How to word in my will that I don't want estranged parent at my funeral?

[sarah010179]

with the new year approaching, I'm getting my financial affairs and paperwork in order. One of the things will be to write a will.
I have an outline of my wishes and one of the most important things to me is that an estranged (very toxic) parents does not attend my funeral or graveside. How do I word this in a professional but clear sounding way? Unfortunately, I have no faith that my other parent would respect this wish (they have form for going against my wishes on serious matters), so I want it written in some kind of official, unambiguous way that the estranged parent doesn't attend and gets asked to leave/removed if they show up. Ideas?

Obviously you were happy for this to happen, but as executor I wouldn't have been. Was the solicitor a co-executor? I would have obtained the will immediately without all that faff and nonsense.

The executors have every right to see, and will see the will, immediately after death.

The executors cannot distribute assets until Probate ( in Scotland, Confirmation) is granted.

This. Funerals are for the living, you will already be dead. Don't put further stress and upset on the people you care about/who care about you by expecting them to police who can and can't be present.

A solicitor came to the funeral?

Yes the solicitor was also an executor I just updated my post as I forgot to mention that. Although in the will it said we could choose to use her or not after the reading.

No.
We had to go to their offices for the reading after the funeral.

Jesus. I've heard nothing but ridiculous expensive stories when people do this... I don't think it should be allowed, particularly when that solicitor has had a hand in putting the will together in the first place!

but if anyone else had turned up on the day, the funeral directors would not have been able to refuse them entry.

You are agreeing with me. Obtaining a copy of the will, action funeral choices, like cremation or informing institutions of the passing, are the easy part of the executor. The distribution of the estate by selling off assets requiring probate/letters of administration, it's the complicated part.

Unfortunately, the OP or her executor can't prevent her parents attending a public funeral/cremation if there is one.

What do you mean. Solicitors are often used

It really doesn't.

You said "it's not immediate" in response to my saying to someone else that the will is usually available quickly.

As my family example, it does sometimes and it’s up to the deceased.

My point exactly

If you were to be cremated you could have a wholly private remembrance service at home or in a private venue, on an invitation only basis, with your cremation taking place afterwards. You could ask a priest or vicar to hold the service. Your ashes could be scattered in a place your parent does not know about.

But as others have said, you cannot prevent them attending a church service or a graveside.

I am sorry that you need to even think about such a thing.

Most times, the executors know who they are and where the will is. Sometimes they don't. My own case was complicated and things proceeded slowly. OP, there is nothing to stop you putting things in a will and in a letter of wishes and a letter to the funeral director but none of these might be effective.

To the "but you'll be dead!" crowd, preventing someone's attendance might be in the best interests of other family members, we don't know the situation.

The family of the deceased cannot remove an executor. The executors see the will immediately

Nope. They really shouldn't be encouraged to leech a deceased's estate by being named as an executor. They don't do anything an executor can't do and charge a fucking fortune for it.

Direct cremation is you only option really as you can't legally ban them.

You could leave wishes that they aren't welcome at your wake though.

Let it go, you can’t control that. My only concern with nc parents is that they might try and have me buried in my childhood home town. Thankfully with a husband as next of kin and a teen fast approaching adulthood, they shouldn’t have any rights at all.

We were executors which is why we saw the will.
We and the other executors could take the work on ourselves after the reading without the third executor, the solicitor. It was written in the will.

As I said. The will was contentious which I think is why the deceased wanted a non family member to be involved initially.
In terms of payment their expenses up to and including the reading were made when it was written, ten years before.

That’s not what should happen legally. Assuming the solicitor was a joint Executor and also held the original will, then yes, you’d have to go into their office to discuss the next steps and see the will. there is absolutely no requirement to tell anyone else what the contents of the will are until probate has been granted, no matter how contentious. Just because you chose to do this doesn’t mean it’s what should happen, or needs to happen legally.
Regarding funeral costs, in the vast majority of cases, a funeral director will send their invoice directly to the deceased’s bank to receive direct payment. The executor then receives a copy of the invoice.

Unusual!

Yes I know the executors see the will. Goodness only knows how many times I've taken wills out of our will safe, checked who the executors are and given them a copy. The executors can't force another named executor to stand down- the other executor can choose to.

But all this guff about "reading the will" etc, etc is so irritating.