To feel shell shocked at the party aftermath?

[outofbattery]

I'm a bit shell shocked and need to air my thoughts somewhere.

We had a party at home last night. It's an annual event, with 8-10 families. So about 30-40 people. The parents are usually in/around the kitchen and dining area and the kids have the run of the lounge and kids bedroom upstairs. Pretty hands off adulting. Kids get checked on periodically/we're not far away if needed. This has worked well for years, with the amount of supervision decreasing as the kids get older. We're just next door if anything starts sounding suss. The oldest kids who usually come are now around 6. I'd say usually it takes me around an hour to clear up the chaos of the fancy dress box, toys etc from the kids. Very few broken items (accidents happen, that's fine) or disasters. Everyone plays nicely together.

Yesterday we had a new family in the mix, and I cannot believe the difference. The children (not just the two new ones I'm sure, but they seem to have been the instigators) have drawn on walls, hammered a wooden table with I presume a pen so it has chips in the varnish and dents in the wood, they've taken additional food and hidden the evidence (wrappers stuffed down the back of the sofa and under the carpet etc). They played knock and run on my neighbours door (climbed the garden fence which the littlest definitely can't do), kept turning up the music till it was deafening, used fruit shoots as water pistols. A bunch of the kids were discovered under the bed in my room at one point as these children were leading a hunt for Christmas presents. Anything I asked them not to do they then either did or tried to get others to do it. They lied directly to my face, convinced the youngers to carry out tasks which would get them in trouble. The list goes on. I asked the parents to intervene several times and the response was 'what's the point? They don't listen to me!'. I know it wasn't just them doing the things, but I'm very certain it was the older/newer two leading the way on everything. Am quite astonished how quickly the other 15 or so children stopped behaving like the nice, trustworthy, chilled out kids that they usually are.

I can't decide whether it's these two in particular and to never invite them to my home again, or is this just what we have to look forward to from 7 (almost 8) year olds?! We've honestly never had an issue in the past even with 10+ tiny toddlers/preschoolers/5 year olds running riot.

Really upset about my walls and furniture :( feel like I've come into the scene of a 'teenagers left alone' party, not a bunch of 3-7 year olds!!

What I don't understand is why you didn't all start to supervise your own kids after the chaos began. The "instigators" couldn't have "instigated" anything if even one of you had behaved like responsible parents.

Lord of the flies

One was left with an industrial cleaning bill of £500 after her GP friend went in for gentle parenting on a toddler.

^

This.

They need boundaries and rules. As humans do. Twas thus evermore

No this is not normal. 3 kids and I would be appalled if any of my kids did this. I am very clear and check on them regularly when we go somewhere - do not go in anyone’s room uninvited. I mean I never said don’t draw on the walls or damage property - but as they don’t do it home I wouldn’t expect them to do it elsewhere. I wouldn’t do any more parties like this. If I was the parents I would offer to contribute for replacement/paint -

what happened sucks OP!

I think it's probably a combination of slightly wilder children and the age- my youngest is 6 and I think that's definitely the age they start getting a bit trickier, more likely to get up to mischief. Deliberately damaging furniture and using fruit shoots as water guns though isn't acceptable.

I think leaving a large group of young children unsupervised was asking for trouble. The elder ones must have loved having such biddable younger ones.

The parents should have stepped in though and taken them home. Sounds like they allow their kids to run riot so they did.

Just was I was going to say.

The children probably have some amazing memories, though sorry they're at the expense of your walls and furniture! It's their age that they've reached. They'll also have been influenced by behavior they pick up from other children at school, so it's not necessarily just the two new children, it's a combination of them and school and themselves and the age they've reached. From an outsider perspective, your party sounds amazing! Good fun with lots of friends and memory-making.

I had friends who had children who behaved similarly, wiped their dirty boots down my brand new kitchen cabinets etc. I realized I could just never invite their family over again 🤷‍♀️. The parents attitude was very much, kids will be kids, and their mum did absolutely nothing, dad feebly tried to intervene but mum wasn’t backing him up at all.

This. Exactly the same. We've had parties like this for years without any issues. Kids have grown up together and have made a bit of mess of course, at times, but their parents have always intervened at that point and made them stop/tidy it up etc

So would I. They'd have been out of the door pretty quickly. If that brought this year's party to an early close then so be it.

Take photos of any damage and circulate them amongst the group. Say that this trashing of your house seems to be a new thing this year but it is making you reconsider hosting future events. So no party next year unless someone else is prepared to host.

I’d be upset too - we used to do this but I’d have been appalled if my supposed friends allowed their children to do this. One year we had 56 adults and about 20+. 4-8yo’s. Thing is I fully expected that many children (and relaxed, drinking parents) would result in chaos, so I cleared the dining room and hired a party entertainer for each time (magician, science club etc). When the entertainers had gone we moved the table/chairs back, covered it in a thick plastic cloth and set the table up with crafts and put an xmas movie on the tv for them to watch. Also light up the garden and got the toys out. I had my inlaws down so they kept a beady eye.

I think it is fair enough to put a message out now on whatsapp with photos of the damage and state how deeply disappointed you are and that you will have to think hard next year about holding another party. Next year, you could still set it up again, but be more selective on who you invite, set out ground rules for supervising the kids (no-one upstairs etc), and make clear up front that the kids need to be supervised - but I would have activities planned head and done in sight of the adults. It would be a shame to stop all together, but the parents should be told what happened so that they can address this with their kids. If you lose friends over it, so be it. They weren’t friends worth having.

I think all the parents at this party are seeing it as an opportunity to enjoy themselves at the expense of supervising their children. I think it's outrageous that the kids were pretty much ignored. Anything could have happened, especially when they're letting themselves out of the house! Totally irresponsible & you've been lucky so far

It sounds like a combination of the influence of the new family and the fact that all the children are older and therefore more capable of mischief.

Probably this - though am surprised parents didn't start intervening when it got rowdy - and that would put me off doing it again.

I wouldn't be having another party for any of them.

I also think it's very irresponsible to expect 6 year old to be in charge of younger ones

Amazing memories of mass vandalism and anti-social behaviour towards the neighbours? Not my idea of good fun with friends and not memories they should have. The new family would never cross my threshold again.

If you asked the parents to intervene and they didn't - I'd send pics to the group via WhatsApp saying that unfortunately this was the damage caused because of their lack of intervention, and due to this any future parties will be adults only because you can't afford to redecorate/ replace furniture/ piss off your neighbours again.
If anybody else would rather host with kids included you're more than happy to pass on the baton next year.

We hosted about 6 local families and they us from toddlerhood to covid after which the older ones were 14/15 and too old. Never had this. But a like minded group everyone a good responsive parent and the kids used to being in a group so don’t get over excited / silly. Can’t remember any damage ever.

Maybe next year do evening adult only?

Spot on.

This.

Why do people post stuff like this then disappear.

This is basically an unsupervised nursery / primary one class, I’m really not sure what you expected or why you didn’t intervene and end the party earlier.