To expect my SIL to keep her aggressive cat away during Xmas?

[juiceboxjuggle]

My sister-in-law (SIL), has a cat that’s… let’s just say, difficult. The cat is quite aggressive—she’s bitten me before while I was just sitting on the sofa, scratched my husband simply for sitting too close to her toy, and even leapt at people with claws out from the back of a sofa or armchair. She also has this habit of scratching legs under the table while people are eating. It’s not exactly a relaxing presence.

This Christmas, we’re staying at my parents-in-law’s (PILs) house for two nights, which is non-negotiable with my husband. SIL will also be staying, and, as always, she’ll be bringing her cat. The cat is her world, and last year, when I gently suggested she keep the cat in a separate room during meals, she was really upset. She insists the cat needs to be “free to roam.”

As a result, last Christmas was stressful. Despite my best efforts to keep an eye on my two toddlers, one of them ended up with a big scratch from the cat while swinging their legs under the table—just normal kid behavior. To make matters worse, my husband has also been scratched in the past, simply because the cat was annoyed he wasn’t feeding her.

I’m dreading a repeat of last year and honestly don’t know how to handle this situation. How do I keep my kids safe without upsetting SIL again? I’d love to be able to enjoy a meal without constantly chasing the cat away or worrying about potential injuries. Any advice on how to navigate this?

Give your toddlers a noisy toy that will scare the cat away.

Perfect message, well done OP!

I’m not even a parent and I know it’s not feasible or sustainable to monitor the situation constantly and be able to react fast enough if the kids are going to be attacked -cats are very fast!

Your husband knows all this too, he is presenting a fake “solution” to try and avoid having to confront his sister while pretending that he is looking out for his kids safety.

He really is the bigger problem in all this.

I’d tell your SIL “don’t worry about being single, it could be worse - you could be married to a man who wants to prioritise his sisters cat over his own kids”.

SIL sounds bats.

Assuming she can't host, so that the poor cat can stay in its own territory for Christmas, I would ask her to clip the cat's claws short before arrival, and I would take some claw clippers and an old towel in my packing and do it myself if she hadn't.

If neither of you can manage that, I think a festive water spray is the only solution.

When my family visits my SiL (DH's sister), they keep their cats away from all of us - it would stress out the cats as there is so much activity around during the visit. I don't like cats so I'd prefer them not to be around me, and there has never ever been an issue. I just can't get over how much of a wet blanket your DH is about this.

I see you have already messaged PIL to say you are not comfortable with the cat being around- well done!

Cat bites can be very serious. I was recently hospitalised by one for 2 nights, with IV antibiotics & surgery. I imagine it would be even worse for DC! Hospital staff said this is very common. So glad you are being cautious.

Of course your human children trump her animal. Only someone totally unhinged would think otherwise.

Good luck OP I think you are going to need it.

Buy the kids water pistols for christmas and give them permission to squirt the cat when it attacks them.

Who the fuck takes a cat to someone's house for Christmas. Ridiculous. YANBU OP.

But at the moment, her “child” trumps yours because it’s allowed to misbehave and attack. Your children aren’t allowed to scratch or attack anyone I take it?

SiL is totally bonkers and PiL and DH are enabling her crazy behaviour. And as for crying if the cat can’t roam free… what utter shite

Honestly, her awful cat (which as an internet stranger I am finding a hilarious beast, aside from the child injuries; but I appreciate this is your life) is a fucking liability and if my kids were hurt by someone like SIL this way (and it is SIL’s fault, not the cat’s), gloves would be off. I’d be tempted to go nuclear and say, “You know what, SIL, perhaps you wouldn’t be alone and no one’s priority if you weren’t so fucking loony about your HORRIBLE DEVIL CAT. It’s not coming to Christmas, because it’s a CAT.”

Even if you’re less aggressive-aggressive than me (I’ve tried passive aggressive and I just prefer snarling), make sure to only ever refer to it as it. Refuse to engage in her fur baby games.

(I love cats, btw. But your SIL is criminally insane.)

KoKo's point, I think, was if SIL was really putting her cat/child substitute FIRST, she'd let the poor thing stay in its own home and not be in strange house with young children for several days.

It's going to be a frigging nightmare because it's stressed and in an unfamiliar environment. SIL is putting herself and her delusions before the welfare of the cat.

Well done on that message.

When I was a kid my gran had a vicious siamese, which she loved. At 3 yrs old it scratched me down the face, missing my eye by mm. After that, my mum pulled me away from it every time we visited.

It took 30 years for me to get over my fear of cats enough to visit a house with one. I don't remember gran's cat, but I do remember learning to be terrified of them. You have a tough job to keep kids safe from DSiL's cat, and not teach them to fear all felines...

Are you OP's SIL? If not, what do you mean?

I was talking about the many people who claim the cat is being prioritised, which I don't think is really the case since being dragged along on a Christmas visit is horrible for the cat.

SIL is the one being prioritised.

The cat isn't a child however and people need to stop pandering to her , including your DH

Have Christmas at your own home and stop indulging these people

I see and thanks for pointing that out. I didn't realise if that's what she meant.

SiL is totally bonkers and PiL and DH are enabling her crazy behaviour. And as for crying if the cat can’t roam free… what utter shite

Bit off topic but this reminds me of a flat ad I saw online when I was younger. The person looking for a housemate said his cat needed to be able to roam the house and have access to everywhere.

I messaged to clarify if he meant excluding the bedroom I’d be renting and he said no - it needed to have access to my bedroom too.

At least he let people know what they were signing up for and his flat his rules I guess, but I thought it was bonkers - the idea of paying good money (it was London) to rent a room in a flat and then having to let a cat that’s not yours come in to the bedroom -maybe even the bathroom too - whenever it wanted is crazy to me. Especially when we don’t know its temperament.

I'd probably tell her that every time her cat attacked or scratched one of my kids I'd slap her in the face. That way the cat doesn't get injured but I'd feel better about it...

She's a massive, massive bellend. Nobody would put up with this shite from a dog so why a cat?

I love animals. It's a fucking cat. It doesn't know it's Christmas! I'd never hurt an animal but I'd hurt a person for being such a twat at the sight of kids getting injured by one. Fucks sake.

I find that sad that your Mum kept visiting your Gran without insisting the cat be kept away from you. It could easily have lunged for you despite your mums best efforts to keep an eye on things.

Cat would have got a boot up the bum if it scratched my child, and banned.

Tell sil its an animal not a child, it’s not remotely equal to your dc, if she cries, just tell her the truth, that she is manipulative and needs therapy and a reality check.

In fact I wouldn’t spend Christmas with such a weird woman.

Their family dynamic is hard to explain to anyone that doesn't know them personally but I'll give it my best shot...

MIL and SIL are very reactive and emotional. They cry at everything / a lot of things, whether that be happy or sad. They seem to have lots of feelings about any event and look for the meaning behind things (for example - this means DH is prioritising children so SIL feels like she is no one's priority, the cat is being shut in a room so the SIL's fur baby is being treated as inferior to my babies, MIL was very upset that someone at our wedding accidentally wore the same colour as her and cried about it). DH and FIL (and myself) are the opposite - driven by rationality. More concerned about what's actually happening and practical things than the feelings behind them. And maybe that's insensitive? The dynamic between FIL and MIL is very much FIL apologising for anything, agreeing with everything, to prevent things blowing up. In the same way they all walk on eggshells with SIL especially when it concerns families / babies / those topics.

If I started crying because I felt the vibe was off with DH he would think I've lost the plot because it's so out of character. With MIL that could happen. SIL could easily run out of the room emotionally if he makes a vaguely insensitive comment (unintentional) or she's cried previously after he left a (distant family member's) wedding after the ceremony to go on a weekend away him and I had planned (dating stage, pre marriage) because it left her lonely there and reminded her she's single. Same with the cat, it's not the actions of him protecting his kids, it's the significance behind it - showing her cat doesn't matter as much.

So he tries to avoid that kind of drama, just like his dad does, and he knows from me it'll be a calm conversation rather than sobbing and slamming doors.

I used to have one of these territorial cats ( I never took her to other houses for Christmas of course but she was very choosy about who could be welcomed in our house 😆), your DH is very naive you basically will need to be glued to your kids all the time without drinking do his reaction time will not be affected. And it’s very scary for a child even if the scratch is small.
Your text is very good. Hope it will be resolved.

i wouldn't be able to put up with this. SIL contains the cat, or DH goes with the DCs alone.
Or you go and the first time the cat attacks a DC you leave and go home.
Water pistols for everyone who doesn't want the cat near them?

She is being ridiculous, i get she's sad because she doesn't have children, but your children DO rank higher than the bloody cat. If they don't, i wouldn't be taking them anywhere near it.

Sorry Op your husbands family is weird with unhealthy dynamics but so is he by going along with it. His sister being upset at him going away on a weekend away with you because it reminded her of being single? Ugh 🤢

, it's the significance behind it - showing her cat doesn't matter as much.

But her cat doesn’t matter as much, does she and your MIL think her cat should matter as much to your husband (or even his parents) as your kids??

I don’t really get the “it’s the significance behind it” surely that’s the same with most people to an extent, we are all emotional beings but we still wouldn’t try and prioritise someone having a cat next to them at Christmas over safety of children.

So he tries to avoid that kind of drama, just like his dad does, and he knows from me it'll be a calm conversation rather than sobbing and slamming doors.

So what you are telling us is he’s basically taking advantage of your “good nature” and doing what he feels will cause him less drama rather than doing what is right and safe for his wife and kids?!

Embarrassing (for him) .

Your husband is behaving very poorly.

@Tisthesaizon ok so to explain "the significance behind it"...

(And yes, i agree we are all emotional, just to different extents)

Eg1. DH couldn't be there for our second child's birth because DC1 was too young, would be way way more comfortable with DH than any grandparents or friends, DH had already witnessed one birth ... and for a million other reasons it made more sense for DH to stay with DC1 and then just come to collect us from the hospital. I was also very much ok with that and preferred to birth alone than know DC1 is distressed. MIL kept repeating "how can a father miss the birth" "how can a child enter the world without the dad welcoming them" etc.
Eg2. DH and I had covid one Xmas and MIL was insisting we should still visit because we can't spend Xmas apart, it's Xmas, it won't be the same if the whole family isn't there. We didn't visit because we both think it's ridiculous to come and infect them. Yes it's Xmas but practically speaking it's just a day, and it's not worth infecting others.