To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

When I was a teen, my friend’s mum used to invite a elderly man who slept rough in our town; he always declined but she used to have her eldest son drive down on christmas day with a hot christmas dinner instead. She did this for years (never made a big deal out of it, I just remember my friend telling me).

My mum used to invite her cousin to ours if we spent it at home - he was on his own (and would maybe also be considered neurodiverse today, so was a bit socially isolated in the late 80s/90s). It wasn’t a big deal, and he always came so I’m assuming he wanted to spend it with others.

I definitely feel like these two things have shaped my personal feelings about Christmas - as I think loneliness is experienced more during events like christmas/birthdays.
I think it sets a bit of an example to children too about kindness and considering others who have less/are otherwise on their own.

There are people who choose to spend it alone because lots of people have valid reasons not to spend it with wider family - like having an awful relationship or an abusive family member is a clear reason to not invite them. I’m not talking about these situations.

If you otherwise have a good relationship and you’re not seeing them at all because you are just being a bit selfish.. then for me it’s kinda off. Especially an isolated close elderly relative that you otherwise have a good relationship with. And not inviting your own mum…. It’s kinda heartbreaking.

OP can you clarify that so far none of your friend’s family have been alone at Christmas?

My kids really enjoy spending time with their grandparents. so i think excluding the grandparents is selfish from various perspectives - kids not having so much fun and grandparents (who put time and effort into bringing you up) losing out.

agree with others that you are making problems for yourself when you are a grandparent

If hosting is a struggle, make things less hard work. Ask people to bring something or get food already preprepared.

I mean, this is all true in theory, but she doesn't want either of her in-laws, either of her parents (when still alive) or her sister around. They couldn't all have abused her in childhood, given that she only met her inlaws as an adult!

I do wonder if she might have MH problems. I wonder if that's the most likely explanation. I know she worries about things.

I don't think being a parent is relevant. What's relevant are her specific family dynamics and her individual personality.

Does she shoulder a lot of the caring burden the rest of the year? Do the various parents and in-laws see their grandchildren regularly? Maybe she just wants one day where she can enjoy herself and relax rather than catering for everyone's needs.

Or maybe she's not as close to them as you think? If she doesn't see her family that much over the rest of the year, there's a reason for that. You might not know what that reason is and it might be the same reason she doesn't want to spend Xmas with them.

Or is she quite a selfish person generally? The kind of bore who goes on about her "little family" and since getting it, couldn't care less about anyone outside her nuclear family? I feel like if that was the case there would be plenty of examples and you would have told us by now. The "my little family" types don't tend to only show it once a year.

I know plenty of people who don't spend Xmas with their parents (myself and DP included, and we're child-free) and there's always a background ranging from toxicity to alcoholism to racism to any amount of difficult behaviour. A lot of parents I know started doing this the minute they had a child, not because they were selfish "my little family" types but because they finally had a decent excuse to free themselves from a horrible annual experience. If your friend is gleeful, consider that this may be coming from a place of sheer relief.

This is partly on you for not making sure the load is shared - eg my husband and I wrap the presents together, I also get my teenager to help with the wrapping for extended family. Husband is also responsible for getting presents for his side of the family and I ask him to research/buy various presents for the kids. He also helps tidy and clean before family arrive and I ask him (and others) to help peel veg etc.

Don’t bend over backwards for everyone. Mil doesn’t like sprouts or turkey? Fine, she doesn’t have to eat them. FIL wants overcooked veg? Tough, he’s not the one preparing the meal.
Also no need to host every year, share it around.

I do wonder if she might have MH problems. I wonder if that's the most likely explanation. I know she worries about things

Does she start judgemental and unpleasant threads on public fora?

MN gets its knickers in a twist about Christmas because women choose to do it all. This doesn’t happen in this house plus it’s just a big roast dinner with extras.

If people don’t like relatives that’s different, abuse, horrible views over the pudding, creepy relative, won’t have the heating on, alcoholism issues, stuff like that. There can be totally valid reasons.

But everyone obsessed with their family unit only better be ok with their kids leaving them alone at Christmas. They will think that’s the norm, learnt behaviour and traditions and all that.

YANBU OP.

I totally understand it might be their preference to spend Xmas as a nuclear family but you don’t always get what you want and I would never see family members alone just because I would prefer it to be a specific group.

I couldn’t enjoy Christmas thinking of MIL sitting at home on her own. Next Christmas it is my side’s turn to have Christmas with us but I am already thinking I might have to speak to my parents about inviting my in laws as FIL is so awful these days that leaving MIL with FIL would be tantamount to leaving her alone tbh

Because I'm human and I have thoughts and feelings about the things people tell me, maybe??

When I grew up my DH and I both spent every single Christmas with just our siblings and parents. I then visited grandparents/cousins etc on Boxing Day. I don’t think what your friend is doing is odd.

We've always spent Christmas just as us 4......but fucking hell if anyone was going to be alone I'd be the first to open my door. What a strange woman ! And her husbands worse for going along with it. 😬

Why can't you tell her yourself?

You don't really like your "friend" much, do you.

Consider distancing yourself from her. Obviously I don't know whether you're justified or just being a mean girl, but life's too short to keep these "frenemy" style relationships. Consider making friends with people you like and respect.

Would you exclude your dying widowed parent though?

Agree with this^^

I agree with you op - I cannot understand this woman. The thought of leaving my mom alone, let alone if she were ill, makes me feel tearful.

And those talking about a back story or “there must be more to this”? Well yeah, maybe this woman is a selfish arsehole. That could really easily be the back story.

some of my happiest childhood Christmas memories were of being with my cousins.

The parent was with the sister. So NOT excluded from a family Christmas

I spend the majority of the day with just my husband and kids. I see some family on christmas morning and others in the run up to Christmas or boxing day. I don't have the physical space in my house or mental headspace to be hosting my parents, in-laws and siblings when I've got a lot of my own kids. Everyone in the family has their own plans that they do every year and that's what we're used to. How do you know her mum was desperate to spend Christmas with her?

I didn’t necessarily mean they abused her. I mean Xmas can be very triggering if you experienced some sort of trauma at Xmas (e.g. child abuse from another relative or friend staying in, or visiting, your parents’ home or rape at a party or on the way home or even things like a serious road traffic accident). You just never know. She may not have told anyone. Not her parents, sister or even her partner.

As for the in-laws, it may be linked. Maybe she finds it v difficult to be with the in-laws, so that made/makes it difficult to invite her own family. As it’d be clear it’s only the in-laws she wants to exclude and that could cause trouble with her DP.

Is she generally selfish or is this Christmas stance a one off type thing? I don’t know, some people, particualrly women, seem to have the “perfect Christmas” down as some kind of massive deal. I don’t get it, it’s just another day of the year. And even if you’re religious, surely it goes against the meaning of the day anyway. But anyway if it was just this one thing I’d just nod and look past it. Maybe she has her weird reason. If she’s generally selfish and self absorbed and this is just the icing on the cake, then I’d probably be steering clear.

No one was alone. The sister hosted the parents

Your friend does sound incredibly selfish. I know that people have all sorts of reasons as to why they arrange Christmas as they do but her going on and on about it is odd.
For a number of reasons I'm having to have Christmas Day just with DH and children but will be seeing grandparents and other close relatives on Boxing Day/during 12 days of Christmas.

You must be very close given all your knowledge about what the sister does for her Christmas and who she invites for dinner! Couldn't tell you who even my best friend has over for hers! or are you the sister