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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it normal to buy ex husband a Xmas present from kids

125 replies

Itsbeginningtolookalot · 01/12/2024 21:21

General opinions on this one please.

Just had a text from ex MIL asking if I am getting ex husband a present from the kids for Xmas.

Things aren't on good terms and she is aware of this, he has been awful to me! We separated a year ago, divorced in August. Just wondering what other people do...

OP posts:
WillowTit · 02/12/2024 07:05

i would take them shopping to buy a present for him

JustWalkingTheDogs · 02/12/2024 07:06

I didn't. Ask yourself he he will buy you a gift from the dc?

HPandthelastwish · 02/12/2024 07:09

I buy DDs dad, gf and baby a gift (there was no cross over). I resent every penny I spend on him but I like his GF and she and her family include DD as if she were part of the family and she gets gifts from the gf mum , dad and sister which is lovely and I enjoy having a toddler to buy for. DD generally picks a box of chocolates for her dad and his gf or a voucher to Pizza Hut.

He always gets me a token present too.

eekwhatnow · 02/12/2024 07:12

Oh please do. I still remember being utterly humiliated because I didn't have a present for my Dad at Christmas. Really stuck with me.

GreyCarpet · 02/12/2024 07:16

eekwhatnow · 02/12/2024 07:12

Oh please do. I still remember being utterly humiliated because I didn't have a present for my Dad at Christmas. Really stuck with me.

This, OP.

You're doing it for the children's benefit, not his.

If my relationship with him had been completely incompatible with gift giving, then I'd have suggested it was something his parents did but I saw it as just one of the things I did for my children.

SwanSongMoggy · 02/12/2024 07:17

Yes I do. Over the years I've given (via DC) professional framed photos of the DC, kitchenware, and a few other things which he would have / could have found genuinely useful. I've never received anything and he's never thanked me or the DC.

As they grew older the DC started choosing things to gift him (birthday and Christmas), and a couple of years ago DC then 11 chose a game (Headbandz I think it was) and DC then 9 chose a Lynx Africa gift set.

Their father was less than impressed, was rude to them about the gifts, and gave them short shrift. I'm grateful that he's finally shown our children exactly who he is.

Now it's turned into something of a game for the DC, and last Christmas they chose him some things in poor taste ("19 Crimes" red wine, and a tube of toothpaste (apparently he has bad teeth)).

Rewis · 02/12/2024 07:18

Do you think that was her being passive aggressive or was it genuine question?

You say things are not good, but is this something you could communicate about and agree eith your ex? If not, hen I'd text back exmil saying "we haven't really discussed if we will do that to each other. Do you know if he will be buying one of me? If not then we could agree that the gift to us from kids could be purchased by our own extended family"

Whyherewego · 02/12/2024 07:19

Onlycoffee · 01/12/2024 21:31

Take her question at face value, yes or no, not as the passive aggressive suggestion if probably is.

"I hadn't thought of it yet, you're welcome to do it."

This is perfect.
Otherwise take them to a really shit shop and encourage them to buy some tat. I did that one year

JingleB · 02/12/2024 07:24

Does he get something from you? If so, yes, take them shopping for a gift.

If not, great - one fewer thing to do!

isthesolution · 02/12/2024 07:32

I'd reply 'thanks for checking. No I haven't taken DD shopping to buy (exh) a gift but you are more than welcome to do that if you'd like to'

WillowTit · 02/12/2024 07:36

does mil take your dc out?
that would be ideal, if she took them shopping

SauvignonBlonk · 02/12/2024 07:37

When DD was little there was a gift for ex from Poundland (when the stuff in there cost a pound). I don’t think he ever helped DD get something for me. I wasn’t ever doing it for his benefit anyway.
She has so little respect for him, all his own doing.

Neveragain35 · 02/12/2024 07:41

It sounds like she’s offering to do it, so I would let her! The suggested replies up thread are perfect.

When the DC were little I helped them choose something for him, usually just socks or some random bit of tat. I also gave them money to choose something for me, as I knew he would never do it.

Itissunnysomewhere · 02/12/2024 07:45

How old are they? I'd let your MIL do it if she's offering

When mine were tiny I had no money (their dad left me paying all mortgage and nursery costs and refused to pay maintenance) and often skipped meals to ensure they didn't go without. So we made presents for everyone (eg. Calendars where you stick a little calendar onto a picture) and gave their dad one.

Once they were older he had a girlfriend/partner and I figured it was her job to sort it!

But if they had ever asked for my help/money I would have helped them.

backtoschoolsnot · 02/12/2024 07:45

I do as it's "from" them not me - though will be insisting kids use their own money this year as spent £50+ on his birthday and Christmas last year from them and didn't even get a phone call on my last birthday when he happened to have the kids. Wanker.

notacooldad · 02/12/2024 07:48

Every (ex) relationship is different.
First of all mum should keep her nose out.
I have friends who would rather stick pins in their eyes than spend a fiver on the ex. I have another friend, and I kid you not, has two ex round for Christmas dinner. One is the father of the children,, the other is an expartner who was in the children's life for a significant time. She gets on fine with them both and both would be alone on Christmas day. Maybe not what I would want but each to their own.

I suppose it delends on how awful things have been between you. After all he is still their dad and kids like buying surprises for their parents, even if it just a Toblerone.

Bummler · 02/12/2024 07:49

I do but we are on good terms. I have a budget of around 30€ so it's never anything big and fancy and our son chooses it. It's normally a few little things like socks and a mug and some biscuits.

RabbitsEatPancakes · 02/12/2024 07:56

I think its normal in amicable splits if there's no one else to do so.

My parents did gifts for each other from me at Xmas, birthday and mothers/ fathers day. They split when I was 4 so perhaps it was partly about still teaching me to give as well as receive. They were quite good gifts too, I remember getting my dad a samsonite briefcase one year!

ChristmasFluff · 02/12/2024 07:58

I have always been on good terms with the ex-H, but I didn't buy presents for Xmas/Birthday from son, and vice versa. In fact, I used to get Fathers Day and Birthday cards for son to give him, but then noticed this wasn't reciprocated, so I stopped.

Every relationship is different, so if your first instinct is 'no', then it's fine to honour that this year.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/12/2024 08:06

Everydayimhuffling · 02/12/2024 06:42

I would reply with, "I wasn't planning to, but I can if he is planning to help them choose a present for me."

Why should you do it unilaterally? It'll also prompt her if she hasn't sent that message to him. If he's not doing it for you, then I wouldn't do it for him unless the children actually ask you to.

Perfect reply

I take dd shopping to get her dad a couple of small presents as she wants to get him something - fair enough

She knows he prob won't me , didn't for my bday , so for my birthday a friend took her to get me stuff and will prob do the same for Xmas as she wants to give me stuff

jannier · 02/12/2024 09:27

Depends on the age of the child....a few pounds to choose something from the pound shop maybe or if younger a homemade picture or card. Or if she's willing say to her maybe she could take them to buy gifts for both of you if you both agree to send her a set amount.

Hankunamatata · 02/12/2024 09:32

Depends what the kids want to do.

TravellingSpoon · 02/12/2024 09:34

I did. Now I give my DD (16) the money and she buys a gift from her and her brother.

TravellingSpoon · 02/12/2024 09:35

He does the same, so its not a one sided arrangement.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 02/12/2024 09:36

Dds dad and I split when she was 5. I have always made sure she had gifts for Xmas, birthday. Father's day etc.

It's not about you or him. It is about the kids.

Him being an arse is irrelevant imo because you should be putting that aside and doing what is best for the kids.