Vile text

[JustWondering222]

My 10yr old received a horrendous text last night (honestly I've never seen anything like it. So many swear words, telling him to kill himself 😧 telling him to suck pussy, telling him everyone hates him (the f word was used quite a few times as were other foul swear words.. basically every other word was a swear word and the general message was to go kill yourself because you r the worst of the worst) from someone that's normally a good friend. I was really shocked because my DC is quite innocent and didn't even understand half the message or half the words used.

I sent the mum a screenshot so she can ask her child about it and have talked to my DC about it and he feels ok. I praised him for showing me the text. He knows I've texted the mum so is worried he'll get called a snitch, but otherwise he's fine. I've reassured him he did the right thing. He's quite popular at school and has never been bullied or received anything like this before. The two boys are normally good friends and have a lovely friendship group. They've known each other several years, had playdates etc..

My question is, is it enough just to raise this with the boys mum, or would you also mention something to school? (I'm just quite shocked at the language and venom coming out of a 10yr old. I'm a bit worried about the boy to be honest.. Also a bit worried because another child might get v upset by this kind of message. My son has another friend that is very vulnerable and has sen and the boy that sent the message previously had a falling out with this child. If he sent such a text to this boy, or another like him, it would likely quite severely impact them.)

There isn’t any reason at all to not share this information with the school. Don’t keep quiet about it. Silence is a form of collusion, your son who received this text, and the boy that sent it, needs to see that this type of behaviour is taken seriously.

WhatsApp is far more likely to be used by young people at least 3 years older than the OP's son, which is why some posters have been critical of it. We don't know for sure if the friends did sent the WhatsApp message, or if someone else influenced him. As a pp said, WhatsApp is seen very differently be teenagers than traditional texting

This is how serious this text was - encouraging someone to 'self harm' (ie as far as to kill themselves in this case) is punishable by up to 5 years in jail whether the victim self harms or not. They didnt pass this law because these actions had no devasting consequences.....

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/trolls-who-encourage-serious-self-harm-to-face-jail

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/news-opinion/2023/2023-09-19-the-online-safety-bill-has-been-passed-in-a-momentous-day-for-children/

I'd definitely tell the school and if I was parent of the child who sent this, I'd be extremely concerned too.

Irrelevant. The message could have been sent on paper.

I wouldn’t tell my kids’ school. What for? I don’t have all the information and I don’t know what the repercussions would be for the text sender. I’m totally against schools replacing parents, and becoming “hubs” for the raising of children.

I would raise it directly with both parents, not just the one I know more.

10yo boys are pushing all sorts of boundaries imo, really testing to see what they can get away with, how emboldened they can get away with being, and trying to assert themselves (which, given they have nothing to assert at 10yo, often manifests as hollow bravado). The rare one who does have something to assert (the ones who are exceptional at something) tend not to behave like this. But generally speaking this is quite age appropriate, even if it’s shocking to us because of the language used (you can’t walk down a street these days without hearing some form of swearing, it seems).

I didn’t allow my DC tech at that age, but it seems you have a healthy approach to it as a family so I don’t think there’s anything to address there. WhatsApp was just the medium by which the sending boy expressed something. It could just as well have been playground chat.

See what the mother says and take it from there. It may not have been her child who sent the message from that phone. And certainly no, I wouldn’t be telling the school.

the message could have been sent by regular text. It having been sent on WhatsApp is irrelevant.

I mean I disagree with kids having smartphones too but this comment doesn't help the kid is a vile shit and could easily have sent that over text or said it to ops son's face. Not having WhatsApp wouldn't of stopped it

Emails have this handy feature where you can open them when it suits you.
Sending it now would mean for sure the Head will see it as soon as (s)he gets to work tomorrow.

The actions of the sender are a criminal offence with a punishment of up to 5 years in prison - the OP should take this to the police.

The OPs son is 'lucky' - many children have taken their own lives in similar circumstances.

DSs school actively want to know about incidents like this. There are a lot of safeguarding issues for both your DS and the other boy.

I'd wait until I heard back from the mum. One of mine received a similar (though not so vile) text from a friend and it turned out they had been dared to send that message to everyone in their contacts and had done so. That was Y6 too. The mother was mortified and handled the situation herself; so reporting it to the school would have added an extra layer of stress in that case.

Tell the school as they are both at the school and have to see each other every day. The school needs to know so they can keep an eye on the situation.

You may find the mother is very very protective of her son, and may want to minimise it and you need the school to mediate. Otherwise can come across as you telling the other mother off.

Its not about vilifying the other boy, but the school getting to the bottom of why he did it and making sure he understands why it was wrong. In Year 6, they need guidance. You also need the school to make sure that your son's reporting of it is not resented.

I'd forward the message to school and get my DS to confront the bullying little twat in person on Monday. Need to nip this in the bud.

whatsapp is not an issue here. the message could have been text or voicemail or just a note on paper. the content is an issue.

Even if you’re right that this “up to 5 years in prison” is applicable to a 10yo, a juvenile offender, don’t you think you’re jumping the gun somewhat? You don’t think there’s any value in acting like a responsible adult yourself rather than delegating that function to the boys’ teachers, in finding out what happened, talking to the other parents, talking to the boys, and deciding at that point what to do?

Being officious, emotional, dramatic - none of this will help either boy.

Only on MN can someone post “should I tell me school about a vile text my son received?” and be met with “definitely, the boy is a criminal whose act is punishable by 5 years in jail”.

for the OP it’s not relevant - or rather not the point- no.

But in a bigger picture sense it’s highly relevant. Schools aren’t dealing with thousands of kids sending hate speech, requests for nudes, exhortations to peers to kill themselves etc on paper are they? I’m sure it happens, but nowhere near as often as it does on phones / social media. And kids (for now) have just as much access to pens and paper as they do
phones.

speaking socially, the tech is very much the issue.

For me the difference between a written note and text is the sense of safety. A note can only happen in school so at least a child can go home and feel safe knowing they can't be bullied but a phone means they can be accessed anywhere so nowhere is safe.

I think from now on you need to limit the phone for his own protection.

I would highly recommend a watch phone like space talk. My son has one and I can request he send a feeling of how he’s going and monitor where he is and he can only chat to certain people & message & phone certain people. The friend chats can be moderated and I can view on my device.

I will not be allowing a phone for this reason or social media. In Australia one of our top private schools has banned social media and phones until age 13/14. This comes after the suicide if a 12 year old girl who was bullied via social media and or her phone.

Thank god your son is close to you and went to you immediately.

Firstly I think you have to be 13 to access WhatsApp so not sure what’s happening there. Secondly I would be taking this very seriously since there’s been vile abusive language and reference to him killing himself. The safeguarding lead at school needs to be informed and to be honest I would be inclined to bypass mum and contact the police for advice. I know he’s only ten but how many times have we heard of young children being bullied into suicide - even worse is the thought that this child could send the same kind of message to a friend with SEN.

A half-decent school would do work with all the children about online safety and cyber bullying. You’d have to be prepared, though, for the boy's mother not to be happy about it, assuming you tell them who it was and that they make it clear to him that they know.

Of course no-one is going to put a ten year old in jail for five years, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that it’s very serious. The nature of the text is bullying and the boy killing himself is mentioned. My immediate gut reaction is police first for advice. It’s not emotional or dramatic when you realise how many kids have been bullied into suicide, or that this child also has access to an SEN friend who may be seriously affected by something like this.

What happens when one of the kids sends another a beheading video or graphic porn. Is that an opportunity for learning? What are they learning in that instance? Why shouldn’t we shield them from abuse and graphic content at 10, 11, 12. Even older.

WhatsApp IS a problem.

I disagree and view your approach as possibly ill-informed or minimising?

Here are the stats:

Online bullying is a contributing factor for many young people having thoughts of suicide.

Over 200 schoolchildren die by suicide every year in the UK. We need everyone to be aware of the impact that online bullying can have on children and young people’s mental health.

https://www.papyrus-uk.org/bedtime-stories/#:~:text=Online%20bullying%20is%20a%20contributing,and%20young%20people's%20mental%20health.

Involve the professionals (not parents) who can investigate this serious crime appropriately and sensitively for the safeguarding of both children involved as the consquences are potentially devastating for for hundreds of families. Have a read up on the families and communities deeply impacted by this dangerous and unnecessary behaviour.

OMG yes tell the school. Horrific and worrying.