To expect my SIL to keep her aggressive cat away during Xmas?

[juiceboxjuggle]

My sister-in-law (SIL), has a cat that’s… let’s just say, difficult. The cat is quite aggressive—she’s bitten me before while I was just sitting on the sofa, scratched my husband simply for sitting too close to her toy, and even leapt at people with claws out from the back of a sofa or armchair. She also has this habit of scratching legs under the table while people are eating. It’s not exactly a relaxing presence.

This Christmas, we’re staying at my parents-in-law’s (PILs) house for two nights, which is non-negotiable with my husband. SIL will also be staying, and, as always, she’ll be bringing her cat. The cat is her world, and last year, when I gently suggested she keep the cat in a separate room during meals, she was really upset. She insists the cat needs to be “free to roam.”

As a result, last Christmas was stressful. Despite my best efforts to keep an eye on my two toddlers, one of them ended up with a big scratch from the cat while swinging their legs under the table—just normal kid behavior. To make matters worse, my husband has also been scratched in the past, simply because the cat was annoyed he wasn’t feeding her.

I’m dreading a repeat of last year and honestly don’t know how to handle this situation. How do I keep my kids safe without upsetting SIL again? I’d love to be able to enjoy a meal without constantly chasing the cat away or worrying about potential injuries. Any advice on how to navigate this?

People who treat animals like humans, especially people who treat them like human babies, are cruel.

The cat would be so much happier at home with someone coming in to feed it.

Your SIL shouldn't have a pet at all if she can't remember that different species have different needs.

I agree with PPs that you should come at this from a cat welfare approach. A happy confident cat wouldn't behave like that. Maybe it naturally has an aggressive and nervous nature but the way she's treating it is clearly exacerbating the problem and I wouldn't be surprised if she's made the poor creature neurotic.

Can't you just shut you all in the room to eat without the cat

I can't imagine transporting our cats to someone else's house and then having them surrounded by people they barely know - they'd be utterly stressed out!

If I had to do this, I'd shut them in the bedroom with a Feliway diffuser, catnip toys, a splendid dinner and a litter tray. I'd also have the cat carrier in there so they could take refuge - but really, I can't imagine them being happy at all.

It's ironic that nobody here is 'putting the cat first'. SIL is firmly putting herself first, way before her poor cat.

in-law’s (PILs) house for two nights, which is non-negotiable with my husband

Of course it is negotiable. And if he finds conflict so difficult it should be an easy negotiation. "Our children are not staying in a house with that cat"

I would look for a hotel nearby and go for dinner as a compromise but no way would we be staying 2 nights.

Who cares?!

It's sounds like it's the SIL who needs the smack, it's not the cat's fault. Not that I'm advocating violence :sigh::, I'm just saying.

So... wish me luck. I've sent the following to the group chat even though DH was strongly against.

Hey PILs,

I’m starting to get a bit nervous about Christmas this year with Cat around. As you might recall, Cat scratched DC1 last year, and I’m really not comfortable risking the same happening again this year.

I totally get that Cat is SIL’s baby, and separating them would be devastating , so Cat must come with SIL but I’ve got to put my own kids first. Maybe, for the couple of days we’re there, Cat could stay in a room that neither I nor the kids go into?

If that’s not possible, how about you come to ours in mid-December for an early Christmas meal instead? Let me know what works best!

No, the cat has to be free to roam ie no rooms off limits. Otherwise SIL cries

The SIL is also in the group chat, this is the family group chat

Perfect message, you have given PILs 2 very reasonabke solutions.

Well done op, let's hope they see sense. You have crafted a really nice message with solutions.

Time to set a boundary - if the cat is staying in the house with SIL for the two days and cannot be contained in a room for its own safety and comfort, then you will stay in a hotel and come for the main meals.

Ask for the cat to be contained in SIL room for the time your children are there.

If she won't do that then make it clear that at the first incident you and kids will be going back to the hotel - even if that is in the middle of Christmas lunch.

If there ends up being an incident then you don't do Christmas in the house with the cat.

Most cats can be 'trained' to certain extent to accept the basic boundaries of their pack.

Good work @juiceboxjuggle

If PILS agree then host them generously and don’t mention the damn cat or ridiculous SIL.

I suspect that what will happen next is that DH will get an over emotional phone call. Remind him he can go. You and DC will not. Tbh I wouldn’t trust a word they say about keeping the cat separate.

@purplepandas @Ellie1015 DH not happy because he is sure that SIL will be upset because our kids trump her "child" and it's a reminder that really she is alone and childless and no one's priority (her words, she often says this)

Well DH has to recognise the choice is upset SIL Vs injured children.

Your kids do trump the cat. However if your toddlers were unkind to the cat i expect you would seperate them and make sure cat had a safe space to retreat to.

I can understand sil will not be happy, but her happiness does not come before children's comfort ie not being scratched and feeling safe.

It is such a pity that your DH is not willing to stand up for his kids or his wife in this matter. Is he normally like this where the in-laws are concerned?

I think your message on the family chat is perfect. Now the hard part will follow. You have drawn your line in the sand and you must stand by it. That may mean standing up to your husband closer to Christmas (hopefully it won't come to that but you have to prepare yourself that it might).
Be ready for the family to kick off about this - they may get other relations involved to try to cajole you into the visit after all. Don't give in. Those relation will be the flying monkeys, doing the bidding of either SiL or MiL or both.

Stay firm in your resolve and you will succeed.

Perfect message OP! Very reasonable and kind.

Your SIL is a really irresponsible owner. The poor cat should be in her own environment and slowly socialized if she's aggressive or territorial which takes a lot of time. I had to do the same with mine who came from an abusive background and putting him in a cosy safe space while there was a visitor was a kindness! She's doing her a huge disservice.

I've missed the last 2 family Christmases as it would always be family who would mind him when I went away 😂

No big deal, chill out with the cat Christmas day, and I visit the days before or after instead or they come to me. All things I accepted when I originally decided to take on the responsibility of having a pet.

I think in his view I'm making it a bigger deal than it is - whilst he recognises that the scratching incident did happen last year, he feels we could both just shoo the cat away when needed and keep a watchful eye on the kids at all times. I feel that's not really possible: at some point one of us will get distracted / need to pee / be mid-mouthful etc. also who wants to spend a whole 2.5-3 days on high alert?!

i love cats an i dont have dc myself but your sil is being selfish an patheti

shes emtionally blakmailing you all crying beause her cat wont be in the same room as everyone? its probably freake out by all the people its not used to being around an lashing out

your pil andh ar4e panering to her a grown woman its a joke

Well done OP for sending that text, again as a child free woman I think she is being totally selfish. Yes she is no-ones priority in a way and I do sympathise with that, but that still doesn’t justify your kids being injured. And tbf it seems like no-one aside from her cat is her priority either.

And your husband needs to wake up and think about the fact she is not upset at the risk of his kids being injured or feeling stressed out as a result of her cat .

At least the children have at least one parent fighting their corner.

Fucking hell she sounds tiring. And I say that as a child free dog lover. I adore my dogs, but they are pets, not children!

PIL indulging her like this is very unhelpful. Stand your ground and tell your H to grow a bloody backbone. Why is it OK for his wife and kids to spend Christmas on edge for fear of being attacked by Mog the merciless, but we can't possibly upset SIL by telling her to get a grip?

I would be ashamed by my dh if he was acting like this. I mean, come on man! Put your kids above a cat and hurt feelings

Putting the cat first. Before children? I agree I am not putting the cat first.