Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

[Plum02]

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

Lol I’ve replied multiple times thanking people for their suggestions and saying I’m going to try suggestions including an app, both highlighting names in baby books, looking up meanings rather than names… maybe read my replies before making weird accusations? I’ve never said I don’t expect him to have an opinion, just that the opinion would consist of something more than dismissing my ideas.

The problem isn't really the specific names. He's criticising every name you suggest without suggesting anything himself. My ex did the same. It was just being able to keep telling me I was wrong, it wasn't about the names.

I chose a name, told him that would be our child's name unless he suggested an alternative before our child was born and didn't didcuss it any further. He didn't suggest a single name, ever, never even tried. So we named our child my choice.

🤣🤣🤣

Unless you make up a name (see Elon Musk) your child will always be named after someone else, often someone you knew nothing about but often have negative associations for someone. TBH I think your intransigence is driving your DP’s lack of engagement with the process.

I think you are also over invested in the uniqueness thing too. We chose a unique name (3500 in the annual list) for DD. Moved when she was 8m and there was a child with the same name 3 doors down. The health visitor also had a granddaughter with the same two first names, which she blended into a sickeningly twee and Americanised nick name (similar to ‘Peggy-Sue/Lizzy-Lou’). Furthermore, my DD rejected the name entirely by 12, and has since changed it officially. It’s just a name. You gift it to your child and they are free to do with it what they will - shorten it to a version you hate (my DH does not use his full name, only his parents do), or reject it entirely.

My DS has a top 20 name in his year. I loved it, DH felt it was ok if I’d put up with him shortening it (I wasn’t …). And I had, by this time decided that choosing a name to avoid being one of many in the class has been a waste of energy. He is currently in a 6th form class of 7, one of the others has the same name. My DS is over 6ft 3 though, so is just know as ‘Big [insert name]’. He could care less. WHO he is is not his name: it’s the sum of him of which his name is an unimportant and pretty tiny part. Our relationships with our names also change - I have always LOATHED mine (unisex, can be altered into a really horrible slur that made the playground a nightmare). But I’ve grown into myself in my middle years - it’s just a name. Am indifferent to it nowadays.

I’d back down with DP, buy him some beer, treat yourselves to a takeaway and sit completely open-mindedly [on both sides] with a baby name app and find a list of 10 names that you BOTH like and remember, the gorgeous, unique little soul that you are growing together is more than a bunch of letters on a birth certificate.

They have been ignored because her DH refuses to do this. The OP would love her DH to suggest some names.

We each made a list of our 10 favourite names for DC1 -none coincided!
They ended up being called something on neither list.

I like all your names, but that isn't really the point of the post. Has he made any suggestions?

Would you be able to compromise on something more flouncy with a very simple shortening?

Anastasia = Anna

I'm amazed at some of the responses you're getting. It's completely obvious that deliberately naming your child after someone (or "inspired by" someone) is different to choosing a name that happens to be shared with someone. Like you, I also wouldn't choose the former approach, which a PP suggested. I don't know why people are beating you over the head with straw man arguments, or rushing to share their own opinions on the specific names. It's clear all you want is for your DH to stop being a dick and engage constructively. Why that is controversial on MN, I don't know.

Maybe he has no idea and is one of those that when he sees her face he will be like she’s an … Olivia

Woulbd be helpful if he had any type of hint though.

He has a perfect right to reject name choices. I would expect him to come up with some of his own, though.

If you've got a while before the birth, I would just stop talking about it and start again in a month or two.

@CautiousLurker1 🙄 all the names I’ve suggested are in the top 100 girls names. Margot is in the top 20. I’m not invested in uniqueness at all. I’ve just chosen names I like - it’s a bonus if there aren’t 10 other children in the class with the same name.

As I’ve explained dozens of times I don’t mind if other people have the same name as my DC - in fact, I want them to have a name which is familiar to people rather than have a name no one has heard of and no one can spell or pronounce.

That’s different to not wanting to name my DC after a specific person.

@Plum02 "I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead"

Why on earth would you think that??

Anna and Anastasia are completely different, unrelated names. Shortening Anastasia to Anna would be very jarring.

Haven’t read all the posts, but I think your first big mistake is

”I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead,”

Thats one mighty big assumption to be honest. So you need to sort things through amicably. You don’t give any of his suggestions, but why not simply choose a name each that you like, flip a coin for which goes first, and then when your little girl is old enough, she can use the one she likes the most? I have been known by my middle name all my life, there are still odd members of family and friends surprised that I have two🤣

I’m not keen on all your chosen names, but like most of them. Some are classical, with an interesting back story. Far more interesting than some of the made up just watched a series on TV type of names. Some of those names are “strong women” names, which I like.

Two couples we know who recently had babies both said the mum came up with the name (with agreement from DH obviously). I recently heard David Mitchell say they’d called their first daughter Barbara because Victoria CM had always wanted to use the name. I also heard Rob Beckett saying they’d chosen their daughters name because his wife had always planned to use the name from being a child and he couldn’t take that away from her.

My DH has been laid back with all other baby things so far - I’ve made the decisions on all the baby items we’ve bought for example. I’ve been the one coming up with all the baby name ideas! So while I expected he might veto the odd name if he really didn’t like it, I thought broadly he’d be fairly easy going and open minded if it was name I loved, rather than dismissing every suggestion.

I was with you up until the last paragraph. It's not really for the mum to choose the girls name and dad to be more bothered about the boy imo. However dismissing suggestions without bringing anything to the table yourself is annoying.

My OH was useless at suggesting names, but quick to dismiss my suggestions. But then he came up with a way for us to decide it together, over a meal one evening. Took a few hours, but we were discussing together and working as a team which felt nicer than just throwing names out there and having him dislike them.

Step 1: You both write a list of names (we did 26, and had 1 for each letter of the alphabet - which is not as easy as it seems, however you could pick any number you like just as long as you both have the same number of names.)
Step 2: Put each name on an individual scrap of paper, so you each have a pile of your 26 names in front of you.
Step 3: Pull out one name from your pile, and one from your partners. Lay them next to each other on the table. Discuss and agree which of the two names you prefer, place it in the 'winners pile'. Discard the other.
Step 4: Repeat step 3 until you have 26 names in the winners pile.
Step 5: Then take the winners pile, and pull out two names to compare. Which one do you prefer? This time it's 'winner stays on'. Agree which name is the best and discard the other. Leave the winner of this round on the table and pull a new one from the pile to compare. Continue until you have found the name you both like the best.

We played this game over a long evening meal, and it's how we found the first and middle name for both our children. A pairing came out and we couldn't choose the winner of the two. It just worked!

Makes it a bit lighthearted, means you both have to come to the table with a prepared list, throw in a few hilarious/joke ones for fun.

@Plum02 "So while I expected he might veto the odd name if he really didn’t like it, I thought broadly he’d be fairly easy going and open minded if it was name I loved, rather than dismissing every suggestion."

Ah. Well, he's rejected 8 names. All of them much have the very same style and tone. Obviously he doesn't like that style and tone, which he is perfectly entitled to do-would you like to have to call your child by a name you don't like for life?As I said, I would leave you t for a month or two then try again.

Also have to agree with @EconomyClassRockstar as that method has worked for several of my mates 😂

It is really annoying if he is just going “Nope.. Nope” and not actually responding e.g. “How about Jean Eileen after my great aunt” (or something equally awful) so you can Nope right back at him. At least you’d have an idea about what he might like.

I like your choices! I think if you can come up with a name you both like that's perfect but if not then maybe just stick to your guns, he may come round.

I haven’t said he isn’t entitled to do that but it would be more constructive if he would suggest alternatives rather than me doing all the work to then have every suggestion dismissed. I don’t expect him to call his child by a name he doesn’t like - as I said I expected him to veto some suggestions, I just didn’t expect him to have such strong feelings about every name I suggest.

Chosing a name should be a joint decision but I would be annoyed if its just blanket 'I dont like' for everything with no suggestions coming back. My DH went through a I don't like that phase but no suggestions. I said until he could give me suggestions back he couldn't vito a name just because he didn't like it.

Name that we like are so specific to a person so I wouldn't take mumsnetters opinions of liking or not liking them. I know people of who chosen some of those names and they are the complete opposite of what other comments are saying about those names.

This sounds like fun if you’re both reasonably open to considering each others suggestions. Based on DH’s reactions so far I fear every one would be him insisting that my name was too awful to “win” 😂

Is your husband a teacher @Plum02 ? Because teachers are the ones who tend to have very strong reactions to names lol!

Anyway, don't know why so many posters are being wilfully obtuse and downright rude in some instances. A lot of people showing how snobby they are - bet they're the same type who say they "never judge".

Honestly at 33 weeks I'm shocked you haven't just had a go at him, fine if you don't like the names but you don't get the power of infinite veto, especially when you're offering nothing back.

Not saying that's the right response but I know by the time I was at that stage I was completely fed up and my husband might have borne the brunt!