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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my mum shared my news behind my back

103 replies

australialover · 01/12/2024 02:48

Yesterday afternoon I got an offer provisionally accepted on a flat. I’m a first time buyer and I’ve been trying to get somewhere for a while and kept getting outbid, so this is a big deal.

I was at work when I found out, so I texted my mum to let her know. After the usual congratulations etc, she asked if she could tell her friends yet. I said no because I was at work and hadn’t yet had a chance to look at the details of the emails I’d received about the offer and next steps.

When I got home I read the email and found out that the offer isn’t formally accepted until I provide details of my solicitor and proof of funds. So I asked my mum to wait until I get the offer formally accepted early next week. She wasn’t happy about this and said it wasn’t fair that I was making her keep it from her friends all this time (one of her friend’s daughters lives in the next street over from the flat). She said she didn’t feel right about keeping it from her. I again repeated that I wanted her to wait until the offer acceptance was 100% confirmed.

Today I went out for lunch with my mum. We’d literally just sat down and I got a text from her friend’s daughter (who I don’t know very well) to say her mum had just told her that we’re going to be neighbours. I asked my mum if she’d told her friends. She said yes. I got annoyed and felt hurt because I’d asked her to wait. My mum said “well you’ve told your friends” and I replied, “yes, because it’s my flat”. At this point she said “well I’m involved too and what you wanted wasn’t fair”.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We didn’t really talk for the rest of the meal and then when we got home she acted as though nothing had happened. I wouldnt even mind so much that she’d ignored my wishes and told her friends if she’d told me that she’d done it or was going to do it. What annoys me is also the fact that she did it behind my back, did she think I wasn’t going to find out?! AIBU?

OP posts:
Rafting2022 · 01/12/2024 02:52

Does it really matter? It’s a flat.

I thought you were going to say she’d shared early pregnancy news which I agree wouldn’t be ok if you’d asked her not to.

Nolegusta · 01/12/2024 02:54

YANBU - she shared information when you specifically asked her not to. It doesn't really matter what that information was.

SnoopysHoose · 01/12/2024 02:55

She said she didn’t feel right about keeping it from her. that you're buying a flat?
in what possible way is this anything to do with her friend?
Your mum is very odd.

HellonHeels · 01/12/2024 02:57

She was out of order. Think carefully about what and when you tell her in future.

Get that proof of funds sent out and solicitor engaged asap. Congrats on your flat!

MermaidMummy06 · 01/12/2024 02:57

I've learned my DM can't keep her trap shut for 5 minutes so I just don't tell her until I'm ready for it to be broadcast to the world.

CuriousGeorge80 · 01/12/2024 03:05

All of this is really odd. Very bizarre that she felt it was such pressing news that she had to share it when you asked her not to. Odd that you care if the news was shared. So YANBU to be annoyed that she shared it when you asked her not to, but I think it was weird that you cared if she did or not in the first place.

Monty27 · 01/12/2024 03:06

For goodness sake your? Mum was excited and proud. No harm done.

HerBloodIsLikeLiquidFire · 01/12/2024 03:09

She's clearly one of those who can't keep her mouth shut. Learn this lesson now before you go on to further life achievements. She can't be trusted, not a good quality in a mother. She prioritises her gossip over you.

Nolegusta · 01/12/2024 03:12

Monty27 · 01/12/2024 03:06

For goodness sake your? Mum was excited and proud. No harm done.

If you ask someone to specifically not share information, but they choose to do so anyway, you think there's 'no harm done'?

Ph3 · 01/12/2024 03:25

I agree with the majority of the posters here- I would have been upset if I had asked my mom to not say anything and she did anyway. I would keep things to myself going forward and only share with her once I was ready for other people to know. I’m sorry that just sucks - your mum is supposed to be in your corner and respect your wishes. It’s not relevant if she’s excited or not about it - this is about your life and your wishes and she should have respected that.

Ph3 · 01/12/2024 03:26

australialover · 01/12/2024 02:48

Yesterday afternoon I got an offer provisionally accepted on a flat. I’m a first time buyer and I’ve been trying to get somewhere for a while and kept getting outbid, so this is a big deal.

I was at work when I found out, so I texted my mum to let her know. After the usual congratulations etc, she asked if she could tell her friends yet. I said no because I was at work and hadn’t yet had a chance to look at the details of the emails I’d received about the offer and next steps.

When I got home I read the email and found out that the offer isn’t formally accepted until I provide details of my solicitor and proof of funds. So I asked my mum to wait until I get the offer formally accepted early next week. She wasn’t happy about this and said it wasn’t fair that I was making her keep it from her friends all this time (one of her friend’s daughters lives in the next street over from the flat). She said she didn’t feel right about keeping it from her. I again repeated that I wanted her to wait until the offer acceptance was 100% confirmed.

Today I went out for lunch with my mum. We’d literally just sat down and I got a text from her friend’s daughter (who I don’t know very well) to say her mum had just told her that we’re going to be neighbours. I asked my mum if she’d told her friends. She said yes. I got annoyed and felt hurt because I’d asked her to wait. My mum said “well you’ve told your friends” and I replied, “yes, because it’s my flat”. At this point she said “well I’m involved too and what you wanted wasn’t fair”.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We didn’t really talk for the rest of the meal and then when we got home she acted as though nothing had happened. I wouldnt even mind so much that she’d ignored my wishes and told her friends if she’d told me that she’d done it or was going to do it. What annoys me is also the fact that she did it behind my back, did she think I wasn’t going to find out?! AIBU?

By the way - congrats I hope it all goes through ok.

poetryandwine · 01/12/2024 03:26

YANBU, OP.

Your mother like mine cannot keep a secret, likes to brag about her DC or both. Now you know.

Nc546888 · 01/12/2024 03:31

YANBU my mum is just like this.

she once told me I owed it to people to share about my marriage issues as it wasn’t fair to be keeping that info to myself. So she told everyone, aunts, cousins her neighbours so now everyone knows lots of private info of my life. She still refuses to still what’s wrong with that and says it’s her information to do what she likes with.

irs happened so often now that I don’t share big thanks going forwards

LBFseBrom · 01/12/2024 03:31

I don't think, in all honesty, that a matter like this is a big deal. However if you asked your mother to keep it to herself she should have done so. I can't understand why she was so excited and eager to share it with friends, that does seem bizarre. If my son was moving and had an offer accepted for a place I cannot see any reason why I would broadcast it, if I bumped into someone and they asked about him, I might say he hopes to move soon but would they really be interested in the details? I doubt it.

Announcements are for bigger happy issues and then only with the consent of those involved.

It is also odd that the friend's daughter texted you, if you are not friends with her why does she have your number?

The whole thing is very strange.

However don't let this spoil things for you, good luck with your flat purchase and I hope all goes smoothly.

Spirallingdownwards · 01/12/2024 03:31

YANBU as you asked her not to say anything.

BUT - and there is one why does it matter if you have been telling your friends anyway? I would understand if you just didn't want anyone to know yet but can't see what difference it makes she told her friends when you were telling other people anyway. She is obviously proud you have taken this step and wanted to share the good news.

daisychain01 · 01/12/2024 03:36

People can't keep their mouth shut. They can't help themselves.

No matter how much you tell them not to say anything, if anything it makes them even more determined to say something.

the minute you share any news or information, it's out of your control. Say nothing until you're happy for the information to travel round the world.

GoldenLegend · 01/12/2024 03:36

My mother would have done this. My solution was to not tell her any of my private business. ‘Didn’t feel right not telling her friends’ FFS!

Lurkingandlearning · 01/12/2024 03:38

You should be able to trust your mother to not repeat anything you’ve asked her to keep to herself. People can decide not to keep something confided private, but they can’t expect to ever be trusted again.

I hope you get to move into your own home soon. That bit of detachment might make it less tempting to tell her anything private in future.

RawBloomers · 01/12/2024 03:48

Your mum sounds pretty immature about it, but I also think asking her not to talk to her friends about it if you’re telling your friends is kind of mean, in a sense.

Lafee · 01/12/2024 03:55

australialover · 01/12/2024 02:48

Yesterday afternoon I got an offer provisionally accepted on a flat. I’m a first time buyer and I’ve been trying to get somewhere for a while and kept getting outbid, so this is a big deal.

I was at work when I found out, so I texted my mum to let her know. After the usual congratulations etc, she asked if she could tell her friends yet. I said no because I was at work and hadn’t yet had a chance to look at the details of the emails I’d received about the offer and next steps.

When I got home I read the email and found out that the offer isn’t formally accepted until I provide details of my solicitor and proof of funds. So I asked my mum to wait until I get the offer formally accepted early next week. She wasn’t happy about this and said it wasn’t fair that I was making her keep it from her friends all this time (one of her friend’s daughters lives in the next street over from the flat). She said she didn’t feel right about keeping it from her. I again repeated that I wanted her to wait until the offer acceptance was 100% confirmed.

Today I went out for lunch with my mum. We’d literally just sat down and I got a text from her friend’s daughter (who I don’t know very well) to say her mum had just told her that we’re going to be neighbours. I asked my mum if she’d told her friends. She said yes. I got annoyed and felt hurt because I’d asked her to wait. My mum said “well you’ve told your friends” and I replied, “yes, because it’s my flat”. At this point she said “well I’m involved too and what you wanted wasn’t fair”.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We didn’t really talk for the rest of the meal and then when we got home she acted as though nothing had happened. I wouldnt even mind so much that she’d ignored my wishes and told her friends if she’d told me that she’d done it or was going to do it. What annoys me is also the fact that she did it behind my back, did she think I wasn’t going to find out?! AIBU?

The part of your post I don't understand, is where your mother claims that she is involved too.

How is she "involved"?

Has she provided any financial help to you to enable you to purchase?

If she's only claiming to be involved, simply because she feels entitled to as your mother, then she, I believe has got over excited, and WRONGLY went against your wishes.

Even if I'd have financially helped my dc, and they asked me to keep quiet till all the formalities were satisfied, I would respect that and actually feel it was sensible.

I'd feel very foolish if the deal failed, as I'd then have to explain to whoever I'd told.

As others have said- in future, keep quiet till you are ready for her to share if she wants to.

I feel bad for you, as I think it's so nice to regard your mum as having your back and respectful of your wishes... in that way you'd be more likely to share much more.
If she treasures "being involved" she's going the wrong way about it.

Good luck with everything

ProssecoSparkle · 01/12/2024 03:56

Sorry op Flowers this is your mum no matter what you tell her it should be confidential. Your mother put her friends and their children above you.

It also stands out me from your post that your mother comes across as emotionally manipulate.

In future you could keep her low contact and give her no information.

Penguinmouse · 01/12/2024 04:05

It doesn’t matter what the content of the conversation was, you asked her not to say something and she can’t keep her mouth shut. YANBU.

GiraffesAtThePark · 01/12/2024 04:05

It’s not good to share info if asked not to but I think this is something that can be moved on from. Are some really suggesting going low contact over this?
I also find it odd as others have said. If you’re sharing the news already with friends then I’m confused why you care about your mum’s friends knowing.

HoppingPavlova · 01/12/2024 04:11

Ffs, it’s about buying/moving to a flat, I just couldn’t get het up about it (minor internal eye roll and move on). It’s t’s not like she did a mass mail out to her address book telling everyone you had syphilis.

Hyperbowl · 01/12/2024 04:12

Your mum sounds immature and like she has incredibly poor boundary control. Create some by not telling her anything in future that you wouldn’t be happy for the town crier to hear. If she gets upsets about not being told first you tell her that she has betrayed your trust so she doesn’t get that privilege any more. She isn’t entitled to know any aspect of your life that you don’t want her to, you’re a grown adult. I expect this isn’t the first time either and won’t be the last unless you intervene with a hard no going forwards.

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