To expect my SIL to keep her aggressive cat away during Xmas?

[juiceboxjuggle]

My sister-in-law (SIL), has a cat that’s… let’s just say, difficult. The cat is quite aggressive—she’s bitten me before while I was just sitting on the sofa, scratched my husband simply for sitting too close to her toy, and even leapt at people with claws out from the back of a sofa or armchair. She also has this habit of scratching legs under the table while people are eating. It’s not exactly a relaxing presence.

This Christmas, we’re staying at my parents-in-law’s (PILs) house for two nights, which is non-negotiable with my husband. SIL will also be staying, and, as always, she’ll be bringing her cat. The cat is her world, and last year, when I gently suggested she keep the cat in a separate room during meals, she was really upset. She insists the cat needs to be “free to roam.”

As a result, last Christmas was stressful. Despite my best efforts to keep an eye on my two toddlers, one of them ended up with a big scratch from the cat while swinging their legs under the table—just normal kid behavior. To make matters worse, my husband has also been scratched in the past, simply because the cat was annoyed he wasn’t feeding her.

I’m dreading a repeat of last year and honestly don’t know how to handle this situation. How do I keep my kids safe without upsetting SIL again? I’d love to be able to enjoy a meal without constantly chasing the cat away or worrying about potential injuries. Any advice on how to navigate this?

our cat comes with us to my mums. he treats it like his second home, and is best friends with her dog. but if he's a nuisance during meals (sometimes is, usually isn't) then he gets shut in the spare bedroom until we're done eating.
it works really well for us, because when we go away for a few days, he stays with them, rather than just being checked on once a day (especially as he has four meals a day, and is VERY people orientated) he absolutely adores my stepdad after the time we went away for a weekend with my mum, and he gave him leftover roast duck.

this cat sounds like a nuisance. if they have a spare room the sister is staying in, the best thing to do would be to set it up as a nice, calming space for the cat, with some boxes to hide in, a tray, feeding station etc. and only bring the cat out in a harness, when they can be kept under control. our boy always used to visit in his harness until he and the dog were obviously safe and respectful of each other, and that he wouldn't cause absolute chaos. he used to just sit between us on the sofa. now he struts around like he owns the place. but he's a very well behaved cat, unless the kitchen door is open, then he goes in looking for food to steal. he once stole some baking beans, which had been washed and were drying on the side.

This is a revolting response. The cat doesn’t live there and essentially would be lost permanently. You aren’t a cat lover and such s a deliberate attempt to make the cat a stray and the SIL bereft is just horrible.

OP if it is as bad as you say then you should just stay home. Are your PIL on side for getting the cat put in the laundry or a cat carrier during meals?

Could you dress up separating the cat from DC for the cat's sake? As others have mentioned the cat sounds stressed and would probably be happier with less exposure to a strange place and people. She should be confined to a smaller area (ideally one room), at least at mealtimes. Emphasise that you can't guarantee your DC won't pester the cat if she's roaming freely.

If it were me, I wouldn't be going there and neither would my children. It's not fair that you should be anxious and worrying about the cat attacking someone when you should be able to relax and enjoy your Christmas. I'd tell DH he can go if he wants to but that means he's prioritising his sister's feelings over his wife and children.

This is much more simple than you are making it out. You approach the hosts. You are not comfortable in the house if they have a free roaming cat there.

so it’s their choice. You and the children are happy to have a Christmas at home and visit another time of they decide they want the cat to have free roaming.

your husband then has a decision to make.

The catnip etc advice is good although I prefer the water pistol option 😉
Seriously, I'd not be going. Cats do not take precedence over children!
BTW, is there a reason you go to the PIL's every year and not to yours?

Have you posted about this before?

To the family group chat :

”Hi PIL & SIL, we’re really struggling this year, and just want to have Christmas at home with just the kids and us. You’re welcome to pop round for drinks / Christmas dinner / pudding / buffet tea, of course! If you need a lift, DH is on taxi duty punishment for refusing to be honest with his SIL so please let us know. House is not suitable for cats, but I’m sure she’ll welcome some time to herself if you do visit. “

You have two choices

Get some pet corrector and everytime she tries to attack, spray it. Don’t spray it AT the cat. It’s a sharp SHHH noise meant to deter the behaviour. It’s not an actual spray. It usually scares them off

or you go for the opposite way of taking toys, cat nip and dreamies.

Make lots of fuss, really calm her down and give her treats when she’s nice and calm. Ignore when she’s not

“Dear SIL, last year our dc were really quite upset about being scratched at the dinner table by Cat, and as you know cats’ claws are not clean so any scratch wound is potentially a source of infection. This year I really don’t want anyone getting injured. What will you be able to do to prevent Cat scratching people from under the table? Would it help to have a little cave space for her [link to cat stress/ stress relief] that she can retreat to while we’re socialising and eating?”

if she’s unhelpful in response,
”I’m really sorry, but while I understand you putting Cat above DC, as DCs’ mum I can’t do that. So we will have to avoid Cat by staying at home/ eating in a different room/ whatever might be feasible. Hopefully we’ll all still be able to have a nice day with no injuries.” (Maybe not the last bit 😬)

The cat stays in a separate room while you’re eating. SIL can have cuddles afterwards or go eat her dinner with it. If she can’t be separated for longer than an hour then maybe get her some therapy for Xmas. In any case take feliway and cheese dreamies. Even BloodFang will fall for the latter.

Oh and to anyone saying “boot the cat”/“slap the cat” or otherwise release the cat outside somewhere that isn’t its home - what the fuck is wrong with you?

Anybody who knows anything about cats knows that a. They hate travelling and b. It takes them at least a couple of CALM weeks to settle into a new home.
So this poor cat is horribly stressed. I'm not surprised it lashes out. Tell your SIL you've figured out why the cat is aggressive and that it will be far happier at home alone.
I can't believe any cat owner can be so irresponsible or cruel as to take a cat away for a few nights to a house full of strangers.

Buy her a cat cage & a vibrator for Xmas.

I adore cats, have always had them - but taking one to someone's house is what is making the cat so aggressive. It is clearly terrified.

Why the hell can't your SIL leave the cat in its own home and ask someone to go in and feed it? Yes, a paid cat-sitter might well be expensive, but it seems the most logical thing to do, which would be best for the cat AND the whole family.

No one is doing your SIL any favours with this charade. Its literally pandering to very negative and anxious inducing behaviour patterns that will ultimately make her more miserable and less adjusted to the world.

I wouldn't be allowing my kids to witness such behaviour by their aunt or be attacked by a cat just to keep family peace. Those are not normal things and you need to ensure you step in if your DH is too weak to do so.

Honestly families can be completely batshit at Christmas.

Your husband is a complete wet lettuce. The cat is not the problem, it's a symptom. He would literally rather that his kids get scratched to shit on Christmas day than have a reasonable adult conversation that may involve an amount of conflict. Insanity. How does he manage to navigate work and life in general?

Anyway. In your shoes I'd just not be going. If he isn't going to resolve the cat problem and make it safe and enjoyable for you and the kids then just put your foot down and say no. You can do that if you choose, but like your husband you need to be prepared to deal with conflict to achieve a suitable resolution.

At least one of you needs to put their grown up pants on.

After reading all your posts, I feel so sorry for SIL. She sounds so lonely.

SIL because she gets VERY upset about the lack of a man

The grass is always greener. Having sampled both being single and an 'avoids conflict' husband, id take the former any day.

I love cats but she sounds deranged!

I say this as somebody who loves my own pets very much.

Why is everyone enabling this batshit crazy behaviour.
Why are you not advocating for your own children? If cat is there, tell your DH that you and the DC stay at home.
If my own DH did this to avoid conflict with his family, then I would sure as hell be kicking up a fuss and causing conflict at home to defend the children.

Absolutely 💯 one of my parents put their in-laws and even friends etc ahead of their immediate family to “keep the peace” (didn’t mind disturbing the peace at home and putting us in danger though) so it’s always something I was wary of in a partner and if I seen signs of it while dating it was a dealbreaker.

Stand up to your husband and say ‘no’, you won’t risk your children getting hurt by that effing cat

God your sister in law sounds hard work. No wonder she's single. Your husband also sounds very wet. Why on earth won't he address this with HIS family? He's clearly scared of them.

I would be fuming that the entire family are worrying about hurting a cats feelings but apparently nobody has an issue with your children being scratched/hurt/upset on what should be a really exciting day for them.

I would just say that if the cat is the number one priority then ok. But you refuse to have your Christmas ruined because either your children will likely be scratched and you will have to spend the whole time on high alert.

It's Christmas FFS and there are kids, shouldn't they be the priority rather than everyone bending to the will of a grown woman who is acting like a toddler herself?

I really think it sounds like and incredibly stressful experience for the cat as well (as has been mentioned up thread) to be moved to a different house, and not surprised it is aggressive. Some breeds might put up with that, but doubt many cats would like it.
Suggest trying Cat in a flat website. It suggests cat sitters that visit your house once/twice a day and they are rated, so you can see how good they are. They will send pictures and an update, plus fuss the cat if it wants it. My cats have been looked after this way and the sitters have been amazing with them - even my super shy cat will comes out. And I have always found people on that site for Xmas.

I love cats, but would be really upset to have my toddler trapped in the room with an aggressive one, that is probably very stressed.

@MintyFreshest lets stop bashing single people please! Yes this woman sounds like a horror, but some of the worst people on earth are married.

the ‘no wonder she’s single’ comments are so fucking awful and misogynistic.