Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

[Plum02]

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

Penny or Tilly are nice, but the rest not so much. I especially dislike Octavia, due to only knowing one and she's as nasty as you can get lol. It would be helpful if he offered up some names too, so it's a tough one really.

I love the names you've listed! My husband and I had boys' names sorted, no problem. Found out we were having a girl and there wasn't much crossover with the names we liked.

My advice - each make a LONG list of names that you like. And then go through them and see what the common denominator names are! But definitely get him to come up with some names himself. I'd tell him that he's not allowed to veto any more of your name choices until he's come up with at least 5 of his own.

I think his reactions are a tad blunt but it's not uncommon to take a while to find a name you both like. My son's dad had a name he's loved since childhood for our son and I genuinely hated it. He refused to consider anything else (I realise you have put forward several alternatives). Eventually I came up with a massive long list of names I liked. He finally caved on the second to last. I never thought I'd name my child the name we chose but it is compromise and I love it now because I love my son and the name suits him more than either of our faves.

Have your DH come up with a long list of names for you to consider. I don't think it's the case that men don't care what girls are called! I would hope fathers care as much regardless of sex and I don't personally know any men who have expressed a view like that! That would be awful! If he hasn't done that by the time you register the birth, go yourself and Ottilie it is! Although just to warn you, that name isn't unusual atm. There were 3 in my son's baby sensory class and another one in his swim class.

No need to be a dick about it.

Well, I wouldn't have Clementine (size nine!). Margot is very old-fashioned but not old-fashioned enough to be back in. I wouldn't choose any of them. Mind, I would be happy with Petronella, Helen, Imogen etc. so I am no fount of fashionable names.
Ottilie I don't like and it will be a pain forever to spell. And Tilly is short for Matilda - which is a nice name. I had no idea Octavia was a car - it's the name of the founder of the National Trust. How odd.
Instead of you picking names you 'love' why don't you sit down together with a book of names, or a laptop with choices and find some you both like; bearing in mind that it is your DC who has to live with your choice, so do not choose hard to spell names (pain - lived with two surnames that had to be spelled every time!), cannot be shortened to something silly, won't go out of date (so no Chardonays or Mateas Rosas) and goes with your surname without having funny initials (e.g. Don't give a name beginning with W if your surname starts with C). It's your child's name. If you want to give people your favourite names write a novel.

I like Ophelia - Shakespearian and everyone knows how to spell it.

your assumption that men should leave the women to choose the name is nonsense. I don’t like any of your names either. He should be suggesting some but depending how far along you are he might not have thought about it yet. There are apps you can get which allow you both to swipe on names you like to find matches (like tinder for baby names)

One of my favourite names was Ottilie but my husband vetoed it! Afraid I don’t much like any of your other names though and agree with some of his comments! Sorry! It does sound like he is just automatically saying no though. What names has he suggested???

Good thing choosing one has even less to do with you then isn't it

@Plum02 - post this in the baby names topic. People are less arsehole-ish about choices in general.

I like all of your choices except for Etta, which sounds very guttural. If he can't come up with any alternatives, he needs to shut up and stop moaning.

Given they are life partners and are having a baby together you might assume that he knew what to expect from her baby name suggestions. I said as much to my partner, and he was like well yes I suppose. Because we’ve been together 12 years, I have a son from a previous marriage and we have a daughter together. He should have known what kinds of names I’d be throwing into the hat for a boy.
and I’ll again point out that he brought no other names to the table than Jesus for baby number 1, a girl, and Knott for baby number 2, a boy. That was his entire contribution to name suggestions. It was not that he thought I wouldn’t like his name suggestions…refer back to the names he did suggest, it was that he couldn’t be arsed!!!

I think ops getting a hard time here for no reason. He doesn’t have to be a dick about the names she likes, and if he really had no clue at all that those were the names her personality would draw to, he should really have a think about what he’s doing in this relationship, he obviously barely knows her if these names are coming as a surprise. I feel like if I suggested the name Amelia or Evie or lily for example for a girl, my partner should have fallen off his seat. My entire personality shows I would not like those kinds of names…

op I think your husbands being a dick for not even considering your names and for not suggesting any himself, and I think people On here are being mean.

I like all these names apart from Ophelia. Otto lie is a lovely name. Why pick a name every other girl has? We picked interesting names for our three children and both as adults and as children they love them as they are distinctive.

Octavia is a car made by Skoda, just sayin'.

Sorry just read you know that. I like Ottilie or Ottoline.

Cancel the Skoda.

OP This is a problem that’s come up a few times on the baby name board (a DH poo-pooing all of DW’s choices but not really suggesting anything of their own).

It usually turns out that they just aren’t very imaginative and so anything that isn’t very familiar (ie. names of multiple women/girls they know), they just automatically reject. A bit like men often ime seem less bothered about there being several with their own name at school or work - from their point of view at least it means the name sounds “normal”. So I bet if you suggested something like Sarah, Elizabeth, Emma, Lucy, Amy, Katherine, Anna, Rachel etc he’d be fine with it.

Maybe you could try to find a compromise in the type of name - so say Louisa instead of more commonplace Louise, Helena instead of more popular Helen etc. I suspect the trick might be try to find something that sounds familiar enough to him but is also fashionable enough for you - so maybe go through the current Top 200/300 or so and look out for anything that looks “classic” but that you could live with too.

The OP isn’t happy that she has received many (majority) opinions agreeing with her OH. And she doesn’t like that so she claims she didn’t want to hear our opinions but wanted mn opinion on her OH behaviour.

if that’s the case she shouldn’t have told us her name choices. And whilst her OH could go more on the suggestion front himself I think opinion has sided with her OH because his reaction to her choices and continued style of choices isn’t unreasonable.

I think OP really wanted a chorus validating her selection so she could show her OH.

What happened yo the tradition of reusing ‘family’ names?

100% agree

Whether users like her names or not is irrelevant.

If majority of posters liked her names they would be agreeing with her and disagreeing with her DH.

Which is so not the point of the thread. If DH doesn’t like her name he needs to come up with alternatives and find one they can agree on.

Beautiful names. Love them all

I think the real issue is how he said “here we go again” before even hearing the suggestion.

He is able to not like your ideas, but should respect your ideas to hear them out, even if he doesn’t agree.

I personally mostly like your ideas, but that’s not up for debate. You don’t want to convince him only for him to resent the name chosen. You need to arrive at a mutually agreeable name.

I hope he opens up a bit and between you can come up with something you agree.

Are you her partner?

You're going to have to tell him that if he doesn't engage in this process in good faith, you'll pick a name yourself and register her, and that will be the end of it.

You could try calling his bluff,

'Hmm Gertrude, I don't love it but maybe if it's really what you want...?'

Ugh I hear this happen so much. Fair enough if the partner doesn’t like the names, but to be rude about them isn’t on at all. Quite often women have lists they’ve had for many years, and put a lot of thought into them. At its core, they’re taking the piss out of something that’s important you, which isn’t the actions of a loving partner.

Also the baby is likely getting his surname too.

This might be a bit controversial, but if a mutual decision can’t be reached, I think the mother should get the deciding vote.

This exactly. It's disingenuous to say that men care as much when women have these lists for many years and in their overwhelming majority, men don't.

It's very hurtful to just dismiss all the thought and emotion that went jnto picking them. I had to change "my names" as they were taken by family members and it was hard emotionally. DH fortunately was quite good at discussing options.