Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

[Plum02]

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

Your dh just sounds rude, he's reacting before he's even heard the name while not actually coming up with any names of his own. In your shoes I'd create your list and once the baby is born, if he hasn't got a list of his own then you pick one from your list and he sucks it up.
Oh and I spent a lot of time researching names too and find nothing wrong with it

Those names are Ottilie old fashioned but a little ostentatious too.

Wait until the child arrives, and choose a name that suits them that you both agree on.

Have you tried Kinder, OP?

I think it’s a myth that men aren’t interested in names - certainly all the ones in my friend group and NCT class had strong views. And I do think you’ve got a specific taste that he doesn’t share, so there’s likely going to have to be a lot of compromise from someone. But he should also be suggesting names, he can’t just veto constantly, or when she’s here; the ones you’ve suggested will be the only ones on the table.

I’d start with Kinder, and hope that starts some conversations.

I’d be cautious with Ottilie though. I know four this year. I suspect it’ll jump up the charts in the next name list.

Will he engage with the 'you have to pick one' game?

So you say 'orphelia' or 'aurelia'. He picks 'aurelia'. Then it's 'aurelia' versus 'amelia' and so on.

That might help you get closer to the type of names you can agree on.

I couldn't name a child any of your suggestions. They are not awful names in their own right but they just wouldn't be me. They feel like names for a different type of child. Probably class related (although I wouldn't go for the Levi, Chardonnay type options either despite being very working class).

I was in the fairly traditional, biblical, not massively out there camp.

You need to try a different type of name if you want more engagement I think. He's not discussing them because I imagine they are as far away from acceptable to him as I'm guessing something like Tiffany would be for you.

He should be suggesting alternatives names but all those names follow a ‘vintage’ vibe that for many people just sound old-fashioned. He probably has an issue with the style and you are not offering him any options too, you keep bringing more of the same to the discussion. I personally wouldn’t use any of those names too - I actually think some of them are ok - but all sound very serious and heavy to
me. It’s just very personal how each one perceive a name.

I would keep asking him to suggest a few names, once you get a better idea of what he likes perhaps it will be easier to find something you agree on.

If he doesn't contribute names and effort, he doesn't get to choose 🤷🏻‍♀️ stop making the effort with him, keep it to yourself, make a long- and shortlist. I recently found my mum's lists for my potential name, and it was nice to read as an adult - I did have a chuckle at some of them!

Is he like this in other ways? Obstructive and unwilling to contribute?

I haven’t taken his surname so DC’s surname is still up for debate too! I’d like to double-barrel but he thinks it’s far too long, which I do agree with as his surname is two syllables and mine three. I’d be happy to have his as the day-to-day surname for ease and mine as more of a middle name. I was thinking once we’ve agreed on a first name we could see what sounds best and that might make it easier to agree on a solution!

My DH hated all my names. I think I thought of more because I'm more creative. I'm not sure how pregnant you are but maybe your DH hasn't got to that point yet of thinking of suggestions. Why don't u ask him to come up with 5 names he likes and go from there. In the end, DH liked a name and I liked the nickname of it, so it worked! But that was only a couple of weeks before the birth.

I’m with him. Your choices are not good and very much going with ultra common rn. You need to work together to find names you both love.

FWIW, the last three baby girl names I’ve heard of have been Ottilie, Clementine and Penelope. All ugly bugly names.

Matilda? Maud? Edith? Katherine? Anne? Jane? Mary? Victoria? Elizabeth? Camilla?
All names fit for a queen...

Agree
Although remember your surname alone with his as a middle name is just as valid.

A cousin of mine has 2 syllables and her dh 3 syllables in their names
They found the 2 syllable name first then the 3 as double barrelled rolled off the tongue better.
Just a thought

No one really takes much notice of middle names really

I love the names, but as you say that’s neither here nor there. Has he come up with any suggestions, and can you settle on any of them? It’s tough, it never occurred to me that my dh would have either an opinion or a say on ‘my baby’s’ name, stupid I know but I had always told myself what I was going to name my future sons and daughters, didn’t work like that.

you’ll get there, good luck

You don’t like Levi but you prefer Biblical..?

@Plum02 your name choices (inc Sebastian) are quite ‘Shakespearean-esq’ I think they are pretty (not for me but…). I think he needs a list of his own, or think about names that are similar but less controversial than those on your list like Etta could be Ella, Otillie / Octavia could be Olivia, Penelope could be Amélie or Élodie or Lily, Margot could be something like Mari - mahr-ee.

do you know what I mean have a conversation around the names and styles you like then widen the net.

Sorry, I'm team DH and think your girl names are awful.

I had an agreement with DH that if it was a girl I would name her and if it was a boy he could. He didn't think of any boys names 🤷‍♀️

You beat me to it! That's exactly what I was going to say. 😀

My surname is 2 syllables, ex H is 3 as he has a "Mc" at the start of his. DD has a double barrelled surname. My name first then his as it sounds better.

School, doctors etc all use her full name. Her first name is also 3 syllables.

Think "Harriet Johnson McRichards"

Sounds like he has a chip on his shoulder about sounding posh. So Ophelia Edwards Richardson is triggering a bit of an "oooh get them" reaction. What are his family like about things like this? What is his background?

I bet he wouldn't think the double barrelling sounded too long if the other option was not to use his surname at all. Of course it's yours that would be dropped!

I don’t hate those names but they are all a bit…’insta-mum’ if you get me? And that is actually quite dated now so they just seem a bit naff and sort of…meaningless.

Why don’t you go through a list of names of people who actually mean something to you both? Eg family members, favourite film actresses, fave bands, favourite poets, favourite books? if hes not a huge Hamlet fan is he likely to be moved by Ophelia? Whereas he might abso adore The Chain and go for Stevie, or be wholly passionate about the suffragettes and go for Emmeline, or you might get him on board with Hermione if he fancies himself a wizard in a muggle world, or Maya if he loves ‘still, I rise’.

What books/plays/films/songs/bands are important to you as a couple? Start there.

Tell him he needs to contribute some ideas or you will choose what you want.
I don't think the names are that bad as it goes, nothing too out there (I also like Sebastian!)

The names are all quite similar. Like you'd give them to a range of Victorian-dressed dolls.

I really recommend the Kinder app, or similar. It turned out DH and I only liked about 3 of the same boys names so we picked one.

I totally get you that someone wouldnt like ALL Biblical names as some are very out-there, but it seems odd to pick out a very biblical name as an example of one that’s hated to make this argument!

I agree with you OP!

My DH only loved one girl name and was adamant that was the name. He wouldn't discuss alternatives. Luckily I really liked the name too or I think it would have been very difficult. We never agreed on a boy name.

We also chose two middle names - one each, with pretty much a free rein to choose without the other person. Maybe that's an option for you?

He does need to come up with suggestions though. Both go through a book and highlight what you like and see what overlaps? And both be open minded. My DH suggested a boy name that I originally hated but in the end it had really grown on me (and he'd gone off it!)