Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

[Plum02]

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

I wanted to call my twin DDs Eulalia and Persephone: luckily, my ex vetoed both!

Ok so one the one hand I think it’s perfectly understandable that your dh doesn’t like any of your suggestions because they’re all a similar type of name. It doesn’t surprise me tha5 if he doesn’t like ophelia he won’t like ottillie or any of the others you suggest. They’re all quite feminine and yes, sorry but quite posh. Sebastian is quite posh too in my pert of the world.

On the other hand, he can’t not offer any suggestions himself. Has he given no indication of names he does like? You’ve no chance of finding a cross over if he won’t participate. I think you should insist he makes a list of ten girls names he doesn’t hate, just to give you an idea of the type of name he’s thinking about.

Beatrice was another of my names he dismissed! I’d forgotten about that one! I’ll give kinder a try - thanks for the suggestion.

Lol

Tell him he can only veto a name if he offers up a suggestion of his own, otherwise it stays on the table. And threaten to draw a name from a hat if you can't engage in meaningful discussion involving suggestions from both sides.

Why are you "researching" names? Pick a name you genuinely like.

Researching names does sound very very try hard, as if you are trying to convey an image/lifestyle with the name.

Call her your mother or his mother's first name-there can't be any objection to that and you will be able to tell people that it is an old family name-which will give the impression you're posh just as much as Ophelia or Octavia.

Maybe just wait til baby is here and discuss it together? Baby is possibly more of a “concept” as he can’t feel baby inside him like you can.

Our daughter was always going to be Grace til we saw her. She was 9lb 5. Too big for a Grace (although it would suit her now bizarrely).

Absolutely love your name choices.

Ottilie, Octavia and Clementine were all on my list and teenage DD is fuming that we didn't go with Ottilie for her (she wanted Otty as a NN rather than Tilly though).

Give your DH a time frame to produce a list of 10 options and then compare with yours and see if anything matches.

He's being very unreasonable in taking away the joy from one of the nicer bits of pregnancy.

My DH refused to look at books and announced we were picking DD's name over a single lunch - I was mildly annoyed but am an Olympic standard procrastinator so I guess it was fair. Luckily he liked my top choice as I really didn't care for his, and then we each picked a middle name. I have told DD she can add Ottilie as another middle name if she really wants it!

They are the type of names people use to TRY and sound posh. When there’s one in the Radford clan (Ophelia) then you know it’s no longer posh at all.

Go on your own to register the birth, then you get your choice

We wrote lists of names we each liked without telling the other then sat down and compared the two lists.
We were lucky as names cropped up in both.
I would give it a go.

They're all posh names and that clearly isn't his cup of tea which is allowed and ok.

Fuck this shit- he has contributed one cell months ago and you have done all the work since then creating a brand new human from scratch. Call your beautiful baby girl whatever you like, especially as he has had fuck all to offer as alternatives to the names you have suggested. Consider a new life with a partner who gives more than zero fucks about your feelings while you’re about it. Best of luck.

I started by suggesting a few names I liked from the top of my head. He hated them all. So I started to go through too 100 baby name lists, name berry etc. to find other names we might both like. I don’t see why looking for name ideas is “trying to convey a lifestyle”. I imagine it’s what most people do. I’m not trying to give the impression we’re “posh”, I’m just suggesting names I like! I don’t like either of our mum’s names.

This is what we did. Both write down your top five and then discuss them. Like adults.

I really like your names, op.

There is an app that you can use to get closer to agreement- it shows you both a lot of names and you say yes or no and then it tells you the ones that were two yeses. No idea what it’s called but someone will know.

Can you ask your DH to sit down and make a list of his favourite 10 girl's names? Perhaps see if there are any you could work with? Making a list each was the starting point for me and DH when choosing our DD's name. It wasn't easy because he's a teacher and so many names had bad connotations. Plus, our surname is a noun (think Wood), so any first names that were also adjectives, such as Scarlett and Ruby were vetoed.

I'm relieved we didn't have a boy, because his list was atrocious, including Kubo, Ragnar and Hector!

I haven't even finished all the replies, already so many saying they agree with him - it sounds like you and me have pretty similar tastes OP. I like all your names except Octavia and would have loved to call one of my daughters Penelope or Margot but both got vetoed by DH. One of my daughters is called Felicity - How's that for you?

Also DH did exactly what yours is doing for my second daughter, vetoed all my names without suggesting a single one and it is massively annoying and they can fuck off. Since they're doing literally none of the work. In the end he let me 'choose' (from a tiny list of preapproved possibilities) since I was getting massively stressed and I gave her my favourite name first and his favourite for her middle name. Guess what? He consistently uses her middle name, presumably trying to get her to answer to it primarily. What a wanker.

Yep this is what we did. This is as much 'research' we did. You either like a name or you don't, but it does need to be something that you both like, so he needs to come up with his own ideas.

Ottilies are always Otties and never Tillies in my experience - even though Tilly is always used as the "well, she could always go by..." sweetener. I think Ottie is very sweet, though, and Ottilie is lovely!

I have a Felicity too. 😊

So these names are being criticised for being “posh” and “pretentious” and they’re being criticised because they’re used by a working class family. They might have been considered “posh” 15-20 years ago but they’re mainstream and used by people of all classes now. I just want a name I like, I don’t really care if it’s chosen by Giles in Kensington or Tracey in Luton.

The Kinder app is a good shout, has worked well for lots of our friends. I do have some sympathy for your DH, I wouldn't describe any of the names as 'normal' so maybe a bit of an acquired taste - which he hasn't acquired. Don't worry, whatever you name the baby will grow on you and become their name so it doesn't really matter if it is perfect or not. Obviously you need to both put effort into it and think carefully but honestly dont stress that you need a name right now.

My dh chose streets and cities to start with eg
Rochester, Gloucester
Our surname is like a road
So a child would have ended up sounding like a street name
think Rochester Crescent, Or Gloucester Mews 🤣🤣

Luckily amongst his list their were some sensible names

Love all your ideas.

Can I ask, did you take your husbands surname? I did and I told my husband, if the kids are going to have your surname, I get deciding vote on first name. Especially as I was going to be the one pushing baby out, primary care giver etc etc. he still had input, I wasn't a dick about it. I gave him a list, he hated a couple, loved one. He added his own. For our first kid, went for the one he loved because it was my fave too and second time around, went for his addition to list because it was so left field and I loved it. But deciding vote is mine.