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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it normal to buy ex husband a Xmas present from kids

125 replies

Itsbeginningtolookalot · 01/12/2024 21:21

General opinions on this one please.

Just had a text from ex MIL asking if I am getting ex husband a present from the kids for Xmas.

Things aren't on good terms and she is aware of this, he has been awful to me! We separated a year ago, divorced in August. Just wondering what other people do...

OP posts:
onceisenoughinlife · 01/12/2024 21:51

I don't like my ex and begrudge spending any money on him as I think he's a crap dad but yes I do get something for him from the kids for Xmas, bday and Father's Day. I sort of set myself passive aggressive FU rules though - so I won't buy anything that says "worlds great dad" on it or anything of that ilk.

mitogoshigg · 01/12/2024 21:52

I would say to her that it would be lovely if she could help the children choose and send £10 or whatever your budget for a nominal gift is, she can add to the budget if she wants.

Snowdrop17 · 01/12/2024 22:36

I do, but this thread has made me realise "why the hell should I?" He cheated, is re-married, is awful to me and doesn't do the same for me. DC is 14 next year, so shall be stopping.

ElfDragon · 01/12/2024 22:42

Yes I help my dc buy presents for their father. I divorced him, they didn’t. They don’t have contact with his side of the family, so no one else to sort it for them. I have, over the years (dc have SN, so have done this longer than others might have to), sometimes resented it (he doesn’t put nearly as much effort in to help them but gifts for me) but it’s not about me. The dc appreciate my help, and that’s what counts.

Noseybookworm · 01/12/2024 22:53

Yes I would do it for my children, not for him. He might be vile but he's their dad and they didn't choose him, you did! Once they are old enough to shop for themselves I would just give them a little money and let them buy and wrap the gift themselves.

Sixpence39 · 01/12/2024 22:55

Yes because the kids can't shop for themselves and it will be important to them/ their relationship with dad. Ask mil to do it if you can't.

Bakedpotatoes · 01/12/2024 22:58

I do, birthdays/father's day/Christmas - ex rarely gets me anything from the children but I'm trying to teach my DC that giving is just as good as receiving and I'm being the bigger person.

I'd rather post him a big pile of shit.

Shoemadlady · 01/12/2024 23:01

Me and my ex do buy gifts for each other. We're on really good terms thankfully. I even buy a little joint pressie for him and his new GF

mondaytosunday · 01/12/2024 23:05

I didn't know this was a thing. I don't think I got presents from my kids til they were old enough to get me presents themselves! And even weirder to have a grandparent do this.

MrsThreePandas · 01/12/2024 23:13

Not a chance. He barely sees them and doesn’t pay me maintenance. Not a penny of my money is going on him. My mum takes my children Christmas shopping each year to get me something.

I do think it’s a good idea if your ex is a good parent and does it for you, but sadly not everyone is in that situation.

I don’t agree in doing it to ‘be the bigger person’ when your ex doesn’t do it for you. I think that teaches your children women should continue to give to someone who doesn’t respect them enough to reciprocate.

They shouldn’t believe there’s lower expectations for how a man should care for his family.

twentysevendresses · 01/12/2024 23:30

Will he be reciprocating the gesture???

PepperoniPizzas · 01/12/2024 23:37

I've 2 ExH and kids with both....I always bought gifts for the kids to give their fathers. I stopped when the older DC turned 16 and were earning their own money. Got a few years left of it with the youngest. I don't mind. I'd hate for the kids to feel bad they'd not bought their DF anything for Christmas. Do the same for birthdays too, and Father's Day. And ExH's do the same in return.

I never spend much though, around £15/20 for Christmas, £10/15 for birthday.

Copperoliverbear · 01/12/2024 23:55

I would. X

invisiblebark · 02/12/2024 00:42

I think it depends on your relationship with the Ex, tbh.

My DH always sorts something for the kids for their DM for Christmas, Birthday, Mother's Day, etc. And she does the same for the kids for DH.

We also get his Ex something from us at Christmas, too. But the relationship is amicable. For example, she personally (not from the kids but from her) buys a present for mine and DH's joint child for his birthday and christmas as well as helping the kids get something for him.

TempestTost · 02/12/2024 02:03

If the kids are of an age where they would like to get their dad a gift, then I think someone should help them. MIL might be asking so she can step in if necessary.

Who the right person is - MIL might be better, but that might also be logistically more difficult depending on the scenario. I would do it if that was the best thing, practically.

FWIW, my mum helped us do this as kids.

Georgie743 · 02/12/2024 02:07

My ex and I did it for Xmas and birthdays so that DD had a gift to give each of us (she was only little). Neither of us had family nearby who could step in. Didn't want to spend my money on awful ex, but I saw it as something I did for DD.

2catsandhappy · 02/12/2024 03:08

I did while dd was little.
Never got anything back mind. I think I stopped when she started secondary school.

Meadowfinch · 02/12/2024 03:14

I always helped my DS buy his dad a present. I'd come up with ideas, take him shopping etc. He would always pay for it out of his pocket money though, which meant it was never excessive.

It was about helping my DS have a lovely Christmas.

TwinklyNight · 02/12/2024 03:18

No I wouldn't if you are not on amiable terms. If they were old enough to bake on their own, or make him a card they could do that. Or if his patlrents take the dc out they can give the dc money and take them out shopping to choose.

yabbadabbadonot · 02/12/2024 03:46

Just send her a message saying "perhaps that's something you can help the kids do".

WillYouDoTheFandango · 02/12/2024 03:56

I did until he started upsetting DS by taking him to buy me a present and then withholding it for as long as possible after the event. The year I stopped he handed over my Christmas present to DS on New Year’s Day. DS mentioned it everyday in between but ExP just fibbed him off. He said it “wasn't a priority”.

I just suggested we each have our new partners sort it for each of us. He was mystified why I would suggest that and called me petty but I’ve never looked back.

Zanatdy · 02/12/2024 04:02

I never bought a christmas gift but did birthday. But his family didn’t celebrate birthday’s, and so if I didn’t, no-one did and that always felt a bit sad to me. Never much, £20 ish. In your situation, his mum can do it.

Everydayimhuffling · 02/12/2024 06:42

I would reply with, "I wasn't planning to, but I can if he is planning to help them choose a present for me."

Why should you do it unilaterally? It'll also prompt her if she hasn't sent that message to him. If he's not doing it for you, then I wouldn't do it for him unless the children actually ask you to.

Ginaknowsbest · 02/12/2024 06:57

I get the kids to make a card.

GreyCarpet · 02/12/2024 07:04

My exh and I bought gifts for the children to give to the other until they were old enough to do it themselves.