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Original poster

Pissed off DH dismisses my name ideas

856 replies

Plum02 · 01/12/2024 20:42

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

  • Margot - ugly, hates it
  • Ophelia - horrible, hates it
  • Clementine - awful, hates it
  • Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
  • Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
  • Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

OP posts:
adriftinadenofvipers · 01/12/2024 23:36

I actually feel sorry for the poor bugger.

whoactuallyreallycares · 01/12/2024 23:36

Unless he gives any suggestions tell him to bugger off & choose what you like!

Doobeedoobeedoobee · 01/12/2024 23:37

Posters are really missing the point here- it’s not about whether the names are good or bad, it’s about you feeling respected, even where your partner disagrees.

When my partner and I had our first, we quickly made a rule that you couldn’t dismiss a name straight away - you had to sit with it. Gives you both time to think of it and avoids that awful feeling when you’ve fallen in love with a name and the other person just dismisses you!

ultimately any name has to be one you both agree on.

ThatTealViewer · 01/12/2024 23:39

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 01/12/2024 23:29

I was the previous poster. And it was an example of finding a name that was meaningful, by starting with things that you have in common, rather than an actual suggestion to call the kid Hermione. I think HP is badly written and Hermione is a difficult name to spell in reception class. Bloody hell - you seem…tiresome.

Show quote history

I genuinely have no idea how she got ‘name your child Hermione’ from what you said. Your initial comment was perfectly clear. And really sensible and helpful. But, that’s not what she wants, apparently.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2024 23:40

oakleaffy · 01/12/2024 23:02

It's even worse if one ''sees'' a name.

Ottilie is a heavy Beaver fur coat that smells of mothballs.

Octavia is reminiscent of car sickness on a hot day {Because of the car name}
Clementine is a peeled, juicy small orange that smarts the cuts on your fingers and Penelope is that puppet from Thunderbirds.

Show quote history

Clementine is Lady Spencer-Churchill, Winston Churchill's wife and quite a formidable woman in her own right.

Penelope is the wife of Odysseus who saw off all those suitors

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2024 23:41

whoactuallyreallycares · 01/12/2024 23:36

Unless he gives any suggestions tell him to bugger off & choose what you like!

Agreed.

greylamp · 01/12/2024 23:42

Hi OP haven’t read all replies so apologies if this has already been suggested but when I was in a similar position I told DH that unless he came up with some name suggestions of his own, I was going to just choose the one I liked best- might get him thinking and motivated to get involved??

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2024 23:44

Butchyrestingface · 01/12/2024 23:23

You started a thread asking:

but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

Well, you should have your answer now. The names are all a bit niche and many, if not most, posters on this thread do not like them so easy to see why your husband doesn't either.

That said, he needs to offer some suggestions of his own rather than just shoot down yours. Baby ain't gonna name itself.

They're far nicer than Brontë or Ettany which were 2 suggestions on here. Apart from Ophelia and Ottillie I like them.

Gatecrashermum · 01/12/2024 23:44

Sorry you're being shot down here OP and people have gotten completely off piste discussing the names you like.

The point surely is that he isn't contributing to this discussion. When my husband and I discussed names he was suggesting as many as me. We agreed to write a short list each then bring together and discuss, and have a shortlist for when baby was born. While it is very reasonable for each partner to have a veto, your husband is abusing his vetoing privileges and I think they should be revoked.

I think you need to say to your husband that you want to see his suggestions in a week, and you hope you can come up with 3 names you both like.

If he can't even make a suggestion you are just going to pick a name and he will have to lump it. He can pick middle name.

PS As for the names themselves, they are all of a certain style / sound. Would your husband prefer a different vibe? They all seem v normal to me - i know a clementine, 2 margots, 2 ottilies! Whatever his complaint - he needs to start beinf positive

PPS keep your surname and double barrel hers with your name. But maybe go for a simpler / shorter first name in that case. We double barrelled and our boy has a 2 syllable name

Original poster
Plum02 · 01/12/2024 23:44

ThatTealViewer · 01/12/2024 23:39

I genuinely have no idea how she got ‘name your child Hermione’ from what you said. Your initial comment was perfectly clear. And really sensible and helpful. But, that’s not what she wants, apparently.

Show quote history

I was using it as an example since it was the example she gave. Her suggestion was to think of a character from books, films or bands we like. Personally, I don’t want to name my DC after a character from a film or a famous person from a band. I’m not sure why that’s so controversial.

I haven’t asked for opinions on names and I don’t care if posters agree with my taste in names. The posts with suggestions of how to find names in common have been helpful but given this would put me off a name, it isn’t the right approach for us.

OP posts:
StandingSideBySide · 01/12/2024 23:46

Why would finding names you both like / have in common put you off a name.
Or am I misreading

Bunny44 · 01/12/2024 23:46

Plum02 · 01/12/2024 20:42

Currently pregnant with DC1. My favourite boys name since I was a child was “Sebastian” which he knew before I was even pregnant. He said he hated it - couldn’t give a reason, to the point where it felt like he’d once said that so felt like he had to double down.

I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and coming up with name ideas. It just so happens every name I like DH apparently “hates”. So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

  • Margot - ugly, hates it
  • Ophelia - horrible, hates it
  • Clementine - awful, hates it
  • Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
  • Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
  • Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it

A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”. Before I told him I said “you don’t have to respond straight away when I tell you, just take some time to think about it” - thinking that his automatic reaction seems to be to dismiss the names I suggest but if he thinks about it he might actually like it!

Of course as soon as I said it he said it he said “that is awful, I’m not calling my child otter”. I said “it’s Ottilie, the NN could be Tilly” then he starts telling a story about a pregnant 17 year old called Tilly (he has a public facing job).

He says I’m over-reacting to be annoyed just because he doesn’t like a name but I feel utterly depressed. He brings nothing to the table but it feels like before I even suggest something he’s made his mind up not to like it which feels so disrespectful. I also want to have a name I love, not just settle for something and it feels like I’ve exhausted all those names having gone through thousands to pick out the ones I love.

I feel like most men would be so much more laid back about girl’s names and let their wife take the lead, unless it’s something they truly hate - but how can he truly hate every name I come up with!

My son is Sebastian (his dad suggested it) and I have friends with girls called Etta, Ottlie, Margot and Ophelia - for all those dissing OP's choices, names like this are quite 'in' at the moment.

I agree that your husband shouldn't be so dismissive and at least come up with alternatives or talk them through. It is hard choosing names but he should at least be kind.

RogueFemale · 01/12/2024 23:48

@Plum02 So far I’ve suggested seven names I love:

  • Margot - ugly, hates it
  • Ophelia - horrible, hates it
  • Clementine - awful, hates it
  • Octavia - cars name, ridiculous
  • Etta - doesn’t even sound like a real name, awful
  • Penelope - sounds old fashioned, hates it
A few days ago I came across (and fell in love with) the name Ottilie. It’s unusual but classic, feminine and pretty. I thought it would be uncontroversial! I told him I’d found another name I love and before I even told him what it was he was rolling his eyes like “oh god, here we go”.

I think it's fair enough for him to have an input, but really not if it's entirely him being negative and saying no, don't like, without suggesting anything himself.

How about: Sibylla, Venetia or Pandora?

Original poster
Plum02 · 01/12/2024 23:49

Doobeedoobeedoobee · 01/12/2024 23:37

Posters are really missing the point here- it’s not about whether the names are good or bad, it’s about you feeling respected, even where your partner disagrees.

When my partner and I had our first, we quickly made a rule that you couldn’t dismiss a name straight away - you had to sit with it. Gives you both time to think of it and avoids that awful feeling when you’ve fallen in love with a name and the other person just dismisses you!

ultimately any name has to be one you both agree on.

I agree, I think when you sit with a name for a while you can really warm to it! And it feels like he’s got into the habit of automatically dismissing my suggestions because he disliked the first few so assumes he won’t like any! It’s so disheartening after getting excited about a name!

I’m going to try to get him to come up with a list and I’ll suggest a rule of 3 days or something before either or us can have vetoing rights!

OP posts:
LivelyMintViper · 01/12/2024 23:49

EvilsElsasPetSnowman · 01/12/2024 23:29

Sorry I agree those aren’t good choices, they’re a bit…influencer-y. I can’t think of a better word but those names won’t age well.

To me those names are when non-posh people try to give their a child a posh name.

Why not listen to his ideas

Edited

Because he would not give her any...

Commonsense22 · 01/12/2024 23:50

Plum02 · 01/12/2024 23:44

I was using it as an example since it was the example she gave. Her suggestion was to think of a character from books, films or bands we like. Personally, I don’t want to name my DC after a character from a film or a famous person from a band. I’m not sure why that’s so controversial.

I haven’t asked for opinions on names and I don’t care if posters agree with my taste in names. The posts with suggestions of how to find names in common have been helpful but given this would put me off a name, it isn’t the right approach for us.

Show quote history

I completely get it. I would also not have wanted to name my child after a famous person or character.

Of all the suggestions on thus thread, the app one seems maybe the most likely to engage your DH.

Mirabai · 01/12/2024 23:51

Middle class people calling their kids middle class names eh? Fancy that!

We can’t all be Kai and Madison.

OP insist he comes up with a top 10 list.

StandingSideBySide · 01/12/2024 23:51

Preferably a long list for both of you

(As an aside have you thought of Elodie )

Original poster
Plum02 · 01/12/2024 23:51

StandingSideBySide · 01/12/2024 23:46

Why would finding names you both like / have in common put you off a name.
Or am I misreading

No, a name having a strong association with a famous person or character would put me off it. PP suggested choosing a name based on someone from a band or film we like such as Hermione if he’s a HP fan. I don’t want my DC to be named after someone famous, I just want them to have a name we like it’s own right.

OP posts:
ThatTealViewer · 01/12/2024 23:52

Plum02 · 01/12/2024 23:44

I was using it as an example since it was the example she gave. Her suggestion was to think of a character from books, films or bands we like. Personally, I don’t want to name my DC after a character from a film or a famous person from a band. I’m not sure why that’s so controversial.

I haven’t asked for opinions on names and I don’t care if posters agree with my taste in names. The posts with suggestions of how to find names in common have been helpful but given this would put me off a name, it isn’t the right approach for us.

Show quote history

Her suggestion was to create a list of names that mean something to both of you. She then gave suggestions (not exhaustive or prescriptive) of possible sources. And examples of how it might work.

She did not say to name your DC after a character in anything or a famous person. Your desire not to do so isn’t controversial, but your complete inability to understand what she was saying is a bit baffling. If that approach doesn’t work for you, that’s fine. Just don’t misrepresent what was suggested.

This is what I meant upthread. You seem to just want to argue.

Diyextension · 01/12/2024 23:52

Waynetta is a classic

Homebird8 · 01/12/2024 23:52

I'm not sure your DHs behaviour is about names at all. It's almost as if he's still in a bit of denial about having the baby. It is perhaps so unbelievable to him that he simply can't engage in thinking of names. He possible doesn't like your suggestions either but the general blanket 'no' to anything, together with no offers of his ideas, hints at other reasons.

StandingSideBySide · 01/12/2024 23:54

Plum02 · 01/12/2024 23:51

No, a name having a strong association with a famous person or character would put me off it. PP suggested choosing a name based on someone from a band or film we like such as Hermione if he’s a HP fan. I don’t want my DC to be named after someone famous, I just want them to have a name we like it’s own right.

Show quote history

🥴 that’s a no from me too

as an aside did you know Clementine means merciful and Ottilie prosperous in battle….nice!

Mirabai · 01/12/2024 23:54

Diyextension · 01/12/2024 23:52

Waynetta is a classic

As is Garyanne.

Original poster
Plum02 · 01/12/2024 23:55

ThatTealViewer · 01/12/2024 23:52

Her suggestion was to create a list of names that mean something to both of you. She then gave suggestions (not exhaustive or prescriptive) of possible sources. And examples of how it might work.

She did not say to name your DC after a character in anything or a famous person. Your desire not to do so isn’t controversial, but your complete inability to understand what she was saying is a bit baffling. If that approach doesn’t work for you, that’s fine. Just don’t misrepresent what was suggested.

This is what I meant upthread. You seem to just want to argue.

Show quote history

I responded in the way I interpreted the comment. To me it sounded like she was saying we should find common ground by naming DC after a film, book or band and those were the examples she gave. I explained I wouldn’t want to name my DC after someone in that way and would prefer to find a name we like in it’s own right. I didn’t respond in an argumentative way - it’s you who seems to want to argue.

OP posts: