To feel shell shocked at the party aftermath?

[outofbattery]

I'm a bit shell shocked and need to air my thoughts somewhere.

We had a party at home last night. It's an annual event, with 8-10 families. So about 30-40 people. The parents are usually in/around the kitchen and dining area and the kids have the run of the lounge and kids bedroom upstairs. Pretty hands off adulting. Kids get checked on periodically/we're not far away if needed. This has worked well for years, with the amount of supervision decreasing as the kids get older. We're just next door if anything starts sounding suss. The oldest kids who usually come are now around 6. I'd say usually it takes me around an hour to clear up the chaos of the fancy dress box, toys etc from the kids. Very few broken items (accidents happen, that's fine) or disasters. Everyone plays nicely together.

Yesterday we had a new family in the mix, and I cannot believe the difference. The children (not just the two new ones I'm sure, but they seem to have been the instigators) have drawn on walls, hammered a wooden table with I presume a pen so it has chips in the varnish and dents in the wood, they've taken additional food and hidden the evidence (wrappers stuffed down the back of the sofa and under the carpet etc). They played knock and run on my neighbours door (climbed the garden fence which the littlest definitely can't do), kept turning up the music till it was deafening, used fruit shoots as water pistols. A bunch of the kids were discovered under the bed in my room at one point as these children were leading a hunt for Christmas presents. Anything I asked them not to do they then either did or tried to get others to do it. They lied directly to my face, convinced the youngers to carry out tasks which would get them in trouble. The list goes on. I asked the parents to intervene several times and the response was 'what's the point? They don't listen to me!'. I know it wasn't just them doing the things, but I'm very certain it was the older/newer two leading the way on everything. Am quite astonished how quickly the other 15 or so children stopped behaving like the nice, trustworthy, chilled out kids that they usually are.

I can't decide whether it's these two in particular and to never invite them to my home again, or is this just what we have to look forward to from 7 (almost 8) year olds?! We've honestly never had an issue in the past even with 10+ tiny toddlers/preschoolers/5 year olds running riot.

Really upset about my walls and furniture :( feel like I've come into the scene of a 'teenagers left alone' party, not a bunch of 3-7 year olds!!

I of course meant 'delete them from the guest list!' Not suggesting anything dramatic lol

I think youre lucky one hasnr eaten something they arent supposed to like bkeech, coins, batteries, taboets etc as they were toddlers. Lots of kids can do stuff for the first time.
However the post really does highlight that some kids behaviour is on a completely different scale. Adhd etc or ineffective parents.

However this is why schools struggle so much as it only takes 1 or more kids who cant or wont behave and it just spreads round the whole group. I see this especially in out of school activities.

I'm astounded you've never had any problems before. You must have very easy chilled out children!
When my daughter (age 6 nearly 7) has 3 friends round it's chaotic! I can't imagine how 10 8 year olds would behave. You've been lucky.

Anyway, just say never again to the parties.... You have good reason!

I honestly cannot imagine leaving a large group of even normally well behaved young children completely unattended.
Madness.

Not surprised at all that two slightly older children gave them the go ahead to run amok.
Without supervision it is really not unbelievable.

Photograph the damage and say this is a new development so unfortunately will be the last time.

I wouldn't have those new additions near my house again.

I do feel though that you allowing it to continue after you pointed it out, and were ignored, means part of this is on you.

Very disrespectful of your home.

Sorry to hear you experienced that, OP.
In my experience, sadly, some children can be really disrespectful of other people’s property. My DC has asked me never to host parties with a big group of kids anymore, after hosting it a few times and having disrespectful kids trashing stuff!
In response to the PP saying to you that you should have kicked out the new family - I can imagine how that might have been difficult to do in the middle of the party, plus it was more an accumulation of what they did and you discovering the brunt of it at the end.

Are these friends on a group WhatsApp?

I'd send photos of the damage and expect an apology from the parents.

Also no more parties.

We often used to have parties with this many children of those sorts of ages and would leave them fairly unsupervised and nothing like this ever happened. The worst year was when I made really squidgey brownies, the children loved them and no one did a particularly good job of wiping their hands and there were hand prints everywhere!. That was innocent, though, not intentional like this clearly was. I think all of the DC in the groups we hosted and there were four different groups knew that they would be in so much trouble if they did anything like that that they just wouldn't dare. If they had climbed a fence, their parents would have taken them home immediately. There was exuberance (a couple have since been diagnosed as ADHD) and silliness but nothing deliberate.

Goodness wasn't expecting so many responses!

Feels like the majority are leaning towards that these are extreme results. I grew up in a very rural area with parties on farms. Kids would be in a completely different space to the parents and rarely checked on. I don't remember anyone being disrespectful of the property. Feels like a shame overall that kids aren't offered the same freedom these days. However my experience of this particular group has led me to be rather relaxed and trusting of the people present. To my detriment this year evidently!

By 'hands off' I basically mean we weren't all in the same room constantly. Light touch but attentive when needed is the perfect description (thanks @greenbirds). It's a 1940's terrace house so not exactly massive. There are still some toddlers in the mix being trailed after by parents so adults are in and out of the 'kid space' relatively often. A lot of behaviour is caught/redirected before it gets out of hand in this way; usually reminders about food/drink staying in the kitchen or not jumping on the furniture etc. The worst result from previous years has been a potty accident or small breakages caused by innocent accident, hence the surprise this year. Mostly an adult returns from the loo/popping next door and says "this was happening but I've had a word/removed the drink/made them tidy up' (as happened this year) or whatever. It's never been worse than that.

Until my discoveries today I'd say the worst that happened yesterday was kids running in to say x & y had jumped the (6 foot!!!) fence. They were read the riot act by me and the garden was closed unless there was an adult. That and the fruit shoot upstairs (which was discovered and dealt with by another adult). Otherwise no action was repeated (except the music volume) or felt that dramatic at the time (I didn't like them being in my room but we handled it). Lots of isolated incidents which by the end of the party had me realising the same names had been mentioned repeatedly, with little/no action by their adults. Discovering the drawing partially hidden by the curtains today (got the pen out of their dad's coat apparently, my DC say they told the dad at the time) and what I've now been told are Lego gouges on the table (which was my great grandads, not impressed!) has sent it over the edge. Obviously the jumping the wall isn't okay, but if you looked at my garden I think the most hardened parents would call it small kid proof. I didn't anticipate people standing on water tables and making a break for it. There were a gaggle of them and they'd had sugar, I expect it to be a bit chaotic but not rude, not leaving lasting damage and not dangerous.

No individual incident felt like a 'chuck them out/end the party' moment. But the whole picture left me wondering if this is more the consequences of older children, or new influences. Thanks to those who have responded here I think I have a better idea now.

It won't be our last party. After years of success, cancelling the whole thing after one bad experience feels rather defeatist. I also think it's healthy for children to have time/space without adults in the same room as them. Up until now it's been fine. Percentage wise that feels like more than luck. Next year will probably be the clincher as to whether we make it a smaller crowd for future!

Also thank you for the advice on what to do next. I wasn't asking for ideas here but the responses have been useful and sensible! Have taken photos and sent it around to all the attendees with a 'Few unwanted souvenirs from last night' type message. Chalk it up to experience and see how 2025 goes. We usually do a summer version too though it's a lot lower stakes when we're all just together in the garden. Tidy up takes 15 minutes then, bliss!

Is it the new family (possibly partly) or is it that the kids are all two or three years older than they previously have been and therefore en masse are now able to cause absolute carnage? I'd say it's mostly the latter

After the first time their parents did nothing you had a choice - either allow it to continue, or politely ask them to leave. I know what I'd have done, having actually done it once.
You knew they were misbehaving because you spoke to their parents, it would have been a good time to actually have a look around and check what was going on.

Why would anyone expect their house to get destroyed? Not all children are feral.

Its the new kids. I was a very well behaved child, but I remember once being at an event where some other kids were doing naughty things I wanted to, but never would. At some point I just thought why shouldn't I do it as well?
Up to you if you want to host again or not. Do not invite the new kids into your home again ever. Only invite kids back into your home if their parents are the kind to read their kids the riot act after this, and if they apologise for their kids in a heartfelt way. Do not invite anyone back who says a variation on what did you expect. This behaviour is not inevitable.
And I got read the riot act.

I think it is fair enough to put a message out now on whatsapp with photos of the damage and state how deeply disappointed you are and that you will have to think hard next year about holding another party.

I agree with this. And one by one, the decent people will be in touch to apologise. And they’ll have read the riot act to their kids, who’ll have said “it wasn’t me, it was Ben and Suzy”. And if you are repeatedly told “it was Ben and Suzy”, then you’ll probably have your answer. And no - there’s no way I’d invite them again…

This level of destruction and misbehaviour doesn't sound normal at all. The older mine have got the more calm and respectful they have got. Even if they are being a bit wild and silly and excited it wouldn't be willful bad behaviour and if there was, my eldest (8yo boy) would immediately come to tell me.

Hunt the Christmas presents? With little ones in tow? Fuck that, they'd be gone like a shot from my house. And the chap door run, absolutely not tolerated. I'd have read them the riot act at the time and ejected them. Easy for me to say, I do get that, but my blood is boiling on your behalf OP.

I don’t think it’s older children! I have older kids and they’re more likely to gravitate towards the TV or games console at a party than toys or games, but the worst I’d be dealing with is telling them not to race around with nerf guns or leave sweet wrappers lying around. They certainly wouldn’t damage furniture or draw on walls. In fact, they’d be horrified at other kids doing that and would come and tell an adult. I think this is a case of not being taught respect rather than age!

Absolutely. Not all of us have feral children or are friends with those that do. Most children beyond toddler hood know how to behave.

When they are a little older ours would watch films upstairs which worked well. The family party years are finite though by mid teens they pare off into their own social groups.

I think you're absolutely right. Laissez-faire parenting.

I agree. You take a risk when you invite so many people, still pretty bad manners though. No more parties. If anybody asks why tell them the truth.

I also remember my mother inviting a new family over whose kids absolutely trashed our bedroom while the parents were downstairs. We were horrified. We weren’t told off though parents knew it was the visitors they were totally feral. Even funnier fast forward 25 years our younger sibling married into their family !

Why? Because the OP hosts an annual party?

The parents who were unwilling to step in are at fault. Is that the new ones? I'd uninvite them.

@outofbattery when their parents said “they don’t listen to me” that was your opportunity to say, “well, they’re going to have to listen to you now when you tell them it’s time to leave. It’s time for you all to go, I’ll get your coats”

Imagine admitting that your children don't listen to you. How pathetic.