Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

[Plum02]

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

Just to be different, I like a few of them and know a couple and it really suits them

However - do they go with your surname?

And what suggestions has he made so far?

Also, do you agree or disagree on most things?

haha fair enough.

Have to say though I had mentioned both my children's names (yup, the ones which ultimately won!) ahead of time and DH pulled a face or was 'hmm yeah maybe' (so not quite as strong as the reactions you're getting to be fair) but it was the game of sitting down together and comparing them to all the alternatives which made him actually properly consider them and for them to be the final choices. He was in the mood to sit and discuss rather than being in the middle of something else and giving an instinctual off the cuff response. I think it helped him that we were sat down together with nice food and choosing this name was our sole purpose for the next few hours.

I would say Etta and Ottilie fit that criteria

This was exhausting to read, the number of posters who can't seem to read the OP that she wasn't asking opinions on names 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP, your DP either comes up with names and takes part in this deciaion or i would be naming them myself. He can't shoot down every idea andnot contibute anything

Why not try him with a more normal name and see what he says? He's probably frustrated and rolling his eyes at the type of names you are choosing. They do sound like you're desperate to give your child a 'posh' tory type name.

I don't think YABU.

If he doesn't like the names you have come up with, he needs to come up with alternative suggestions, he can't just scoff and say 'no' to everything without putting in any effort.

I think all your name choices are beautiful. Etta is the only one I’m not so keen on, but my Grandmother had an old friend called Ettie, which I think is cute.

What names does your DH like?

Just to add to the mix, sometimes you can spend ages choosing a name, just to realise that when your baby is born that they are not a Ben or an Emma but a David or a Sarah. Weird I know, but it does happen

I can totally relate @Plum02 I went through the same thing with my 2. I think my list was similar to yours, I wanted classic French names. My DH couldn't get his head around them, and kept saying how people wouldn't know how to pronounce them and so on. I settled on names I liked, but didn't love. I do look at my dds sometimes and wondered whether they would have suited those names. I don't have any advice, but YANBU to be annoyed. Does he have suggestions?

Oo are they tory posh names round by you? I live in a Labour stronghold and know at least one of each of the names the OP mentioned, except Clementine. You never truly know which box someone ticks once they're in the booth, but based on the families I'd not outwardly assume they were posh! The posh set have all gone for Henry, James, Lucy, Elsbeth, George, Isabella, Imogen etc. Names I went to school with, whereas Otterlie and Margot are particularly popular with my hippy friends so I'd always associated them with slightly more left field.

Thank you! What were your name suggestions, out of interest? It might give me more inspiration!

I keep asking him to come up with suggestions but he never does (or comes up with jokey suggestions like Gertrude to take the piss out of my taste in my names). I think some PPs suggestions will help to get him more engaged though. I’m going to give him a book and arrange a specific evening to sit down over dinner with us both bringing a list of names to go through, so he has a specific deadline and it makes it into more of an occasion rather than a chore!

Buy yourself a cheap baby names book. Or just print out the top 200 names of last year. Get out some highlighters. Sit him down with a drink and tell him to cross out any he absolutely hates. You then cross out the ones you absolutely hate. You then have a starting list. Then google any you may like and put it with your/his surname to check there’s no infamous or very famous people that your child could be associated with that would be annoying. Then check out initials. You don’t want them to spell out TIT or suchlike. This is a problem with girls as they are more likely to have a surname change in the future. Then think of nicknames and make sure the nicknames are ok with the surname eg Chris Peacock’s parents probably werent aware of how he would be teased when they named him Christopher.
Finally, you are naming an adult far longer than you are naming a baby. Will the name be ok if she becomes a judge? Bottomley is an ok surname but all rise for Ophelia Bottomley may get giggles.

And yes, I did all the above and fell at the future surname one - it was a name that became very famous after I had DC!

Sorry I haven't read the full thread.

Would you try one of the naming apps, like kinder? They're a bit of fun and you can see if you match on any names.

He shouldn't dismiss them though. I had my 2nd baby in August, DH often had to take a few days to decide if he liked a name. He wasn't great at thinking of names himself though.

Agree. OP’s more media/intelligentsia type names to my ear. It just shows how differently people interpret names.

I think both parents should get a say/ have the power of veto but you're in an impossible situation if he won't suggest anything and says no to everything you suggest.

If he continues then you've got no real option but to say "as you can't suggest anything I will just have to choose one from my list, sorry".

I do agree that the mum usually has more sway as she tends to give it more thought and "love" rather than "like" her choices. My husband wasn't keen on most of my suggestions which were more unusual - he preferred traditional names, James, Thomas etc. He did engage though and we finally agreed on a name for our son that we both liked. We chose a middle name each rather than argue about that too! Daughter was a bit easier as I had my heart set on a name and I knew he'd say it was "too posh" sounding but by a huge stroke of luck one of his favourite bands released a song with the name as the title so he was all for it.

It sounds like you won't use Ottilie but I just wanted to say if you live in an area where the glottal stop is common you will often hear it said as "Uh-Uhr-Lee" which is truly awful and ruins the name!

Can you keep adding to your list as well? There might be some more in that genre that he might just be tempted by. Allegra? Lucinda? Annabel? Lydia?

Ophelia was a sad depressed person who took her own life (In Shakespeare) Margot was the next door snob in The Good Life .Octavia - yes, car reference plus number 8 reference. I chose Ottilie for my son, now 34, if he had been a girl, a very pretty name but maybe now getting too popular. I agree with the suggestion about watching film credits or using the suggested app. Somewhere out there is a lovely name to suit you both. The last two babies born to people I know were Pearl and Enid.

@Plum02 My DD has an relatively unusual name - not at all 'out there', but not one you see very often. Happy to PM you with it, even if it's ultimately not to your taste, and I certainly won't be offended if you don't like it!

(I don't want to post the name on the thread because if anyone I know is here, they'll probably realise they know me in real life!)

I think you need to have a complete strop with your husband. To negatively shoot down every suggestion you make and to make no constructive suggestions himself is totally dick behaviour.

We went about it like jury selection. 10 favourite names each, found a few in common and a few that either of us hated. 5 vetos each. If you're already at 33 weeks you might need to shorten it down.

Then rather than referring to the bump by some sort of nickname we changed DD's name up every week and referred to her by name in utero. Only between us as to do otherwise would have invited unhelpful comments. Weirdly some of the names we both liked on paper, we didn't when spoken out loud. They just didn't work for us and were happily discarded at the end of the week .

How did you finally agree on your first child's name and surname? Or have I misunderstood ? If DC1 has your husbands surname and he got his choice for DC1's christian name then I'd be pulling rank here a bit. You're doing all the heavy lifting for one.

But start calling your baby Ottie or whatever your first preference is. It might grow on him.

Ah - discount that, this is your DC1. Well then, that's two names to negotiate. He can pick his battles 😉

Graveyards is another suggestion of where to find nice, varied selection of names, although that sounds a bit morbid.

Try not to stress out too much. You will land on a name eventually.

His reaction is how he feels about the names - I would possibly have the same reaction, not what I would choose but that's just my opinion. MY ExDH hated what I picked for our son and I ended up changing it to something he deemed more 'normal'. Wish I had stuck to my guns and kept the name I had chosen, and i still feel the same 20 years on.

Is there any names you like that could be shortened to a nick name - Like you said Penelope, could you come up with Penny as a compromise. Ophelia to FiFi Or use one as middle name.

not just me then!!!

It doesn’t matter if they’re on trend, don’t be a sheep, the names are not the prettiest of names. Ask him to pick some names ..you’ll both have to agree I’m afraid, it’s not a one sided choice.

The current approach isn't working so time to change the approach. I would do similar to a PP's suggestion.

Arrange an evening where you have a pizza or something, put on some music in the background and print out the top 500 girls names or whatever. You each take it in turns to cross ones you hate off the list. Leaving ones you like and ones you're indifferent about.

I agree with the PP that when you have that list, check out how the initials may be, look up the meanings of the names. Sometimes a name has a meaning that either makes me like it more or puts me off it. Go from there.

DH and I had very different tastes in names. It's unsurprising he doesn't like the names you've suggested as they all have the same vibe, which is quite marmite. So if he doesn't like Ophelia he's not going to like Octavia for example. It may also be worth considering shortened versions too. So he's not keen on Penelope, but what about Penny for short?

You will find something, but he does have to engage a bit with the process!

Sorry op but your dh is right, all those names are hideous and ugly for a little baby girl. I agree he needs to start suggesting some though.