Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

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Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

• Margot - ugly, hates it
• Ophelia - horrible, hates it
• Clementine - awful, hates it
• Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
• Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
• Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

Tell him he needs to come up with a list of ten names he likes, and you will also list ten names you like.

Each of you can strike five names off the other's list immediately.

You discuss the remaining total of ten names seriously.

Tell him if he won't participate in good faith, you'll go with a name of your choice.

His response to this is the response of a man who seems resentful of this demand on his time and energy and I'd be curious to know why he doesn't feel this is something he should be engaging whole-heartedly with.

Yes to this.

Is he jealous of the attention you're already giving to the baby?

I don’t think it’s excessive of him to have turned down the names you’ve mentioned. It’s not that many. My DH rejected far more names than that when coming up with name ideas for our baby. Though it must be annoying that he’s not coming up with any ideas of his own. Tell him you expect him to think of the next name suggestion. I ended up letting my DH name our son because there was a specific name that he loved which was why he didn’t want any of mine (I do like the name too).

And why should that matter?

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead

What a weird thing to say. Why would a man be any more laid-back about a girl's name than he would about a boy's name? She's his daughter. Her name should be just as important to him as a son's name would be.

how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

Why would that be implausible? The names you like are very much of a type and I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to hate them all. I hate them all as well, so there's no reason why your DH wouldn't/couldn't hate them all too.

Clearly, it would be helpful if he could think of some names that he liked himself. But other than that, I don't understand what he's done wrong other than have different taste to yours.

How many months pregnant are you? Maybe he just can't see the rush to decide on a name. Plenty of parents don't decide on a name until after the baby's born.

OP said 33 weeks

Why did they call a girl Imre?

Agree 100%.

The names you like are not my cup of tea either OP, but they're all currently fashionable and a girl with a name from your list wouldn't stand out.

I don't like the sound of a man who rolls his eyes and laughs at a wife who is more invested than him in this important matter while she's pregnant. He really is being a pillock.

If he won't come up with a list and start showing more engagement with this I'd do exactly as AliceMcK suggests.

Because she's already dealing g with a useless lump of a husband who railroaded her out of Sebastian for her first baby and bow won't engage with the process of choosing a name for the second baby, even to the point of rolling his eyes and laughing.

My guess is she is feeling pretty raw and reactive about the dismissal of her taste both at home and here.

Here's a radical idea. Wait until your baby has arrived safely and decide what to call it then. It's amazing how much character they show within the first hours and days. They might look more like an Emily than an Ophelia once it's a real live person.

This is her first baby. They decided not to have a surprise and believe it will be a girl rather than a by.

'Unless you start making suggestions and more of an interest in naming our DD, we're just going to have to name her one of my suggestions' .... that should do it?

@Dearover
Whoops!

He's being unkind and dismissive all the same, and strangely unable to match the OP's excitement / nervousness / investment in this important part of getting ready for the baby.

I'd be getting the ick very strongly if I were her. He's treating his pregnant wife very badly.

I'd be interested to know if he treats her like this in general (the eye rolling and dismissiveness) or if this obnoxiousness has just appeared during her pregnancy.

I do think the OP probably feels raw and reactive, as I said. She wasn't asking for opinions on the names. She has had enough of that from her H.

There's so much wankpuffery about baby names these days that choosing something completely unremarkable becomes appealing in itself. A reminder that it's not your name anyway, and that some 140 million other babies are born worldwide each year too.

If only as much careful thought went into deciding whether to have a child, and choosing who you'll be co-parenting with for the next 20 years. Angst about what to name them is intelligence and discernment being pointlessly misapplied.

'I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly'

No, she will be called Utterly Butterly! Don't do it!

I’m not keen on any of the names you’ve listed, however it sounds like you like a style of names and your DH doesn’t. He’s allowed not to like names you like. Perhaps ask him to write a list of names he likes and you can look together for a perfect name.

Those are common Turkish/Arabic names.

Imre/Emre means friend. Harika means wonderful.

It sounds like your DH likes more traditional names than you have gone for. Maybe you can think about some more classic names and see if he’s more receptive to those and then you can come to some compromise? A colleague at work looked fairly embarrassed to introduce baby Juniper when his wife and baby visited the office and always refers to her as “the baby” outside of this introduction so I think it is important to get a name that both parents like.

Agree with this, he needs to come up with some ideas if is dismissing all of yours!

in your shoes I would become irritated by his response to your suggestions. It would feel like having to go to him for “sign off” / approval for the name choices, although he is contributing nothing.

I would create a list of names you like, set a date with him to talk about names, during which he needs to suggest a minimum of 3 that he likes .

good luck!! 🍀 xx

Interesting how aerated people get about names. In my experience it can be nice to have a story about why you chose a child’s name to share when they ask why you chose it. Eg one of my children’s names is similar in style to the OP’s list. I think it’s pretty, has a long history and it’s relatively uncommon but I also liked that it was the name of specific powerful women in history and of a favourite fictional character. I like family names as middle names. Obviously the most important thing is to get some positive contributions from your h and the oft-mentioned app might encourage him to engage. My suggestions for names with a similar romantic/vintage feel but maybe less ‘posh’ vibe: Honor, Vita, Vivienne, Nina, Clara, Cora, Lydia, Cecilia, Sophia, Phoebe, Audrey, Ursula, Maud & Felicity. Susan must be due a revival.

Margot from The Good Life for me.

Could you suggest less out there alternative to your names? E.g., Victoria instead of Octavia.

I think it’s just because she expects to get her own way and for some reason believes that because she’s a woman she gets to chose her DD’s name. All these suggestions of both parents coming up with a shortlist have been ignored, I presume because she doesn’t want a grown up conversation about it.

As a child-free women who isn't au fait with name trends I'm absolutely agog at the news that apparently Ottilie is very popular now. Just why????? I think otters are cute as well but I'm surprised so many mothers want to be put in mind of them when looking at their daughters.

(I can't imagine how researching names could possibly take hours. I could think of 30 decent, varied names in the next 5 minutes and that's a list right there.)

(Obviously OP's husband is not unreasonable to veto her... interesting name choices, but massively unreasonable not to suggest anything himself. Like I just said, it's not hard. 5 minutes, get a list together.)