than a weeks money

Pistachiochiochio · 02/12/2024 13:20

Snowdrop17 · 01/12/2024 22:36

I do, but this thread has made me realise "why the hell should I?" He cheated, is re-married, is awful to me and doesn't do the same for me. DC is 14 next year, so shall be stopping.

You did it for the kids, so they could give their dad a present

Isthisreasonable · 02/12/2024 13:26

Primary school always had a morning where the kids could do their Xmas shopping from a selection provided by the PTA. You sent dc with a couple of quid for each present and they came home with wrapped and labelled presents. Job done.

Now in late teens dc remembers that I always facilitated a present for their dad but that he never helped them buy for me. These little things don't go unnoticed. Nowadays I get very thoughtful gifts from dc, their father gets socks.

TriangleLight · 02/12/2024 13:30

I did. Well helped them to choose and paid. Now I just remind them

lljkk · 02/12/2024 13:42

My kids are all adult size & earning. Me & xH both nag them heartily to use their own earnings to buy us small gifts for occasions. This mostly yields no gifts but we have satisfied our consciences.

I even have standing requests, very specific, for things I'd like each of them to buy me. Like student DD is supposed to buy me ring(s) from charity shops. I like wearing rings but I lose them often; I won't mind the loss so much if it benefited a charity & she can afford £2 an item, and she likes shopping. She sent me a necklace from Amazon instead, sigh, that I can't put on by myself.

ELMhouse · 02/12/2024 13:42

Goodness this thread has made me so sad, so many women do this for their Ex’s but it seems so few reciprocate.

I get that you are saying ‘it’s for the kids’, and ‘the kids love gifting their dad a present’ but honestly what is this teaching your children, that women will do nice things and put time and effort into gifts for ExH but men don’t have to do this and won’t do this for their ExW (the children’s mother).

i understand the gesture but you guys need to give your heads a wobble!

have the children make something if it’s important they ‘gift’ their dad something but you have to try to stop feeding into this narrative of men vs women and women basically being walked all over. I also understand the ‘we don’t give to receive’ message but the alarming amount of women on this thread who receive nothing back, this cannot be a good message for your kids.

imho I dont think it’s healthy in the long term.

SwallowsAmazons · 02/12/2024 13:43

Yes despite being on awful terms. It is for the children and it is important for them to do so I let them choose a few cheap bits.

StormingNorman · 02/12/2024 13:58

You wouldn’t be doing it for him, you do it for your DC. They will want to be able to give him something.

Doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with it:

Socks the wrong size
Chocolates or beers he doesn’t like
Snappy Snaps mug with a picture of the children

ItGhoul · 02/12/2024 14:10

I personally think that, regardless of how each parent feels about the other, they should arrange a present from the children to the other parent (assuming the children have a relationship with the other parent of course). I would hate to be arranging a present for an ex too, but I think it's just the decent thing to do for the sake of the child. It doesn't have to be anything big - just a gift that the child can give so they don't feel bad about not giving mummy/daddy a present.

caringcarer · 02/12/2024 14:39

DarkDarkNight · 01/12/2024 21:25

Given he has been awful to you I would let your ex MIL know that no you’re not planning on getting him a present but she is welcome to go ahead and do so.

This.

LoquaciousPineapple · 02/12/2024 16:25

How old is the child? If they're old enough to want to get their dad a present, I would help facilitate it (taking them to the shop, vaguely guiding them, paying if they don't have pocket money etc).

If they're too young for that, no way would I bother.

Danielle9891 · 03/12/2024 17:46

I do but it's for my children only. I used to love giving presents to my parents when I was a child, my children love to do so too.

Elle2018 · 03/12/2024 18:05

Pandasnacks · 01/12/2024 21:26

How old are the kids? If they can sort their own just give them the money for it, if not I'd help them. It's about the kids

This in spades.

Havinganamechange · 03/12/2024 18:19

I personally wouldn’t, can’t your MIL buy it with them and give it from them?

Mrsgreen100 · 03/12/2024 18:31

Omg no
having spent 20 years buying gifts for my daughter birthday and Christmas
my ex never had a thing to do with it
just loved writing on the labels though
love papa fuck that
he also helped himself to her savings account ( I’d done for uni or house help for her )
oh and gifted himself 1000 for Christmas by hacking my account etc
wish I’d never been party to making him look like a good father by buying gifts and putting up with all the rest of the huge pile of shit

Pixiedust88 · 03/12/2024 18:34

We never did it for my husbands ex off his daughter. She’s got her own husband to buy her things off the kids

exaltedwombat · 03/12/2024 18:40

It indicates to the children that, whatever else has happened, they still have a father. Suck it up, I think.

MarvellousMonsters · 03/12/2024 18:45

Itsbeginningtolookalot · 01/12/2024 21:21

General opinions on this one please.

Just had a text from ex MIL asking if I am getting ex husband a present from the kids for Xmas.

Things aren't on good terms and she is aware of this, he has been awful to me! We separated a year ago, divorced in August. Just wondering what other people do...

Is she volunteering to help them sort it for you? I helped my kids get their dad a Christmas present when they were young, now they are older they do it, but it was important to them that they got him a present, so I helped them. But if my MIL had volunteered to do it I would've been very happy with that

RachelHRD · 03/12/2024 18:45

I give my 2 teens £5 to spend on their Dad combined for Xmas and bdays, I always get some Poundland tat so I'm not spending more than that. It's the thought that counts!! He was shit at present buying before we split so my expectations have always been very low! He also gets very cheap Aldi cards.....

Cluckycluck · 03/12/2024 18:57

I do. There was an occasion where he didn't do the same for me and I called him up on it. He was told I don't do it because I like him its because DD loves doing it, however, if he wasn't going to reciprocate then I would tell DD that we weren't doing it anymore as he didn't want to.

He has arranged gifts for every occasion since.